Selfish Love

Warning: Mild sexual content.

~*~

The thought struck Theo's heart like a knife of cold steel. Just like that, it ripped apart the haze blurring his senses.

Heart slamming, he slowly pulled himself back from Zenith. A part of him ached from the loss of contact, but he shoved it down as ruthlessly as he could.

"Th...Theo?" Zenith panted, eyelashes fluttering. Oh God – what Theo wouldn't do to jump him this instant and make even more of a mess out of him, but –

But he couldn't. He'd already gone way too far.

"I...I…." His mind raced, struggling for the right words. After all, he'd landed into this whole situation because he hadn't thought before speaking. "I'm...I'm sorry."

"Hm?" Blinking again, Zenith sat a little more upright. The flush still burned in his cheeks, but he was coming back to his senses. "What's the matter?"

"N-nothing, I just…." Theo wiped at his mouth. "I went a little...overboard? Already – already gave you enough Levia."

Damn it all, his voice rose to a squeak. It was true, though; if he reached across the contract he could sense just how brilliantly Zenith's crystal core was shining, almost as blinding as the sun.

"Ah, that's true." Zenith brushed his hand across his chest. Theo tried not to follow the elegant movements of his fingers, or look at the skin exposed by his robe falling down from his shoulder. All those little red marks. His nipple still stiff and glistening wet.

The desire stirred in Theo's gut again – and it didn't get any better when a satisfied smile spread across Zenith's face.

"I wouldn't want to exhaust you. Thank you for what you've given me, Theo. Even though you had no reason, you still...you really are much too kind."

Just like that, the desire turned into ice. No, Zenith had it completely wrong. Kind? Theo hadn't done this for Zenith at all, but for himself.

And yet he'd seriously considered confessing to Zenith? Just the thought made him want to kick himself in the chest.

Not just because Zenith didn't understand love. Even if he did, Theo still had no right to confess.

He did love Zenith – there was no use in denying it. No matter how hard he tried to bury his feelings, they would eventually come bursting out again.

But this love he felt for Zenith was selfish to the core. A desire to own him, to make Zenith acknowledge only him. It had nothing to do with Zenith's feelings.

No matter what, he wouldn't be able to stop himself from loving Zenith. That didn't mean, though, that he had the right to take advantage of Zenith like this.

'One day, I will tell Zenith I love him,' Theo resolved. 'But not today. Not until I can look him in the eye and say those words for his sake, not mine.'

"Theo?" Zenith's voice, soft and hesitant, made Theo snap his head up. To his relief, he saw that Zenith had pulled his robe back up, though it couldn't hide the marks on his neck.

"I'm sorry about that," he burst out. "I didn't mean to – to leave marks – "

"Hm?" Zenith brushed a fingertip along the hickey at the base of his jaw. "It's all right. They will fade quickly."

Theo sighed in relief, though there was no denying the selfish part of him felt a little disappointed. But who cared what it thought.

"So, um." He cleared his throat, trying to sound businesslike. "If you don't need anything else from me…."

"No, I don't," Zenith said, mild as ever. Aside from the pink tinge in his face – and the marks on his neck, of course – he showed no indication of what they'd just done. "Have a good night, Theo. And thank you again."

He pulled his tangled hair over his shoulder, then stood with his usual breathtaking grace and headed over to the curtain. Just as he pulled it open, he threw Theo one last glance over his shoulder. Theo's heart jolted when he saw the warm smile on Zenith's face.

"I'm glad I was able to help you as well."

"H-help me?" Theo squeaked.

"Yes." Zenith tilted his head. "Your Levia feels much calmer than before. Well, good night."

"Good night, Zenith," Theo managed to say, but he barely heard his own voice over his racing heartbeat. His Levia, calmer? After all that?

But sure enough, when he reached for his dawn light, he found it flowing through his body at a steady pace. Not even a hint of the burning-hot passion earlier.

Why? It couldn't possibly be because he'd kissed Zenith. Then maybe...it came from the decision he had made afterwards. His determination to change his feelings, to no longer love Zenith selfishly.

~*~

Amaro nodded at the sages guarding the temple entrance as he stepped out into the icy night. A bitter wind had begun blowing, stinging against his face. Even in their heavy robes, those guards couldn't be having a good time.

Well, Amaro still preferred this over ousting some poor Novice from their cell. Truth be told, he just couldn't relax in crowded places. Even the little village where he'd grown up had been much too cramped for him. So he'd left as soon as he could, pursuing a life out in the endless skies.

And here in particular...these halls held far too many memories. Better to spend the night with just him, Blue, and the stars.

But of course, it wasn't going to be that simple. As he climbed up to the deck, he saw a white-robed figure seated atop the cabin.

Amaro hung back, letting himself watch Cay. It looked like the sage was deep in meditation, legs folded and upturned hands rested on his knees. Drawn to his Levia, the deck's globe-fish bobbed above his head and bathed him in golden light.

Seeing him like this, Amaro almost forgot how to breathe. Give him wings and he might have been a seraphim straight out of an old painting.

Not for long. When Cay's eyes snapped open, the disgust blazing in them shattered every trace of beatific calm.

Putting on a grin, Amaro strode forward. "Sorry to interrupt."

"Tch." Cay turned away, hair swinging.

Amaro didn't stop until he was right beneath the cabin. "Not often I see you meditating. What's the occasion? You happy to be back home?"

Cay jerked like he'd been slapped, his cheeks darkening. Even after all these years, his reactions remained so honest.

"Shut up," he hissed.

As if Amaro would. With practiced nonchalance, he put his hands behind his head. "How about Eulyn? Is she happy too?"

Cay leaped to his feet at that. "How dare you!"

The venom in his voice stung fiercer than the wind. Amaro couldn't get enough of it. It wasn't like Cay had ever smiled at him, not even when they'd first met. That scrawny teenager who'd worn his hair swept back and braided like a proper sage had done nothing but shoot Amaro eye daggers as he skulked about like a self-appointed protector of Eulyn's virtue.

And when they'd met again, and in all the years since...well, yeah. The Demon Prince himself would return before Cay ever moved his lips upward.

Which was fine. He didn't need Cay's smiles. As long as he could still get a reaction….

Cay was still raging at him. "Go! Get out of here! Are you so bored you must resort to pestering me? Surely you can find a pretty young Dedicate to spend the night with."

'Nah, there's no one who'd compare to you,' but Amaro had more sense than to say it. "Sorry," he said, putting on a sheepish grin. "I kinda have to ask you since, you know, you're way better at sensing Levia than me."

"So what?" Cay shouted. "I've never – "

His face flooding red, he whipped his head to the side. Well, he was as easy to read as ever, so Amaro knew exactly what he'd intended to say.

If Amaro strained with all his might, he could feel Blue's Levia. A calming presence that slowly welled up inside his body, reminding him of a cloudless sky. Before he'd met Eulyn, it had been a lot harder to sense, not to mention seemed much smaller.

His gaze flicked up to the woman wrapped in Blue's tentacles. Eulyn herself had said she wouldn't disappear, that she would always be here with Blue.

But there was no point saying any of this to Cay. He'd tried time and again, but he knew Cay would accept nothing less than hearing Eulyn's voice himself. Come to think of it, that was probably what he'd been doing out here. Maybe he'd hoped that with the boost in Levia from the temple, his efforts to reach her might succeed this time.

'He's so pitiful,' Amaro thought, watching as Cay wrapped his arms around himself. Always holding himself so stiffly, terrified of losing even an ounce of control. Even then, his emotions ended up spilling all across his face anyway.

That was just one of the many things Amaro loved about him. Love...ha. If you could call it that. If he really 'loved' Cay, he wouldn't go out of his way to wind the guy up.

But Amaro had always been selfish. As long as those gray eyes focused on him, even if they blazed with hate, he didn't need anything else.

"You're still here?" Cay snapped. A thrill ran down Amaro's spine when he saw the fury twisting his face.

"Thought I'd keep you company," Amaro said, and was rewarded with a sniff and toss of the head.

Oh yes, this was much too fun. He only felt the slightest – slightest – regret when he thought of Eulyn watching silently from above. He could just picture her shaking her head and sighing, telling him she'd thought better of him.

Well, she'd always been wrong on that count.