I Never Understood

'This can't be happening. This isn't real.'

The words looped through Theo's head until they lost all meaning, but it was all he had to cling to. If he kept telling himself that, if he closed his eyes and focused only on the cold metal beneath his hands and knees, maybe he could really make himself believe this had all been one horrible nightmare. Maybe when he opened his eyes again, he'd see Zenith kneeling before him, asking if he was all right.

But no matter how hard he tried to pretend, he couldn't ignore the aching void in his chest. Deep as an abyss, without even the memory of light.

Even with his eyes shut, he felt the world close in around him like a cage. Every breath took more effort than the last, stabbing like a jagged knife through the wound where Zenith had once been. 

He'd felt like this before, hadnt he? When Oliver had broken their bond....

But it was completely different now. Because – because this time, Zenith had – he'd chosen to – 

A violent shudder wracked Theo's body. He felt like he was going to throw up – or cry, or scream until his voice gave out. He didn't know. Didn't know anything at all.

A hand on his shoulder, gentle and tentative. Before he could stop himself, his eyes flew open. Sam gazed back at him, her face ashen and eyes shimmering with tears.

Something wrenched in his chest, but he couldn't begin to identify what it might be. And before he could think more about it, an outraged howl tore through the air.

Darian, slamming her fist into the deck. "Damn it all! Who the hell does he think he is anyway? All that 'you're not worthy, you're not worthy' talk like he's some reality show host voting us off the island! How arrogant and pompous can he possibly – "

As she ranted, her voice rising higher and higher, the pain in Theo's chest became unbearable. Without thinking, he shook off Sam's hand and rose unsteadily to his feet. 

"Just shut up already," he said. Not quite shouting, but loud enough to be heard across the deck.

And it had its intended effect: Darian cut off mid-sentence. She whipped toward him, face flushed and eyes wild. "Excuse me?"

"Shut up, I said." Strangely enough, he didn't feel angry – just tired down to his bones. 

"What right do you have – "

"No one's got the right to question you, huh? Because you're the prince. And that's why you thought Zenith was going to quietly sit back and do whatever you told him to."

He had no idea where these horrible words came from, but he couldn't stop. He didn't want to stop. All he knew was he couldn't stand hearing Darian blame Zenith and accuse him of things he couldn't defend himself from. Even if Theo himself had done pretty much the same thing just this morning...no, because he'd done the same thing.

"Now listen here!" Puffing out his feathers, Guntar stepped in front of Darian. "I know you may be upset, but that hardly gives you free reign to address the prince in such a manner!"

"It's fine," Darian snapped impatiently. "Go on, Theo. Tell me more about how this is all my fault, why don't you?"

She glared at Theo, a bitter smirk playing across her lips. Maybe not too long ago, Theo would've been intimidated. But it was nothing compared to the way Zenith had looked at him, cold and completely emotionless.

"Hold on." Before Theo could say anything, Victor's low voice drifted across the deck. He stepped forward, hands cautiously held out. "This isn't productive. We need to – "

"Quiet, you!" Guntar rounded on Victor. "Have you no shame at all? Why, if it weren't for you – "

"Oh, so you're saying that meathead was right?" Mirage shouted. "Then why don't you fly off after him and fellate that seraphim together?"

"Why – why – of all the – " Guntar sputtered, flapping his wings furiously.

More voices joined the fray, volleying back and forth, but none of it meant anything to Theo. A ferocious ache was beginning to pound inside his skull, making him feel like the slightest push would shatter him to bits. 

Mindlessly, he turned away and let his feet carry him toward the nearest hatch. But as he knelt to open it, footsteps pounded his way.

"Wait, wait, Theo," Sam cried. "Where are you going?"

Theo didn't look at her. "Don't follow me."

"Theo!" Sam reached for him, but Theo ducked under her arm and jumped down the hatch, slamming it shut in her face. The harsh, metallic clang echoed in his ears, mercifully cutting off the arguing voices above.

Now alone, Theo sprinted down the corridor. He didn't know where he was going, only that he needed to get away. Away from the others and their pointless arguments. Away from his own mind, his own memories. Away from his relentlessly churning Levia.

His feet carried him down a familiar path, but when he found himself in front of the cabin door, he froze. Just this morning, he'd stepped out of this door bursting with joy and hope. It already felt like a dozen lifetimes ago.

He'd been an idiot, a complete idiot. And now – 

He whirled around and took off running, wanting to put as much distance between himself and the cabin as possible. But where else could he go? Not the hold, where he'd sulked like a little brat after his argument with Zenith. The infirmary? No, Cay would inevitably find him.

Only after he descended a ladder did he realize where he was going. Almost unconsciously, as if trying to fill the void in his heart in some small way, he'd been heading toward a softly pulsing Levia. This faint blue glow could never replace the stark light that should have been there, but its gentle touch managed to blunt some of the pain, made it a little easier to breathe.

He crossed a short corridor that ended at a padlocked door, behind which the gentle Levia pulsed the strongest. Nevy had taught him the combination to the lock shortly after he'd joined the crew, so it didn't take him long to get it open.

As he stepped inside, Blue's Levia washed over him like a comforting blanket. He ducked down and crawled in the empty space beneath the engine, an intricate contraption of tubes and gears that channeled the medusid's Levia around the craft.

If he curled up with his knees tucked in, he barely managed to fit. His temple pressed against the bulkhead, beyond which the propellers thrummed. They filled the chamber with a low rumble almost as soothing as Blue's Levia. 

Motes of light drifted down like fireflies, dancing around his body. In her own way, Blue was trying to comfort him. To his horror, his chest tightened and tears burned in his eyes again.

Furious with himself, he curled up tighter. Hadn't he cried enough already? No matter how much he sobbed or raged, it wouldn't bring Zenith back.

His accusations to Darian echoed in his head. 'You thought Zenith was going to quietly sit back and do whatever you told him to.' A wisp of rage stirred in his heart, but it wasn't aimed at Darian alone.

After all, hadn't he treated Zenith the same way? Taken his loyalty for granted, never considered things from his perspective. Zenith might never have shown any resentment, but that didn't mean he wasn't feeling it.

As his last words had made clear. 'Do not presume for me.' Even now, remembering them turned Theo's blood to ice.

All this time, he thought he'd seen beneath the image of a knight in shining armor and gotten to know the real Zenith. A serious, but kind and awkward young man who would do anything for the people he cared about. That Zenith would never have started a fight with Victor. Or betrayed the crew. Or...or rejected Theo's feelings. 

But that just meant Theo hadn't really known Zenith. He'd only seen what he wanted to see, warped through the lens of his own selfish ideals, and he'd still had the nerve to call it love.

Now Zenith was gone, and Theo had lost the chance to understand him for good.