Nothing Works

"How is your pain level right now? one being the least amount of pain and ten being the worst", Charlotte asks me.

I wasn't even noticing or even thinking about pain or the fact that I have two fractures in my back.

"Umm a four maybe", I lie.

Now that she has asked me, I am in quite a lot of pain. She must notice I lied because she gets a few extra pillows from the closet and places them under my arms.

"I am just going to adjust your posture so that you are more comfortable", she says.

Before I can respond, she stands up and leans over me while gently placing her hands behind my shoulders, shifting my upper body slightly to the left. I hold my breath and realize that my body will not lift on its own and she is the one moving my torso.

"Does that help with the pain at all?" she looks worried.

"yes" I reply, not lying this time.

"I am sorry for all the commotion earlier, it must have been scary for you not knowing why you are here", she says to me.

I do not know what to say so I just nod. The events are unreal to me and I need to be reminded of the details. I gather all the courage I have and ask her, "Can you please tell me what happened again and how I got here?"

She sits back down next to me, "of course" she says.

She continues to tell me that I was hit by a car while I was walking in the street in London, I was taken to the hospital where they did surgery on my lower spine to stabilize it, then I was immediately flown here to Boston on a med plane. Mark had heard about this experimental therapy program for people with spinal cord injuries and called Charlotte immediately. There was only one spot open, so Mark and my family flew me here right away.

"It was very important that your family get you here quickly, because therapy treatment needs to start immediately so that your nerves stay active and you have the best chance of regaining strength and movement", she says looking straight into my eyes so that she knows I understand.

All I can do is nod and stare at her. Her eyes are so calm, and I am caught trying to figure out what color they are, instead of honestly listening to what she is saying. There is a layer of dark blue, then green and a hint of gold to her eyes, they are mesmerizing!

"Is it alright that I try a few things to your left arm like I did to your right one? and to your legs and feet?" she asks me.

I immediately stop staring at her, "yeah, sure" I clear my throat and say.

She walks over to my left side and gently picks up my left arm and begins to press and massage in the same areas she did with my right arm. She must see the discouragement on my face when she asks me to squeeze her hand and I am barely able to do it.

She looks at me with an encouraging smile and says, "It's ok, you can feel what I am doing right?, this is just your baseline, and now I know what we will need to work on" .

I should be scared as shit right now, but she seems so hopeful and maybe I should be too.

She moves to my right leg, this time just moving her hand from my thigh down to my toes.

"Can you feel this?" she asks me with a concerned look.

"No" I angrily state, not meaning to sound so angry, but now I feel like I am shaking and hyperventilating all over again.

She firmly presses her thumb into my inner thigh next to my groin and keeps it there a few seconds before massaging my upper leg. She then presses into areas around my knee and into my calf. I can feel that now as she is looking at me and waiting for me to respond.

"Just breathe" she says in a soft yet comforting tone.

I feel my breathing begin to slow again as she massages my leg and foot.

"Try to lift your knee up from the bed", she tells me.

Just then she gives me a huge smile. "That was a good inch up off the bed", she says with excitement.

At that moment I feel myself smiling back at her, and I feel a small sense of relief.

She moves to my left leg, doing the same she did with my right. Only this time my left leg barely moved when she asked me. For some reason, the left side of my body does not want to cooperate, but since she still looks so hopeful, I will too for the moment.

Charlotte then begins to explain that the therapy treatment will be intense. Constant therapy for 16 hours every day. She explained some of different types of therapy they do here and that her and her assistant and one other person would oversee my case.

She informs me that my program will last 12-18 months, and at the end of the 12 months I would have gained all the feeling and movement I was going to have. After that, therapy would switch to learning how to live independently. When she informs me that I may or may not need crutches or a wheelchair to help me get around for the rest of my life, my eyes swell up and tears start rolling down my cheeks.

She tucks her long dirty-blonde wavy hair behind her ears and leans over to wipe my tears from my face, since I cannot do it myself.

We talked for a little longer. she made sure I knew that I would have ups and downs, and that I would need to be on a bladder and bowel regiment to help gain control of those again.

"What do you mean control my bladder and bowels again?" I harshly ask her.

She then takes my hand in hers and looks at me with her beautiful multi color eyes and says" I know you are angry and scared, and 12 months is a long time, but I will do whatever it takes and I will help you every step of the way, to get you back to an active happy lifestyle".

Charlotte wipes my tears one more time. It is killing me to know that this beautiful girl undoubtedly will need to do everything for me. I cannot even lift my own hand up to my face to wipe off my embarrassment.

"I will send in Nate to get you cleaned up and I will let your family and manager know about the program and the length of therapy we discussed, I will be right outside if you need anything else", she says and walks out the door.

I can feel warmth near my groin area and look down to realize that I have pissed myself. "fuck" I blurt out loudly. Does any part of my body work anymore?