To Know Another

If only Theo could stay here forever, alone except for Blue's Levia and the thrumming propellers. But too soon, footsteps thudded from behind the door and it swung open with a tremendous bang.

"Theo! There you are!"

As Sam's voice echoed around the engine room, Theo curled up tighter and mashed his face against the bulkhead. But of course, she didn't go away.

"C'mon, I know you're not sleeping. It can't be comfortable in there anyway. Why don't we go and get some fresh air?"

Leave me alone, but Theo couldn't summon the will to say it. He imagined wrapping himself in a thick blanket, protecting him from the outside world like a cocoon. Something about the sensation felt oddly familiar.

But he couldn't wonder about it when Sam wouldn't stop talking, getting louder and more desperate. "Are you really gonna sulk here forever? What's that gonna accomplish?"

Like he wanted to accomplish anything in the first place. Right now, he only knew that he couldn't face the others yet. Their questions – their judgments – would be far too much to bear. 

"Please, I just – you have to know you're not alone, okay?" Sam stopped shouting, but her pleading was far worse. "Everyone's lost and confused. Times like this, we...we need to stick together, right?"

Her voice trembled like she was about to cry, and it sent a dull knife twisting through Theo's heart. But with the guilt came something else – a flare of anger as brief and hot as a lightning bolt. Before he could stop himself, he snapped, "What's the point? It's already too late."

He sounded horrible, strained and raspy like he was spitting out sand. Still, Sam understood him. "So you're just gonna give up?"

"You can lecture me after your familiar abandons you." Even as he growled out the words, he knew it was unfair. When Sam breathed in sharply, guilt twisted his guts into knots, but he stubbornly tried to fight it back.

"I – I, okay, I don't know what you're going through, that's true. But I can't stand seeing you like this. And I don't think you want to be like this either!"

"Don't act like you know how I feel," Theo spat. Sam didn't understand anything. She only wanted to mold him to fit her mental image – just like he had done with Zenith.

In the end, it was impossible to know another's heart. If he'd learned anything from this whole mess, it was that.

"I know you're not gonna feel any better if you stay here. When things get tough, you've gotta face it head-on, right? As – as long as you can still fight – " 

As Sam spewed platitudes, something snapped inside Theo. "Fight who? What? That seraphim? Zenith chose to go with him. He chose it! I couldn't stop him, so what the hell am I supposed to do about it now?"

His voice rose so high it cracked. For the longest time, the only sound in the engine room was his harsh, ragged breathing. His throat burned, but it didn't hurt half as much as his heart.

When Sam spoke, her voice came quiet and hesitant. "But you...you don't want to just accept it, right? Otherwise you wouldn't be so upset. You still care about him, don't you?"

"Wow, aren't you an expert," Theo said bitterly. He hated Sam, and he hated himself, but above all he hated that he had no defense from the bite of truth to her words.

Sputtering, Sam stomped on the floor. Before Theo could feel relieved she had finally run out of words, another voice spoke up. "Look, you're not getting anywhere. Let's leave him alone for now."

Ryllis, brusque as ever. Theo pictured her grabbing Sam's arm and giving a slight shake of her head, and stupidly enough, tears stung his eyes. It was the kind of thing Zenith would have done.

Suddenly he couldn't stand to spend a second longer around Sam and Ryllis, flaunting their bond while he was all alone. But before he could tell them to go away, he heard footsteps thudding down the corridor and becoming steadily fainter. Miraculously, it seemed Sam had decided to listen to Ryllis. 

Theo breathed out, though the pain in his chest didn't subside. It probably never would. All he could do was close his eyes and try not to think. Not about Zenith, and definitely not about anything Sam had said.

~*~

Once they got back to their cabin, Sam sat down on her bed. Ryllis leaned against the bunk across from her, arms folded. 

It was just the two of them; Lodo was taking care of Jin. Sam felt like she needed to speak, but couldn't begin to find the words. All she could do was stare at her knees until her vision blurred.

And though it was the last thing she wanted, an image rose from her mind. A boy curled beneath the engine, bathed in its soft blue light. His shoulders stiff and back hunched, making him look impossibly small and vulnerable. 

Sam's chest tightened, cutting off her breath. In all her years knowing him, she'd never seen Theo so miserable. He might be shy and kind of spacy, but he never gave up, whether it came to practicing guitar or fighting the Infernal Legion.

But this was completely different. Against her will, his bitter words marched through her head. You can lecture me after your familiar abandons you. 

The worst thing was that he was right. Sam didn't know what he was feeling – and in all honesty, she never wanted to.

She squeezed her eyes shut, but she couldn't block out Ryllis's smoky scent, nor the Levia smoldering inside her soul like embers in a hearth. Such simple things, yet she'd never take them for granted again.

"Ryllis," she found herself saying. "You...you're not gonna leave, are you?"

The instant the words burst out, she cringed. What kind of stupid, selfish question was that? It wasn't fair to either Theo or Ryllis.

But before she could apologize, Ryllis breathed in sharply. "What the hell are you saying? You think I'm anything like him?"

Forcing her eyes open, Sam met Ryllis's glare. The anger burning in her eyes twisted Sam's heart into knots, but something deeper, and sadder, seemed to lie beneath it. Disappointment?

"I already said I'd stay by your side, didn't I?" Though her voice was stern, her Levia blazed hotter. Not enough to hurt; more like it was trying to reassure Sam.

That should have been enough. No, it was enough. Still, Sam couldn't help but ache for more – something so solid and real it could never be broken.

"I know, but...." She swallowed, then gathered her nerves and plunged forward. "When you say that...how do you mean it?"

Her voice trembled in the air, almost drowned out by her violently thudding heartbeat. Sweat stung her skin, cold as ice, but her chest felt unbearably hot – and it wasn't because of Ryllis's Levia.

The anger drained from Ryllis's face, replaced by wide-eyed astonishment. But not for long. Just as Sam reflected that she'd never seen Ryllis so caught off guard, her familiar crossed the room in a single long stride and reached for her.

Too startled to move, Sam could only sit there as Ryllis's hand closed around her shoulder. Her fingers dug in crushingly tight, then she leaned forward until her face filled Sam's vision. This close, her smoky scent made Sam dizzy. Mindlessly, her eyes traced the ridges and bumps of the scar on Ryllis's cheek before landing on her eyes. 

Some dim part of Sam noticed the dark ring surrounding her hazel irises, almost green. Then Ryllis leaned closer than ever and pressed her lips to Sam's. 

A million electric jolts raced down Sam's spine. It wasn't just her heart racing, but her Levia too, pounding so ferociously she felt like it would swallow her alive. But even it couldn't drown out the sensation of Ryllis's firm, hot mouth moving against her own.

She tilted her head, leaning deeper into the kiss. Her hands moved on their own, wrapping around Ryllis's back and digging into the grooves of her armor. Their bodies were pressed flush to each other, burning with the same heat, hearts beating the same rhythm.

When Ryllis's tongue probed between her lips, the taste of smoke flooded Sam's mouth. It felt like a bonfire was roaring in the pit of her stomach, and she never wanted it to go out. 

So she should've protested when Ryllis pulled away, but all words died when Ryllis leaned her forehead against hers. Her eyes were fierce as ever, but her cheeks were almost as red as her armor.

"I...I mean it like this, okay?" she said, her hot breath tingling against Sam's lips. "So don't worry. I'm not going to leave. I never will."

Sam nodded slowly. It took a few tries to push words past the lump in her throat. "I know. Thanks so much, Ryllis."

But even as joy bubbled through her body, it couldn't dislodge the sadness clinging to her bones. She couldn't stop herself from thinking about Theo, all alone in the engine room.

Of course Ryllis noticed. "What's the matter?" she said gruffly, though her blush darkened. "I didn't do it right or what?"

"No, that's not it!" Sam said quickly. "I just – I mean, I'm happy. I really am. But I don't know if I should be, not when Theo's, you know...."

As she trailed off, Ryllis knocked on her shoulder. "Listen, you. Don't overthink things. That's your big problem, you think too much."

"Really?" Sam blinked. "My mom and teachers and everyone, they're always saying I don't think enough, I gotta look before I leap and stuff."

"They must not know you very well," Ryllis said dryly. 

In spite of everything, a grin spread across Sam's face. She leaned closer, resting her chin on Ryllis's shoulder and basking in her familiar's warmth.

Ryllis had a point. Maybe now, it was better not to think.