7. Upside down

Elizabeth

Mom was gone. By the time I came home, she was gone. Our housekeeper Sandra was a beautiful kind-hearted gentle woman in her mid forties. Aunt Rose interviewed a lot of people and has finally appointed her. I love Sandra. Now I've never talked to Sandra on an emotional level, you know those deep conversations that generally happen with people you trust, those. All I know is that she has a son, who's currently in 2nd grade and I know that he loves chocolate. So when I give the list of items I need, I always add extra chocolate and give it to her. I don't say anything, she says thank you and that's about it. Whenever I'm feeling low she makes my favorite dish, Mac and cheese or a white sauce pasta. She stands there while I eat waiting for me to open up but I don't. Instead I thank her and tell her that the dish is great and leave. When mom first met Sandra she didn't talk to her at all, it was clear that she hated her here. She simply ignored her in all the one week she stayed. So when I came to find Sandra looking like her dog died, the first thought I had in my mind was, does Sandra actually have a dog . She didn't say anything and I didn't either, I simply knew, I felt her absence like I always did. So I just nodded my head and sent Sandra home early. She seemed reluctant to go but I gave her my power lines: I'm used to it Sandra, go home.Sandra's fee and every other financial situation in the house is handled. By who? How? I have no idea. I've always had a credit card to buy the stuff I need but I never put it to good use. I mean I'm not really into fashion but I do have a specific sense of style. I was 15 when one of the luxury clothing stores in NYC sent our home their card along with few pieces from Gucci's latest fall collection. I always knew we were .. er, more than self sufficient. But I never knew the scale of it until I looked up T&C after Aunt Rose's first visit, the day my life changed , my goddamn birthday. T&C was a corporate giant. Huge. They're into anything & everything. I was blown away by the scale of it. But since mom and dad were divorced, does she still get money out of it? Money was always a topic of dilemma for me. I didn't how to deal with it or how much I really had in the first place. Another topic of dilemma was Michael Carter.I felt happy that professor Blair hasn't called me personally into his office after I impulsively submitted the stupid assignment. But today was shittier than my usual day and the reason was well , Michael Carter himself. First he shows up with his flushed face chewing on his lip like a toddler, second I realize that my dad has a better relationship with him than me; his own daughter and third he's as wierd as me. I mean , he told me that I was beautiful, I never expected that from him. The minute he said it he looked like someone kicked him in the balls , like he regretted saying it out loud. I'm used to people staring at me, checking me out, calling me all things from beautiful to a bitch. It's not a big deal to me, never was, never will. I have bigger issues at hand. Like communication, establishing meaningful relationships with people in my life aka my mom who's currently gone. I've never even stepped into her room, not once. Is she having a relapse, is that what this is? I should've talked to her sooner. Shit. Shit. Shit. Regret is creeping into my brain. Regrets are bad , no they're the worst. They mess up your head and mine is already messed up. If there's one thing that I've known in my whole 17 yrs of life, it's that the regret you have over something you haven't done is always and always more than the regret you have for having done something. Oh my god why didn't I do that always outweighs oh my god why did I do that. Always. That's what's happening to me currently. Why didn't I talk to her sooner, why didn't gather enough courage to talk, enough kindness to forgive her, enough empathy to understand what she was feeling. The what ifs started catching up soon. What if I've spoken to her , would she have stayed? What if i-

My thoughts were interrupted by the bell. I've never ever heard that bell sound ever before because no one, absolutely no one visits this place.

" It's open!" I yelled.

" Oh my god Liz how many times did I tell you to lock the door!?"

" Firstly nobody ever visits and secondly I'm not used to it"

" Don't give me pathetic excuses young lady , you are locking your door next time, understand"

" Yeah yeah whatever" I roll my eyes

" No tell me you understand right now" Aunt Rose had her hands on her hips and the serious look on her face only made me laugh.

" Of course I understand, I'm gonna lock it next time , okay? "

"That's better " she walked towards the couch and sat right next to me

" Do you want anything, to eat or drink?"

" Don't treat me like a guest honey and I just drank coffee, where's Sandra by the way?"

" I sent her home early"

" And Why's that!?"

" I just needed some time alone, to process things" I let out a sigh

" Hmm, did she tell Sandra anything, before she left or-

" No, no information, she just left"

" Are you okay, how are you feeling?"

" I um, is she relapsing, is that what this is?"

" Liz, honey , you should know some things" oh no. Not liking where this is going.

" Honey your mother never went to rehab"

" What? How is that even possible, everyone said, you said-

" She just left this place, this place , that's her biggest trigger, she just left this place"

" But I would've gone along with her, I would've, we would've relocated, done something-"

" It's not your choice honey , and it's definitely not your fault"

" When did you talk to her? How do you know all these things, how long have you known?" I wanted to know. For the first time, Aunt Rose looked guilty.

" I never wanted to keep this from you-

"How long?"

" After the first month" after the first month, Jesus. So much for wanting the truth.I suddenly remember Oscar Wilde's quote " The truth is never pure and rarely simple". Figures.I raised my head toward the ceiling and closed my eyes. Deep breaths

" Look, she thought some time away would help her but looks like it didn't."

I didn't say anything because I don't feel anything.

" She called from a local number and we talked, she didn't want you to know and it was never my place to say"

I get where she's coming from.

" Listen there are certain things I want you to know, so pay attention okay"

I just nodded in response

" I know you have a lot of questions regarding everything in your life and I want you to know that I'm gonna be there to help you with anything and everything, anytime okay."

I just nodded so she kept going.

" Nobody knew she was absent in your life honey, nobody, not me, not your dad"

The mention of my father piqued my interest so I turned to look at her.

" Your father always kept in touch with us, after Robert died."

"Why are telling me about my father now, did Michael tell you all this"

" What Michael? Did he say anything about your dad?" Aunt Rose looked shocked. So Michael did keep his mouth shut. That's good. This is how it's gonna be then. Everything that happens between me and him is gonna stay between me and him. Wow. I like the guy now.

" No, I don't know what I'm talking about, please continue"

" Last year, at the hospital, that's when your dad knew about any of this. That's when I knew about any of this"

" Is he handling my finances?"

" No! What do you know about your finances?"

"Um, nothing-" Aunt Rose looked surprised and disappointed with my revelation. Surprised that I didn't know anything and disappointed in my mother I guess.

" Okay let's start with this, the apartment complex you are living in, you own it" Explains why we live in the penthouse.Ohh dear lord how did I not know this.

" When you mean you-

" It's your mother's, some of the property is in your name, some in hers, mostly it's in your name."

She let out a sigh before she continued

" You own almost all the luxury clothing stores&,boutiques here in NYC and major stocks in many many million dollar companies"

" Like what!?"

" Apple? T&C?"

" What's the deal with T&C? Now that they're divorced-

" Honey, your mother is a very successful business woman. Money will come knocking on your doors even without any work on her part"

" Were mom's parents rich?"

" They were, your mom is from Nashville, your grand parents used to live there"

" Where are they now,?"

" They died honey" her voice was barely a whisper now.

" Both of them?"

" Both of them"

" How? Why?"

" Your grandparents owned most of Nashville, they had their own brewery and distillery. Your grandfather was an alcoholic, he um, used to be abuse your grandmother a lot."

The thing about addiction, it runs in families. The first sentences of the article I read on the internet flashed in my mind.

"My mom was a victim of abuse?"

" No, it was your grandmother , he never did anything to your mom"

I think I'm just stunned to hear all this

" Your mother always wanted to protect your grandma, she wanted to get a degree, earn enough and take her away. But-

"But what happened"

" Your grandmother died when we were in our final year of college. It was a heart attack. Your grandparents had your mother late in their life. And shortly afterward your grandfather also passed away. Your mother, she was always unhappy as a child, we were neighbors back in Nashville, I've never once seen her smiling. The only time I've seen her smile was when she was with your dad. That was when she was the happiest. After their divorce things changed, she changed. She never wanted any of this to happen to you Liz, she wanted to keep you away from her demons, she didn't want to uproot you, she wanted you to have a good life , a happy life"

I didn't know what to say, looks like history was repeating itself because look at me, I was exactly how mom was. Unhappy.

" Was my father a good man Aunt Rose?"

" He was,he still is, marriage is not always hearts and roses honey, it's work. It requires love , trust and most importantly time. After Robert died, Tony was handling the company on his own. Everything they built from scratch, from their blood sweat and tears, their empire, it was on the verge of collapse at that time. Your father didn't handle it well. He didn't give your mother the time that she needed , can't blame him but he shouldn't have cheated on her. It was a mistake. Your father, he was your mother's entire world. The only person she loved besides her mother. She couldn't take it. It devastated her. I'm not defending any of them Elizabeth, I'm just telling you the truth, which I should've , long ago"

" It's okay Aunt Rose, it's okay, I probably wouldn't have handled it earlier"

" Well how are you handling it now? How does all of this make you feel"

" The truth is, I don't feel anything,I dont know when it started but off late I don't.. I don't really feel much, it's either rage or I'm numb. I , I don't know if that's good thing"

" Oh Liz, it's the emotions that make us human, don't lose them, hold onto them"

" How did you cope up ? With Uncle Roberts death?" I've always wanted to ask her this.

" It was very tough in the beginning especially staying in the same city and the same place we call home. I have memories of him all over NYC right from when we met in college. So we relocated to Washington to live with my parents. It was tough for Michael but needed the change, he just didn't understand why at that time but he trusted me. Robert was an orphan so growing up there were a lot of foster parents. So he always wanted Michael to have the stability that he didn't have growing up. To call a place home and to actually stay in it. He wasn't close with his grandparents but I was very attached to my mom and dad. So to answer your question, I fell in love , that's how i coped"

" With,?"

" With life Elizabeth, with life. We don't realize it but life is very short Elizabeth. Very short. Death is what gives life meaning,to know our days are numbered. We have to be grateful for everything we are experiencing because not everyone is blessed the way we are. Think about it, there are hundreds and thousands of people all over the world going through poverty, misery, debilitating illnesses, lack of opportunity, abuse and they are still moving forward, moving on , with a strong face and a brave heart. God blessed you with many things Liz, money, opportunity, beauty, surely you do know that."

That made me laugh.

" Do you believe in God Elizabeth?"

" I don't know, I've never thought much about it. Do you? "

" I never did until the day Michael was born. My parents were very religious but somehow I never trusted or believed in God growing up. Robert and I , we were trying for a baby even before we were married. We wanted to create something of our own, something that was a proof our love , a child. But I didn't conceive for a long time. I was so disappointed. One day on my way to the college I crossed our city Church. I heard the church bell and a bus passed right past me. It had the words hold on, written at the back. It was as if God was giving me a sign. Seems ridiculous I know but I believed in it.So after that we stopped trying. We got married later on in life. One year after my marriage I was once again passing through the same street , I heard the sound of the church bell and another bus went right past me. It said Its time. Will you believe me when I say that was the day we knew we had Michael."

" No shit. Wow"

" Haha, I know. It's the faith that matters Liz, have faith, in something,anything. Only faith and gratitude have the power to transform us.They will ground you, empower you , liberate you. You need them in your life."

" I'll definitely think about this."

" They say Joy is the second thing that brings you closer to God"

" What's the first?"

" It's love my dear, have you ever been in love?"

" No, never."

" Have you liked someone before?"

Great now we are venturing into boy talk

" Um no,"

" Oh my god you've never kissed a boy in your entire life?"

" God no, what? No , I've done everything with boys"

" What do you mean done everything?" She was looking at with... fury?

" Never mind , can we just leave this-

" Elizabeth Mary Taylor, tell me everything, right now" oh now she's definitely furious.

" Geez , god, this is awkward. I've kissed a few guys, made out with two, did other things with one and had sex with one."

Aunt Rose was silent for a complete minute. 60 seconds , I counted, it was the most awkward 60 seconds of my entire life.

" Did you use protection? And what do you mean by other things?"

" Yes we did, we even checked my cycle and by other things I mean.. a hand job?" Oh god kill me right now.

" Oh my god , Elizabeth, I can't believe this! where was this at ? at the back of an alley?"

" Oh my god, how did you know that!"

" Seriously Elizabeth, tell me about other things, booze , drugs, -

" God no, no drugs, I hate drugs, "

" What about booze, "

" I drank once, before I had sex for the first and only time"

" That's it! We're gonna get a doctor's appointment." She started looking for her phone in her purse.

" What ! Wait? Now, no, what's that for?"

" And you're gonna stay with me for now on."

" Hold on wait! What!? No, Aunt Rose , calm down. "

" You need supervision Elizabeth, you're not an adult, not yet!"

" I know. Besides I've managing pretty well until now"

" I can see that"

" Okay will you listen to me. " She looked at me and I went on

"everything started to spiral down after I found out about mom. Okay. Before that everything was fine. And what do you mean by staying with you. I'm not gonna move into your place especially when you have a teenage son who happens to be my classmate."

" That's the last thing I care about. You know that."

" Ughh come-on, this is my space , this is where I feel most comfortable, something I call home even with an absent mother. I love this place." I did love this place.She stopped talking so I continued.

" I promise not to be reckless okay! After knowing all this... I don't want to end up like my mom okayy. I just never understood why I was alive,"

Aunt rose gasped at my last sentence.

" Honey, are you - since when , why didn't you-

" Relax , I don't think I'm depressed but I do get bouts of depression from time to time. I didn't know what I was doing but I'm gonna figure it out okay"

" Liz, honey, you know you will always have me right, God I wish I can do more, -

" Please, the little semblance of normalcy I have in my life is because you. I know it's gonna be okay because I know you are here" Aunt Rose was holding back tears. So I took her hand in mine and gave it a gentle squeeze.

She pulled me tight in a hug and held me for a long time. Yeah, everything's gonna be just alright with her by my side.