~ Ellis ~

I stood in that gross bathroom, tears running down my cheeks, mindlessly. I could hear Harri's quick footsteps out of the bathroom and my mind was blank. There wasn't a rush of thoughts like normal, or a panic. I was completely empty like a canvas, blank outside and bleak inside. I didn't know what to do at all. I kept wiping away my tears but I was afraid my sweater was going to give my cheeks rug-burn. The fabric was too rough for crying.

She thought I was bright? Why did she tell me that? Did she know it was me crying?

I had originally ran in there during Health. My teacher called me she and for once, I tried to correct her. She then proceeded to be transphobic and I couldn't take it anymore. Was I going to get a detention for that? Probably.

Nobody knew how much pressure was put on me to be something special. Because I had brains. Because I soaked in information like a sponge. Because I was born of a rich family. Because I had every chance in the world. Nobody really considered if I wanted to. Becoming a psychologist had always been a dream of mine. I love helping people, it's a successful job, I would make a lot of money, and it was a chance to study at a wonderful school. No one knew that I really would rather become an artist. I didn't expect them to. I showed mom a drawing I did once. She scolded me for spending 4 hours on it when I could've been studying. The first thing mom has ever supported me with is being non-binary. She didn't care because gender never really mattered to her. It's something I've held close to me because I am never supported with anything else. So I admittedly lost it when my health teacher told me it wasn't a real thing.

Then, Harri... She was such a beautiful person. I had no idea why she was in the dirty stall or why she even cared that I was crying, but it felt wonderful to have someone ask me how I felt. When I was talking about her, to her apparently, she thought I was a great person. I bet her opinion changed when she realized it was me.

The part I was most stuck on was when she said I remind her of a star.

They remind me of a star in the sky. Bright and attention grabbing, but also far away and distant.

I knew I was distant, but bright and attention grabbing? How? I always had on a gray sweatshirt and my hair was a tangled, curled mess and my skin was always dirty and riddled with the scribblings of my fluorescent yellow pen. If she meant attention-grabbing like a hobo, then I don't disagree, but after she said that she liked me, she lost me.

I'd made a small puddle on the floor with my tears that I'd barely felt leave my eyes, and I decided now wasn't the time to get stuck on words. I needed to get back to Health before I got into more trouble than I already did.

I felt hollow and I was struggling to feel anything as I walked back to Health. I wasn't scared, anxious, or sad. I just had a shaky feeling in my bones, and that was it. I both hated and loved it when my emotions turned off. I hated that it seemed depressing, but I loved that nothing could affect me.

I was chastised when I entered the classroom, but I didn't care. I didn't even care if my face was red and ugly. I simply stopped caring.

"Besides Ellie's rude interruption, today's topic is suicide and self-harm as well as substance abuse. If you feel triggered about this topic you may leave the room at any point and will be notified when it is over," I struggled to remember her name at the moment. She reminded me of a lemming however, so I just nicknamed her Ms. Lemming. When I was hollow it was hard to focus or remember anything.

I promptly got up and left the room. It was a solid free period this way. As I was opening the door she announced loudly so I could hear, "If you choose to leave the class however, you will be having a personal meeting with your counselor on the 12th."

I shut the door behind me regardless. My counselor didn't care about me. He had too much shit on his plate to focus on a small minority like me.

I sat on the floor adjacent to the door, my legs crossed underneath me. I pulled out my laptop and saw an email notification flash across the screen.

hford1516@outlook.com

subject: are you okay

hey I just wanted to check are you okay

I deleted the email. Maybe that was cold of me, but I wasn't interested. At the moment, all I knew was that I had outed myself to the one person I think I genuinely care about and I knew for a fact that she didn't feel the same way I did and that she most likely said all those things out of pity.

I just had to make myself not feel anything anymore.

I opened my studentvue and studied my grades. I had all A's and 3 missing assignments in total. The missing assignments were all the assignments that were due in two weeks that the teachers had marked missing to scare us into doing them. I shut my laptop harder than I intended to in a fit of frustration and immediately checked to make sure I hadn't damaged it. I dumped it next to me and threw my hands over my face.

What am I doing? Honestly. Why?

I took out my earbuds and phone out of my pocket and pressed shuffle on my Spotify playlist.

Animal- Sir Chloe

Ah, this felt like an appropriate song for the moment.

- I tried to love you, but you're not my type

Tried to pretend, but it just don't feel right to be your number one

Should've known better. I tried to stay cool.

You were telling me "I'm such a fool to say, now, number one"

Make me behave like an animal

Make me behave like an animal

I'm asking nicely, give me what I want

I'll ask politely, give me what I want -

I felt tears drop down my neck and I didn't bother wiping them away. What was this game of life we all played? This game of feelings and pointless decisions?

Time passed slowly. Each word of every lyric seemed to take an eternity and I seemed to lose touch with the world around me. I couldn't see anything anymore, and if I did, it was simply unremarkable. I only felt the ambient heat of the heater next to me and I tasted nothing but the bitter hollow of my mood. For once, I wasn't thinking. My head was silent and only filled with the sound of the singer's voice.