13. Head over heels

MICHAEL

From the minute I met Elizabeth, I felt there was so much more to her than one sees and she lets on and yesterday proved it. It was no surprise that nobody actually knew who she was a person, inside considering how much of a loner she is, more so than me!. I genuinely did not expect her to talk about it but I hoped that she would and I'm so happy that she did. I can only imagine what she must've been through all these years. Things like that, they change people permanently, for better or worse. I only hope that it changed her for the better. But even with everything going on in her life , she is always so kind to people. I've never seen her be judgemental or rude to anyone except for Sebastian Monroe of course, the asshole deserved it. It only proves that beneath the facade there is a sweet kind soul and I'm so happy that I can now call her my friend. After our conversation we did go back to studying math and this time we did actually study. She was a very quick learner but she hated math with a passion. She repeatedly pointed out that she would never use all the math she was learning in her everyday life ever. Yeah, that's true. So she only studied to pass, nothing more nothing less. Fair enough. Mom did come home much later and she was beat. So we ordered some food and Elizabeth left in the evening. We scheduled to study biology on Sunday and we did get some work done. Studying with El was not as tough as it started out to be. Infact it was a lot of fun. She has a very dry, borderline dark sense of humor and I loved it. It was surprising how similar we were as people from our sense of humor to our personality despite the obvious trivial differences. Maybe that was why we were so comfortable in each other's company. I absolutely loved it. But I didn't miss my heart taking a double take everytime she smiled at me or sat close. My heart raced everytime she touched me.Those feelings were there and they were getting stronger and stronger. It was about time they took control over me. Don't get ahead of yourself Michael, don't ruin this, I kept telling myself. It was the beginning of a new friendship, one that I cherished, one that was very close to my heart. That was what Elizabeth needed, a good friend and that was what I'm gonna be. I did assure her that our conversations will be strictly between us because hey! Who else have I got here? She seemed surprised by the fact David and I were gym partners.

" David and I go to the gym together"

" Seriously?"

"Yeah, why so surprised"

" I don't know, I just never expected it that's all"

David sure is a good friend but with Elizabeth it's different. I will not say that she's my buddy, we are not there yet but I know that she's a real friend to me. In only two meetings she gave me the confidence and trust that I can speak anything to her about anything and everything. I know for a fact that she will not only understand what I'm trying to say but also will never judge me either. It's a blessing to have people like that around you.I was afraid how things were going to be on Monday, when school started, when it was not just the two of us anymore. But Elizabeth did not disappoint me. The first thing she did when she came to English class in the morning was smile at me. That beautiful smile, showing all of her perfectly arranged pearly whites, the one that makes my heart flutter, the one that lights up my entire being,that one. Her smile only made me smile more. She sat in her usual seat and I sat in mine and pretended everything was normal when it was clearly not. My heart was beating wildly in my chest as if I ran a marathon and it was all because of her smile directed me. It made me happy, feel special. Over the coming weeks we became great friends, we talked in between breaks, I got a look at her locker and she looked at mine and not so surprisingly both were bare unlike everyone else's. At lunch I alternated sitting between El's table and the triple S. David's on his own now and he didn't seem to mind. Sometimes he would sit at El's like he usually does. Elizabeth laughed a lot at my jokes or more so, my face. She found my face very funny and for some reason it only made me happy, anything for her to smile like that. Belly seemed to be as shocked as I was looking at Elizabeth laugh as if she never witnessed her laughing. I didn't know how I felt about that. The head cheerleader did try to talk to me and make plans with me but I turned her down. I don't know how news spreads so fast in high school but everyone got to know about it including El.

" I'm proud of you Michael, good decision" she said, patting my arm o her way to her art class . Even my mom never said that to me even though I know that she is proud of me. It made me warm with so much emotion I don't even know how to describe it.I got her number eventually and got my hands on her phone too. She handed it to me willingly. There was no lock and it had a total of 6 contacts: Me and my mom , belly, David, Sandra her house keeper and Trenton her driver. That was it. Not even her mother. Damn, that was a punch in my gut.She listened to a lot of different types of music, everything from Frank Sinatra to Taylor swift. The only insight you can get into her was through her playlist. She told me she listened to melancholy at night, hard rock during day, french music when she was feeling a little low and Lady Gaga in the shower. I went to her apartment to tutor her on Saturday and Sunday of the following week and that's when how lonely she really was hit me. Once again I could only imagine all that she has possibly gone through, I can't imagine not having my mom around. She missed out on her entire childhood, she missed feeling like a child, she missed feeling protected, nurtured, taken care of , most of all she missed being loved. Even though she didn't say these things out loud, I felt it, I felt it the minute I stepped into her space.The thing that surprised me the most was how at home she felt when she's at her apartment despite being alone all the time.

" Why?" I asked

" These walls, they heard me cry, heard me laugh, heard me talk to myself, were there with me everytime she walked out on me. Because they were the only constant thing I had in my entire life." Those words made my heart ache for her.After their parents divorced, she told me that she and her mom travelled a lot before coming back to NYC. So I understood why it was home to her. To me home was where mom was. But Elizabeth did not have a person to rely on her entire life. It made me mad, it must've been exhausting. My dad died, he did not have a choice, hid life was taken away. But Elizabeth's dad walked out on her, he had a choice, he didn't try to keep in touch with her, like he did with us. Who were we? We were the family of his late friend but El was his daughter, his flesh and blood. How one can be so heartless I have no idea. All of this made me want to protect her, shield her from the bullshit of her reality. If I had the power, I would take her away in a heartbeat, to a place where there was nothing but love and warmth and everything else that she missed, everything else she deserved.With each passing day Elizabeth opened up to me more and more. The more she opened the more I wanted. I was greedy.I wanted to know all about her not just bits and pieces. People only know what we choose to show them. Most of what we see is a sham, a facade, a well written play.People rarely show their true side, their flaws, vulnerabilities, the real things that make us who we are.That's why most of the people only have either black or white to them. Then there's people who live in the grey area. But Elizabeth, Elizabeth is a splash of pure vivid colors. As chaotic her world was it was beautiful too, she just did not choose to show it anybody. What a shame. I wish she could see what I was seeing in her, an amalgamation of colors, a complete fucking rainbow. Elizabeth loved pets, she actually smiled and waved to them whenever we were on the sidewalk.That was bright yellow.

" Animals have the purity humans lack" she said everytime she passed one.

She loved lounging in her balcony in the evenings watching the sun set. That was bright blue. And even with all the insecurities she tells she has, she is actually a pretty strong and confident individual. Come-on she has been through years and years of loneliness and turned out to be a beautiful human being, that says how strong she is. On top that she knows what she can and cannot do and carries herself with so much grace, I only wonder how she will be as a woman, when she's like this as a girl. That's bright purple. Lesser known fact, Elizabeth writes amazingly. That made me confirm my suspicion, El never submitted her best work both in English and art. There were so many canvases with abstracts back at her place it blew my mind.

" Why didn't you never submit these El?" I asked her the first time I saw her abstracts

" I didn't want to put myself out there" I knew there was more story to it but she'll tell me when she is ready.

That was bright orange.

Take me back to that time

When the world was discovering itself

When there was so much to discover about urself

Back when there were no smartphones or dating sites

When people fell in love with actual people not an idea

When music was good and lyrics were so much better

When forever and fairy tales were real without divorce or breakup looming over them

When distance made love stronger

When growing old made u wiser

Take me back so that i can experience all of that

for i belong to that period

when the world outside was better than the world I've created in my head.

I found this in her room, it must have been something she has written casually because it was just lying on her table. It made feel so much , I got momentarily stuck after reading it.If she was writing this at 17 , I can once again only imagine what she must've been through to write stuff this deep.

The one thing Elizabeth enjoys doing the most is nothing. She just lies there, on a sofa, on her bed and just stares or closes her eyes and just vegetates. I would go crazy if I didn't have anything to do. Only one person who was completely comfortable with themselves can be so ease. That was a deep brown. But the color I've rarely seen in her was red. The color of passion,love. She did not love many people or things for that matter. " You only give what you get" she once said. Is that why she loves so little because she gets so little of that emotion. I wanted to see more of that , I wanted it to be mine, just like her smile. I did not like that at all.I wanted to paint her colors with mine, blend them in, become one. Everyday I became more and more consumed by her. Her voice, her face, her touch, her smile, the sound of her laugh, her smell everything consumed me. I could smell her on the side of my shirt when she walked beside me and it drove me crazy. My heart raced everytime she touched me. It was as if I was drowning, deep and I never wanted to resurface. She was the last thought I had before going to sleep and the first thought I had after waking up. Everyday I went to school excited just so that I could see her, talk to her. And she smiled at me and me only. Her smiles were mine. That made me feel like was the king of the world.One day when David and El were discussing something belly randomly said

" I don't hate you anymore"

" And why is that" I asked intrigued

" You know exactly why" she said and went back to eating.I thought it had something to do with El but I didn't push it further.

David on the other hand, I never really figured out if he had feelings for El or not. He seemed to acknowledge the fact that she and I became good friends in a very short time but to my surprise things remained the same between us. We still hit the gym 5 days a week together, talked about college and other things. Things were fine. So I guess David only likes her as a friend. Great ! Sometimes I would pay El a visit before I went home after the gym as the gym we go to is pretty close to her apartment. Yeah we got to that 'I'm okay with you being sweaty' point. Most of the times she visited us at the brownstone. She loved my mom, I think more than she loves her own. That's when her red was the brightest. When she was with my mom. I never thought I would envy my own mother but when it came to El, I did, a teeny tiny bit. Mom always said that she wanted to have a daughter and she always treated El like one. When I think about home the first image that popped into my head was El and mom curling up in the sofa near the fireplace, talking about life. They talked a lot about life. It was more of mom talking and El listening. That was the best thing about El, she listens to you. She doesn't listen to respond, she only listens to understand and she never filled silences with unnecessary small talks. Even her silence was beautiful just like everything else about her. Oh gosh, Lord help me because I'm head over heels in love with her and I don't want to fight it anymore.