18 - In Sickness And In Health

[Peggy's POV]

Ugh. Everything is bleak. The tiles, the windows, the vanity, the grime on every surface. There are puddles of water on the floor… Then why am I kneeling down on them? I'll explain later. Right now, everyone is on the campus dance, except for me, and Laf of course. My limbs, joints and brain are fine, but my internal organs feel disgusting, like a mixture of dirty garbage and saliva. TMI, you're probably thinking. TMI! Anyway… My phone is nearby and I pick it up as usual.

TheBossSister

Angie - I broke up with him…

Pegs - Wait. What?! With who?

Angie - Sassy macaroni bitch. Who else?

Pegs - Oh… Idk. Good on you! Found anyone else??

Angie - Actually, yeah! His name is John. Not the John. Ooh! He's here! Ttyl.

The phone is blackened with a click. My stomach is churning with this horrible feeling. I'm trying to keep it calm, but I just can't. I can't keep it down. The darn thing isn't even working! It all comes out. I want to stare at myself in the mirror, but no, I'm just too damn depressed. The tablet isn't working. Neither are the usual methods. Cramming in food just makes me regurgitate like a filthy bird. I've tried and tested it several times, aka what I did five minutes ago. Good pizza, but nasty after-effects! Television is no longer entertaining, nor are the cringy games on my phone. Books aren't soothing anymore. Board games are unplayable… I could continue the list for hours and that in itself won't keep me sane. I retch some more. The whole world feels like it's coming to an end. I can't contact anyone, because that makes me seem stupid, right Pegs? Yeah. I can't ruin their nights with my stupid problems. I stand up with a sudden feebleness and bound onto my bed. It crashes with a thundering satisfaction. The weather outside is beautiful. It's clear and starry, clouds floating through the mass like cotton candy almost. I wish I could eat it! Well, no, Peggy. You can't. That's a mixture of gases in the air. I'm going insane at the seams.

I'm going insane.

I grab my laptop, typing at the speed of light.

How to fix insanity

Great! It's given me eight ways, and I'll attempt them all, one by one.

1. Meditation - The practice of meditation has been around for centuries, and for good reason…

Alright. Sounds easy enough. I cross my legs and sit like an old monk. Breathe in. Breathe out. Inhale. Exhale. The website tells me to go for five minutes straight. Ok. Time starts now. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Calm sensation. This is good Peggy! Keep going! Inhale. Exhale. Feeling like vomiting. Dreary headache. Startling nausea. They all come in a frightening domino effect as I stumble over to the bathroom. Everything is just spiralling out of control. After a good twenty minutes cleansing my system, I scrap that first idea. I wonder what number two is?

2. Move Your Body…

Umm… I have a bad feeling about this one… Oh, what the hell! I don't think my brain can deal with any negotiation. No immediate stomach reaction… But then all my limbs just start feeling this ongoing strain. Number three, please be good!

3. Be Honest With Yourself…

Mental cleanse... Alright, well, I'm Peggy! I'm in college at the moment, all my friends are happy, dancing and partying while I'm trying to escape a physical, emotional and mental hellhole. Could I be anymore honest?! Skip this.

4. Clear Your Clutter…

My clutter is real. This could actually help. I gain two for the price of one! A nicer, fresher feeling room and a better mental state. I grab a bucket from the closet and start chucking. Oh, look here! All my magazines that I don't even read. Trash. A few random keyrings and figurines I bought at a comic book store once. It's Wonder Woman! Nice! Keep the figurines, dump the keyrings. About my college necessities… I can't just throw out all my books, but I can rearrange them! I find another trash bin for unnecessary looms of paper. It's basically all language stuff, and geography. My sisters are very hygienic in their ways, always pristine and organised. Their designated sides are clean, mine however, I think you can picture for yourself. I deal with the clothes now, because they are scattered everywhere. I pick up my fancy dresses and varied things, hanging them up gracefully on some stray hangers. Something is happening this time around. My head is tingling with some strange feeling. It's a form of content, along with some kind of zappiness that I haven't sensed in a long time. I think it's wearing away! All I've gotta do is keep filing everything. I go for another twenty minutes, and now I'm a speed demon at this. Within the next half hour the entire space is refreshed to what I would call the highest calibre.

"Oh my God, Peggy! You've done it! And the crowd goes wild! Whee!" I squeal and scream and spin. My phone is ringing like a maniac but I'm too damn ecstatic to answer it. "Look! My cataplexy is gone! It's gone! All I needed was some---" And it smashes me like a massive tidal wave. It's the low. "Self-management. Because I'm too much of a problem already…" And even though I've cleaned the room to the max, it still destroys my insides. I sob myself into that dreaded state until my eyes can't take it anymore. Ugh. I just had hope, but now it's dripped down the drain. Fine. I'll try number five.

5. Nourishment…

Freaking. Hell. No!

6. Set Goals...

What kind of goals do I set? Self-diagnose myself out of cataplexy? Eh, I dunno. I find a spare notebook, quite easily I might add, and begin the list.

Goals

Finish college I guess?

Cure this goddamn disease of an illness

Do something good for once

This is just making me doubt my own self more… I scroll down the page and realise I'll need my notebook for this one too. I line my page under where I've written my measly notes.

7. Make To-Do Lists…

Similar principle, except I don't have much to do. I truly do hope that this last one is the best...

8. Keep Positive Relationships Close…

It makes total sense. I've been blocking them out for a whole night! Why don't I fall asleep and forget about it? You know what? That's exactly what I am gonna… I'm barely able to reach the bedsheets, so I pull one down and slump against the side of the bed, somehow falling into the deepest slumber I have ever had in this easily affected, cataplexic mental state.

[Time Skip To Next Day]

Time has already flown on by. My sisters are back and drowsy, but they don't know a damn thing, and I intend to keep it that way.

"Morning…" Eliza yawned.

"It's actually midday." Angelica commented.

"Ugh. Fine…" She rubs her eyes. I bet you she's having a hangover, "How was your night, Pegs? You didn't make it to the dance…"

"I know," I sigh, "I was too tired, and I had no one to go with. I wasn't bothered to meet anyone!" I chuckle, and Eliza makes her way to the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

After a few minutes I hear her say something, "Um… Peggy? You might wanna check this out…" She opens the door. Oh no. Something must've occurred in my sleep, dammit, because the way I remember it, I had cleaned up that room as well.

Right next to the toilet, spurts of red all over the tiled floor.

I. Don't. Remember. That. That's so weird! I trace it back in my mind. I was following the website, I did it all, then I fell asleep right here and… Nothing.

"I'll check your phone!" Angie has overheard us. She grabs it and flicks through the phone calls. Ever since my sisters bought me a phone, every call has been saved in some kind of bank. I don't quite understand it, or question it nowadays, but she's looking through it and that's what seems to light her curiosity. She clicks one, which immediately starts playing.

"Oh, hi Peggy. Nice to hear from you…" The voice pauses as I hear myself retching and spluttering. I don't know why I'm even doing it. "I'm on my way!"

"Help!" I'm croaking on the tape, "Help."

The rest on their end is a bunch of static and noise as the person moves from location to location, feet loud and aggressive. They shove some people aside because the next sounds are a few grumbles, screeches and cries. I think they are getting closer. Oh yes! Much closer. The mystery individual is now rushing up staircases and banging on the dorm door. I'm somehow able to let them in, or maybe they realised there was a key in their pocket? I don't have any recollection of it, so the second one seems plausible. They hurry inside.

"I don't know--" I splutter more, "What it is!"

"Look, Peggy, it's okay…"

The present me suddenly realises the voice. Now it comes back! Hercules came to my aid for whatever reason. The rest of the saved phone call continues, but all the pictures are flooding back in sync.

"I'll grab the mop." He darts over to the bathroom corner and he's trying to clean it, he really is, but I just keep spewing. Some of it is vomit, which has landed in the toilet thank goodness, some of it is blood, some of it is just a bunch of dust particles. That's the mess Herc is mopping up. I flush the toilet and shuffle back against the wall, looking away from everything that'll make me want to belch or convulse or make me feel like a disgusting human. Not even that. A disgusting… thing. Once Herc is done, he sits in front of me.

"Can you tell me what's happening?" His voice isn't uptight or judgemental or reckless or cocky like it usually is, it's kind of… sweet. Kind of genuine.

"It's the cataplexy." I say.

"What's tha---" Another piece of information ebbs and flows. He wasn't there when I made the announcement two or so odd years ago. He was on some field trip. Anyway, I explain it. The ups and downs, the rollercoaster movement of emotion, the additional symptoms of horrific self-doubt that often veered towards depression, the almost bipolar-like tendency to be ecstatic at one time and hopeless, helpless, drowning, vulnerable the next. "Oh, that's no good. Do you see a therapist? Or a doctor?" My eyes are louder than any possible words. "C'mon, Pegs, anything?"

I shake my head.

"Well, we are going to one right n--"

"Noooooo…" I slur, body slumping down. My muscles are going weak. I'm not dying, no! Just approaching sleep. I'd know when my time was up.

"Can you please stand?" He tugs at my hand. I do try, and do fail, plopping straight back down.

"There's honestly no use, H--" I'm stopping on my own bodily accord, eyes drooping and mouth lazy, emitting small snores within seconds. I'm still semi conscious, for I hear his feet scuffle around, breath rushed, tainted with alcohol, him muttering varied bits of information.

"We need a doctor… We need a doctor… Those nurse people in here are crappy ass people that let Thomas' best friend die, so we ain't goin' there… Fine." He concluded. I heard no more talk, just the thump of a blanket next to me, and even more chaotic sounds. My current-me eyes adjusted to the sight but grew a little misty.

"He stayed with me the whole night… Does that mean anything… Yeah. Goddamn support Pegs! C'mon. Think like him for once with his recklessness and pizzazz!"

"Are you okay?" Angie pipes up, breaking through the wall that separated me from my memories.

"Yeah. Let's clean up this shit!" I lunge for the mop and dance around a little, Lizi grabbing some sponges and taking control of the operation, probably because she thinks that I can't do anything myself. True. Ish. After that, I honestly don't know what to do so I fall back onto those unplayable phone games which satisfy me for now. My sisters are striking up questions now, and I try to answer them comprehensively.

"How come you are all shifty around this?" Angie starts, "I am the boss sister after all, and we deserve to know. We are here to protect you!"

"Sure, with your cataplexy monitors going out of sync, then you'll have to upgrade your forces!" I smirk.

"We had them off. We were… busy…" I'm confused with the slight pause in Eliza's speech, but no bother. I check my timetable, and realise that English is more important than lazing around, even considering the mental stuff, and salute my sisters with cheeriness. They have my back any day of the week. Right? I guess so. I approach Chem with a spring in my step, hoping that that spring will continue to be there, so I don't fall back down, and have the chance of never getting back up again.