11. Holding onto the hate

ELIZABETH

Needless to say, I didn't sleep well that night. Sleep was never an issue for me. No matter how worst the day was I usually slept well. I love my bed. I would get into my bed think about all the things that were wrong, that weren't wrong and slowly drift into sleep as the thoughts engulfed me. I hate alarms but when you don't have anyone to wake you up , there's no other way. Well, not for me. I've mastered the art of self control so much that I actually do wake up at the time I want with out an alarm. Yeah I know I'm crazy talented. No but it's true, I've always been comfortable with my mind, my headspace, I lived in my head because I wanted to. I would make up stories, think about various possibilities because that was the only way I could cope up with the loneliness. So I give my mind instructions, things I want it to do. For example, I would tell my mind to wake me up exactly after an hour and I would open my eyes exactly after an hour! I've been doing this ever since I remember thinking , don't believe me , try it out yourself or Google it. If I tell my mind to shut up, it would, my head would be eerily calm. If I tell my mind to keep me company it would, I would remember the various stories I've read as a child, books I've read when i was bored at home or make up my own little stories. I think about art more often than I like too.Mostly I think about how different things would be if I didn't look like this, if I had a family, if I didn't have any of the money I had, the what-ifs mostly. I never think about my future, never ever. I promised myself not to do that after my 16th birthday. Ever since I was a child I would think about the future, thinking and hope that things would get better eventually, with time. But nope that didn't happen to me so I'm just gonna accept that my life's like this , atleast I'm getting there. But today I haven't thought about anything except Michael. Michael, Michael , more Michael. I thought about how beautiful his golden brown hair is, how dark his eyes are and how pale his skin is. I thought about how tall and lean he is and how it would feel to wrap my arms around his torso.Michael smelled wonderful, all the time.I wonder what perfume he uses. His voice, that held so much promise, see you El, I had the urge to kiss him on his cheek, wrap my arms around his neck and whisper see you, Michael in his ear. I wanted to get engulfed in his warmth, drink in his scent and lose myself in him. See you , El , my mind played those words over and over again and slowly I drifted into sleep. I woke up at 8 in the morning like every other day. What do I do now? I've told myself that I was gonna stay away from anything that would jeopardize my relationship with Aunt Rose. Right. So I'm gonna keep my eyes and hands to myself, my mouth shut and focus on the task ahead. Michael is gonna tutor me, find out that I'm utterly useless at math and hopefully we'll steer clear of anything uncomfortable, like biology for instance. Because the only biology I'm interested in is his. Nope. Not going there again. Math , we'll focus on math. After giving my mind strict instructions: keep your eyes and hands to yourself, do not speak unless it's necessary I headed to the brownstone.

I was there at 9 O' clock sharp. Michael opened the door. Focus on the task, focus on the task.

" Hey El, come in" I was combusting, my plan was getting back fired because I missed two very important things. First of all, Michael was wearing glasses, those full framed black glasses and he looked even more handsome than he was , why god why! And second of all, I forgot how good it felt when he called me El. He was wearing a black T shirt and grey sweatpants he wore yesterday.

" Where's Aunt Rose?"

" She's taking a shower, she's going to visit someone later.Come-on make yourself comfortable, did you have breakfast?"

Oh no! We're going to be alone!??the two of us? Whyyyy!??? Come-on Elizabeth, you can do better. Focus.

" Um, no I didn't eat anything , breakfast would be nice" I quietly mumbled.

" What do you want to eat? Omelette? Sandwich?"

" An omelette would be nice " I was well aware of the fact that Michael was speaking very comfortably with me and I was speaking like a robot. You know how robots speak, those automated responses, flat monotone voices with a stiff posture , since it is a machine, yeah that's exactly how I was behaving.

" Are you gonna make the omelette yourself?"

" Who else is here to make?" He replied taking the eggs and other ingredients.

No, he was not going to make me breakfast.

" Um, it's okay, I can make it myself"

That made him smile, like really smile.

" Do you know how to cook?"

He thinks I can't cook? What the fuck! Of course I can't cook but that doesn't mean he's gonna think that. Right, so this how it's gonna be . I'm gonna hold on to things I hate about him since he's literally a personification of perfection.

He thinks I can't cook. Hold on to it.

" What makes you think I can't cook" I asked a bit agitated.

" You can?" I didn't miss the surprise in his voice, he was battering the eggs at the moment.

" No I can't" I said flatly

" Thought so" he said smiling at me and then he proceeded to make the fluffiest omelette I've had in a while. Now Sandra was a professional chef. So she would obviously cook well. Michael on the other hand is only 17 yrs old. He can't cook like this, he shouldn't cook like this , the hell he shouldn't look like this and why the fuck was he wearing glasses!!!. Hold on to the hate, he thinks you can't cook, that you are incompetent, that you are useless.

" Orange juice?" He was treating me like a princess. No he's treating you like a kid you little shit, he thinks you can't do anything yourself. Hold on to the hate.

" Yes please, the omelette is delicious thank you" I managed to say admist my internal debate.

" Michael makes the best omelettes" Aunt Rose said from behind. She was wearing a floral print shirt and jeans. She looked lovely.

" Under expert training" Michael winked at his mom. Ughhh! Kill me right now

" Honey, I'm gonna be back for lunch, I have some errands to run, will you be okay" I love how considerate she is. She's the best

" Of course I'll be okay, go ahead"

"Okay " she said and kissed my cheek.

" Michael , clean the kitchen, do the dishes and close the door" she ordered and Michael just nodded. With that Aunt Rose left leaving the two of us. Michael bolted the door and took my plate and glass. This is too much.

" There's no maid? You know house help?".

" Mom hates house help, so I am house help" Michael laughed. Oh

"I'll help you" I said and walked further into the kitchen.

" Have you ever done dishes , El" what did he say? I only got the El.

" Haha , I thought so" I just stood there staring at him. What the fuck.

" Um, I never had to, that's all"

" Yeah I understand, mom always made do my things myself.

"Hand me some gloves" I said and we did the dishes together, placed them in the dishwasher & cleaned the kitchen without even speaking a word to each other. Is this what couples do? Do house chores together?

" So what shall we start with?" Taking our clothes off I thought to myself.

" The basics" I whispered. No closed spaces. No closed spaces. So I made it a point to sit in the living room with my things placed infront of me. Michael got the hint and ran upstairs to get to his things. My heart was beating wildly. How long should I endure this? This is torture!

Michael returned with all his things and started going through his notes. My notes was brand new while he had 3 full written notes. Great, here goes nothing. So he really did start at the basics and explained various concepts but I absolutely could not focus on any one of them . The only things I focused on were his eyes and lips. How they are moving, how his eyes moved back and forth. Sometimes he used his hands , those big hands with slender fingers. Sometimes he would run his hand through his hair and it would get messy, he would scratch his jaw, that's currently covered in stubble. And the worst thing was he wore his glasses and he would adjust them from time to time. I don't know what happened but he suddenly stopped.Is my mouth hanging open? Why did he stop? He just stopped abruptly and looked at me. Tick tick tick, we were staring at each other.

" What's wrong" my voice barely came in a whisper. Why is my body betraying me!?

" What are doing" he asked calmly. What is he talking about?

" What do you mean?" I said flatly.

" Are you even paying attention?"

" Of course I am" I lied

" What did I just say" he asked running his hand on his jaw. Um, I don't know so I didn't say anything.

" That's what Im talking about" he said running his hand through his hair.

" Do you even want to do this?" he asked with exasperation. That's it! I got my hate point. He's patronizing me! I'm gonna hold on to it with my arms and legs tight.

" Right the last thing I want is someone belittling me" I said furiously and started gathering my things. I'm gonna leave, my mind's short circuited right now and I didn't anticipate him cross questioning me.I thought I would just nod and fake something and get the hell out of here. But no, I can't make a fool out of myself any longer. Was I drooling? was it that evident? Ughh , the walk of shame.

" What!! Are you leaving? I didn't mean it like that okay, " he said springing onto his feet.

" Yes, I'm leaving, I don't know why I was here in the first place" I stated sternly.

KNOW ELIZABETH & MICHAEL BETTER WITH THIS Q&A

MICHAEL

1.WHAT'SYOUR FAVORITE COLOUR? (Remains silent for a beat) Green.

2. IF YOU WERE IN HOGWARTS IN WHICH HOUSE WOULD YOU BE?

Definitely Hufflepuff.

3. YOUR FAVORITE FOOD OF ALL TIME

Mac and cheese ( looks guilty)

4. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICED ABOUT ELIZABETH?

Her eyes ( answers instantly)

5.EARLIER YOU SAID THAT YOUR FAVORITE IS GREEN, IS IT BECAUSE OF HER?

(Gets defensive) You know what I'm done with this (says with exasperation) and walks away.

ELIZABETH

1.WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?

Um, I mostly like monotones. Black, blue, white... (gets lost in thought)

2. YOUR FAVORITE PASS TIME IS?

I love doing nothing.

3. ONE PLACE YOU WANT TO VISIT?

France, Paris.

4. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICED ABOUT MICHAEL?

Um. ( Says nothing for the longest time) . I think his eyes and lips.

5. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN A GUY?

Definitely his height and then his hair.

6. YOUR ALL TIME FAVORITE CELEBRITY

Leonardo di caprio. ( Turns red and smiles)

7. IN THE FIRST QUESTION WHEN YOU SAID WHITE YOU SEEMED TO THINK ABOUT SOMETHING. CARE TO SHARE?

No. (States firmly) and walks away.