“Freedom inflicting pains”

"Listen to me, baby, if you keep this our little secret, I promise you that nothing on earth will stand in the way of me marrying you by next week. So, love, could you please keep your mouth shut for me?"

I dragged my limp-naked body up from the very small spring-less mattress that was laid out on the ground, untangling myself from the unwashed smelly sheets crusted with an unhealthy amount of sweat and body odour. Wiping a tear from my cheek, I locked my snivelling eyes with Sunny's contented ones and nodded obediently to his request.

Sunny had previously promised to be gentle with my body, but that did not turn out to be the case, as he promptly forgot his words to me as soon as I agreed to do his bidding.

My recently abused, unhealed skin was bruised and illuminated with fresh bleeding cuts everywhere I looked. The intense pain of losing my virginity in such a brutal way burned my privates like I'd been branded with an extremely hot iron, causing my body to tremble uncontrollably.

"What should I do, the blood won't stop Sunny? I can't leave like this." I stared at him with all the trust I could muster for a person in a lifetime, allowing all my fears and unanswered questions to settle into my wide brown eyes.

Sunny rolled his eyes at a very scared and confused little girl who was desperately waiting on his every word, picking up his tee-shirt from the floor and throwing it over his shoulder with a sigh.

Sunny locked a strangely cold gaze at me, stretching his lips in the fakest smile I'd ever seen adorning his pretty face, and that strange sight caused a violent shiver to run down my unsuspecting spine.

"You don't have to be concerned, baby; this is normal because it's your first time, and it will get better soon, I promise. All you have to do now is take a bath, and it will all go away." He bent down and picked up my dress from the ground, handed it to me, and urged me to put it on, his identical smile still on his face.

I was unsure what to make of his words and facial expressions, but I obediently did as I was told. Turning away from me as if he hadn't just seen and touched my naked body, Sunny urged me to make my dressing movements as quick as possible, as if I was keeping him from attending to something more important than my current state.

Once I was dressed, he turned to look at me, strolled up to where I was standing by the side of the mattress, gently took my hand in his, and began leading us quietly towards the door.

"Now, don't forget to take a bath when you get home, okay?" As soon as we both got to the door, he said with a smile, and that's when it hit me: 'Sunny was indirectly chasing me out of his house!'

Shocked and confused, I came to a halt by the side of the door, my mind racing at a thousand miles per second as I frantically searched for a way to stop him from chasing me out while also figuring out how to make him realize what he was unaffectedly doing to me, his girlfriend.

"But...but...couldn't I take a bath here? If I go home looking like this, my stepmother will kill me." I begged him with teary puffy eyes, gesturing helplessly to my blood-stained white dress and body.

"Fine," came the reply, instantly turning all my previous concerns into smiles and relief breaths. But as quickly as it arrived, it vanished from my lips just as fast. This happened the moment he went back into his apartment and came out with a roll of tissue paper, which he casually handed to me.

I found myself staring up at him confused again, this time with a roll of toilet paper in my hand, waiting for explanations.

"Use this and clean yourself up; unfortunately, you won't be able to do so here because I'm in a hurry; I have an urgent matter to attend to at my shop." Sunny knelt to my level, kissed my left cheek, turned around, locked the door to his house, and then left me.

Panicking, I ran after him and grabbed his hand as if my life depended on it—which, to be honest, it did. I couldn't simply let him leave me standing there alone and terrified.

"Sunny, can't I stay here until it gets a little dark?"

"No," he said simply, no more, no less, as he made another move to leave me. I clung to him even tighter, deciding it was best to change my question.

"Will...will... you come for my hand in marriage next week?" I perked up at him, a twinkle of hope in my wide stares, waiting for an answer to my eager question. I was desperate for confirmation of his previous promises. I desired it as much as I desired the air I was currently breathing.

Sunny looked down at the hand I was using to hold him back, and a look of annoyance washed over his features.

In the blink of an eye, his face had transformed from soft to hard, and the eyes that were now glaring at me were as cold as ice. All I could see staring back at me were the terrifying eyes of my stepmother. I was scared out of my mind, and I regretted ever gathering the courage to ask him any questions.

"Seriously?! Are you questioning me? Do we need to repeat this conversation?" My mouth dropped open, but I couldn't form a single syllable to save myself.

"Didn't I promise to marry you by next week, or do you no longer trust me?"

An instant realization struck me as panic engulfed my entire system like an angry wave... I had inadvertently enraged Sunny, and I was undoubtedly edging dangerously closer to the pitiful, painful cliff of break-ups and bye-bye marriage lives.

I quickly went down on my knees and begged for mercy, not giving him time to consider such a disastrous decision.

"Please forgive me, I didn't mean it that way," I said quickly, clutching his arm and staring into his eyes as hot tears threatened to fall down my cheeks.

Sunny's features immediately softened as he realized I was about to cry, and he proceeded to let a small smile creep its way up to his very nice lips. His gentle actions cast a lovely enchantment over my once-aching heart, and I found myself crying tears of joy instead of my initial tears of pain.

After all, this small gesture from him demonstrated that he cared about me.

"Don't cry, baby; remember I'm here for you?" He kissed my forehead softly and continued, "You don't have to be worried, my love; I'll see you next week. For the time being, all you need to do is return home because it's getting late." Sunny said this as he gently stroked his hand up and down my back.

Sunny took some money from his pocket and handed it to me. He bent to my level, placed a soft peck on my cheeks, and ran away before I could stop him again.

*****

I skulked around Sunny's house long after he'd left me, trying not to get caught by avoiding all of his neighbours. It was a difficult task to complete because he lived in a rented apartment building, but I struggled to remain hidden. I just didn't want him to have any problems with them later on because of me.

I hid behind a large flower pot, too embarrassed to walk out in the open for people to see my sorry state. I prayed for darkness to come quickly and swallow me whole.

While I hid, the thought of mother noticing my blood-stained white dress or the fresh cuts all over my body terrified me—not that mother would have minded the new cuts on me, but I was certain the bloodstains would not go unnoticed.

Fearing her reaction made me even more determined to remain hidden until I had the opportunity to leave. Besides, I wasn't worried about returning home late—except for my mother seeing my current state—because I knew she'd assume I'd returned late due to hawking as usual.

Ahh! My life would have been a little less shitty if Sunny had let me wait inside his house instead of out in the cold hallway.

*****

I got up from the cold hard floor and made my way home once the sky had darkened. I stopped by the street food vendors to get some food for my baby brother in case he was sent to bed hungry again—something that seemed to be happening more frequently lately.

I collected and paid for my food while ignoring the strange and concerned looks I received from the food vendors and passersby.

Nothing else mattered at the time, not even the excruciating pains I was experiencing or the staggering pattern in my steps; all that mattered to me was seeing Peter smile and seeing him truly happy one day.

Thanks to Sunny's love, I would soon be able to realize my dreams, which had seemed so impossible just a day before, and for which I had prayed and hoped for so many agonizing nights and days, and I could almost taste them on the tip of my tongue.

No matter how painful it felt, I knew one thing for certain... I was willing to go through it all again and again. My discomfort was a small price to pay for the certainty of a better and brighter future for both Peter and myself.

In other words, my current state was simply the result of my freedom inflicting pain.