New Beginnings

Dear diary, my life was pretty normal until today; in fact I was a conventional teen who loved sports. When I was younger I used to play lots of different sport, tennis, hockey, volleyball, handball, etc. Now that I'm in high school I decided to go to the hockey tryouts, and I made the team; actually I made it as the captain.

My name is Addison Williams and I have acute lymphoblastic leukemia or most commonly known as ALL, it is a type of cancer that affects the immunological system and it makes it harder for people like me to fight infections. It all started at hockey practice, it was a normal morning like many others, I woke up, had breakfast and went to practice, I wasn't feeling very well but we had a big game coming and as captain of the team I couldn't give myself the luxury of missing practice so i went anyway-it was not quite the right decision- halfway through practice my head started to hurt, I started to feel a little dizzy and suddenly I passed out.

I woke up in a hospital bed, my mom was next to me, and even though I could remember everything she insisted on explaining what had happened. Later a nurse came in and told me that they needed to take some blood to run some tests. We waited for hours and finally a doctor came, she asked my mother if she could talk to her outside, they went outside for a couple of minutes, when they came back in I could tell from my mom's face that something was wrong, the doctor explained to me that the blood test showed that I had abnormal white blood cell values, so she wanted to check me in and refer me to a hematologist, which is someone who specializes in blood conditions. After they completed the check in I was assigned to room A104, after an hour a doctor called Michel came into my room, he told us that he was the hematologist, he also told us that the amount of abnormal white blood cells that i had was really high, so this could mean a couple of things, but the one he was most worried about was acute lymphoblastic leukemia, and because of this he wanted to make a bone marrow biopsy to confirm it, basically this test consist of inserting a needle in the rear upper pelvic bone to extract a sample of the solid portion of the bone marrow.

After the doctor explained everything, I could tell that my mom was about to cry, but she didn't, maybe it was because she didn't want to cry in front of me, anyways another 2 hours passed by and he came back to do the procedure, after it was done he told me that they will discharge me in the morning and that when he had the results, it would be approximately two days, he will call us.

After I was discharged, we went home and did what the doctor told us, rest, in those two days I didn't go to school, which meant no hockey practice, I felt so useless and also kind of bad because my team was out there practicing for one of the biggest games on the championship and I was in here at my house doing absolutely nothing, those two days were the longest ones of my life.

Finally on Thursday afternoon my mom received a call, they told her that we should head down to the hospital, this time my father was coming with us. The car ride was if not the most, one of the most awkward ones, no one said a word and my parents kept looking at each other until we arrived to the hospital. As soon as we arrived, we went to the doctor's office, he explained that the results were positive and that I did have ALL, in that moment my parents started to cry, but I couldn't cry, I felt sad, devastated because there were so many things that I wanted to do, and it wasn't fair, I didn't understand why this was happening to me, in that moment there were so many emotion going through my body, but then I just felt angry and sad, angry because I knew that for a long time I wouldn't be able to do the one thing I loved in this world, playing hockey, and sad because I felt like I was disappointing my team, they were counting on me I was their captain, how could I just leave them like this, and now instead of being Addison captain of the hockey team, I was Addison the sick girl.

The doctor explained that it was one of the most common forms of leukemia in children-not that it made me fell better- and that there were treatments, but the first step was to get me checked in at the St. Johnsens children hospital, he told me that I should go home and pack a bag with the staff I used every day, so that's what we did and on that Thursday night I was in a hospital room, the room I will call mine for the next two years. This room was decorated with some flowers in a wall, but I didn't care about it I wanted to go home, I wanted my bed, my room I just wanted to wake up from this horrible nightmare, I wanted everything to go back to normal.

The next day some doctors and nurses came in to do some more tests, and just like that it was lunch time, they brought me some food but I wouldn't eat anything, they told me that I had to eat something so they brought some jelly, I think that I ate two spoons out of it, I just couldn't eat. After lunch the doctor came, he told my parents that he wanted to start the treatment as soon as possible, so on Monday I started with the chemo, the first couple of days were horrible but then it got better I guess that I got used to it. As the weeks went by my hair started to fall, and even though I knew that this would happen, I started to cry I loved my hair and the thought of losing it was devastating. Then I remember talking about this with Eli another girl with leukemia who became my best friend here, she told me that when my hair started to fall, I should cut it all out, she said that this would help so that's what I did, after I cut all my hair a nurse came with a beanie, she told me that I should keep my head warm. My mom decided that we should look for what she called "cool" beanies online, she was pretty excited about this so I went along with it. We ended up buying a grey one that had some glitter on.

Another month went by ,Eli and I became best friends, we did everything together, we had our chemo together we even had the Eli and Addi girls' night, we would get together in one of our rooms, we played games and ate lots of our favorite ice cream, we would stay up until Em, the nurse, had to come and take us to sleep. But one night Eli got sick, she was sick for a couple of days, because of ALL I couldn't see her, then one night someone shouted code blue and everyone went into Eli's room and suddenly she was gone. In that moment I didn't know what to do so I just went into my room. "Isn't it enough that you took my life from me! Why did you have to take her too, i--, I just--, I don't understand, she was my best friend, why did you have to take her too". I didn't know who I was talking to, I didn't believe in god , I think that I needed to believed that there was a force or something that took my best friend from me. Then I just burst into tears and for the next couple of days I wouldn't eat, talk or go to the group meetings.

When she died I was so sad and depressed that I promised myself to never get that close to anyone else from the hospital, and that's what I did.

Today it marks two months since Elis death, it also marks two months of not getting close to anyone, at least that's what I thought. One night I got bored of being in my room so I decided to go for a walk of course I couldn't leave the hospital so I was just going to walk thru the halls or as Eli called it "the hall of the sick". After Eli passed I used to go for long walks, I would just stare at her room remembering all the fun stuff we did and the conversations we shared, that night was different because when I got to her room there was somebody else in it now room 302 wasn't Eli's room anymore it was somebody else's room. It was a boy's room, and then, all the memories with Eli just came back to me; I was so deep into my thoughts that I didn't hear what that boy was saying.

Boy: um starring much?

Addison: don't flatter yourself, I was just thinking

Boy: what were you thinking about?

Addison: and why would I tell you?

Boy: because you were the one who barged in

Addison: sorry for barging in I didn't know that there was gonna be someone here.

Boy: well, I just checked in so of course you couldn't have known.

Addison: well I'm gonna leave

Boy: wait

Addison: what?

Boy: I've got an idea, you can ask me anything you want and I'll have to answer with the truth, and then I'll ask you, what do you say?

Addison: um thank you for the offer but I'll have to pass

Boy: what, afraid I'll find some secret of yours

Who does he think he is, he's been here for like two hours, and he think he is allowed to talk to me like that, ugh

Addison: fine, I'll play your little game, but with one condition you only get two questions

Boy: I don't know

Addison: would you look at that, who's the chicken now?

Boy: fine but if you get two questions, so do I, you start

Addison: alright, what's your name?

Boy: are you really going to waste one question on my name?

In that moment I have him the death stare.

Boy: as you wish, my name is Noah

Addison: So, what you in for?

Noah: seriously, what a lame question, you could ask where did I go to school, where I grew up, you get my point

Addison: yeah, the thing is that I'm not that interested in your life

Noah: ouch, well I'm here for ALL

Addison: oh, me too, c'mon is your turn

Noah: okay, so probbaly blonde girl,16-17ish, sarcastic type, strong personality, you probably have lots of friends, probably a cheerleader too, so my question is who is your crush/boyfriend?

Addison: I don't need or want one, why would I want someone like you by my side

Noah: so she has a type, and it seems like I'm your type

Addison: you are not my type

Noah: you literally just said that

Addison: I'm sorry I wasn't clear before, i meant that I don't need someone as stupid as you by my side, now could you please ask the other question so I can leave

Noah: fine, what's your name?

Addison: oh, look who can come up with questions now

Noah: just answer the question

Addison: oh I'm sorry did I hurt your feelings, the name is Addison,

Addison: well I'm leaving now

Noah: you'll miss me

Addison: you wish, oh and Noah

Noah: what?

Addison: I'm not a cheerleader; I'm the captain of the hockey team.

As I was leaving I could tell that he was surprised to hear that, but who cares, that was the most annoying person I've ever met in my life. I was so tired that when I got to my room I fell asleep within minutes.

The next day I woke up, had breakfast, then the nurse came in and checked that everything was fine, I got dressed and it was time to go to the group meetings—the groups meetings while it was not mandatory, it was recommended that kids and teens went because it helped us talk about how we are doing and seeing that we are not the only ones in this situation, it makes it easier to share things and somehow it gives you the feeling that you are not alone in this.— this would be my first meeting since Eli passed, when she died I stopped going because I knew that they would make us talk about how we were feeling, and I didn't want to talk about it, I just wanted to be alone, I was hoping that today I didn't have to talk about it.

When I arrived everything was exactly the same, well not everything she was not there, and being here without her felt really weird.

I sat down in my chair and next to me there was an empty one, we were about to start the meeting when a nurse came in and said that someone new was joining us today, she told us that he had checked in yesterday and since this was his first meeting we should make him feel welcome, and there he was.