BROKEN PARTS

Growing up, I really hated violence.the sight of blood disgusted me ,it made me cringe but that was before my teenage years . During those years I learnt that ,you either destroy or be destroyed. Too bad I was the one who always got destroyed . I was messed up in so many ways .something that I really hated at the beginning of my life ,I later found comfort in .marking myself and watching the blood drip on the floor was something that always puts me in my safest zone,unconsciousness. I once asked my mum how I became this way,destroyed and shattered ,all she did was cry , she never gave me the answer I wanted,no one did .

My mum always told me I was special, it was like a lesson she was trying to drill into my head, she was right though, I was special but not just in the way she meant , I was special in a fucked up kinda way . I'm messed up in so many ways, I knew that since the day my cousin raped me and blamed it on my innocence .

No one really gave two fucks about me before the rape incident,I was the last child , I was supposed to be the apple of the eyes but I was the opposite,the Apple they all neglected . Everyone was too busy with their lives ,which was why there was no one to talk to about cousin Ben touching me in inappropriate areas which eventually led to him raping me . Of course they all blamed themselves after, but the deed was already done ,you can't fix a broken mirror. They all showered me with gifts and love afterthought incident but it meant nothing to me .

I was never the normal kid and I know I can never be the normal adult ,I already prepared myself for that though. But then,the thing about being traumatized is that you will always see the world as a tragedy that it is and trusting people is a no no.

Suicide and getting high stopped being an option after a while,the latter always left me weak which always led to more assaults. And I never died even after trying the suicide,mama always said God loves me,I guess he didn't love me enough to end all my misery and take the pain away. The shrink told me to stopped,then I stopped , but did I really stop? Of course not .

I stared at the walls in my room,and stared at the sun that slowly seeped in through the opened crack in my curtains. I loved the sun, I really did , it always bring warmth with it and it always outshines darkness. Too bad the sun couldn't outshine the darkness in my life .

I cursed lowly when my eyes met the clock, I was most definitely going to be late if I didn't get up now. Quickly,picked my outfit for the day,not like I had a lot of choices anyways and then ran to the bathroom. Hopping into the shower I realized one thing , I had no one ,I was all alone and I know I will always be

So that is me , Amelia Deaves.

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