14. Feelings

ELIZABETH

Life has been different with Michael Joshua Carter , Yes, Joshua is his middle name which he hates for some reason. So of course I constantly tease him about it. I loveeee teasing Michael sooo freaking much. I love how he turns red whenever I tease him and pouts like a 3 yr old. Whenever he does that I want to pinch his cheeks and ruffle his hair but I'm afraid he'll push me down the stairs if I do that. Not that he will but still. Ever since we started tutoring we became... close. Too close in fact. We talk a lot about anything and everything. Michael always asks so many questions, as if he wants to know everything about me which makes me.. feel. It's been a while since I've felt anything.Michael has a way with words, sometimes people offend or hurt you even without meaning to or realizing it.It's basically how they talk and since I'm 'sensitive' about a lot of issues, I don't talk. Problem solved right! So I've never had a problem with that. If there's anything I enjoy the most besides doing nothing, it's silence. But everything is different with Michael. He has a way of wanting to know things about me and I love it. I never thought I would enjoy talking this much ever.I want to talk to him about everything - How I started my day , how it went by, my opinions, feelings, thoughts and everything else basically and he really really listens to everything. He remembers little things that often go unnoticed in conversations and somehow he always says the right thing whenever I tell him anything. The things I wanted to hear at that moment. I understood how he manages to do that. Guess everything is different with the right person. That's how it feels with him, right, everything feels so right. I never thought I was capable of falling in love. You give what you get and I got so little of love that I never thought I would be able to give it back, to anything or anyone. That's why even when I love pets I never got one, because I was afraid that I might not be able to give the love it needs and deserves. All these years I've cocooned myself effectively from opening up to anyone because I was afraid that once they get to know me, they'll just leave me, like my mom. I haven't realized that until Michael pointed it out, very very subtly. That's the thing about him, he makes me think about important things, real things like my feelings, my insecurities, and why I have them in the first place. He made me realize a lot of things about ME. But he's never pushed to the point where I was uncomfortable.There are a few touchy subjects I've never talked to Michael about like my mom, my fear of becoming like her and my incapacity to love anyone with all of my heart because I've always felt that I didn't have one in the first place. I've always felt I was all head and no heart because you give what you get right? The vice versa on the other hand: you get what you give does not apply to me at all because there are no significant people in my life to actually give anything. Case closed. But lately I've changed so much I feel it in my bones. Michael and I almost established a routine that involves lot of each other's company and Aunt Rose's as well. They fill me with so much love that for the first time in my life, I actually thought I was capable of feeling. Feelings , that's what Michael evoked in me. Before he came, I felt so numb, almost lifeless, like I was lacking spirit, lacking soul. But the boy managed to bring out feelings I always thought I was incapable of. The first one was trust; Michael earned my trust. All the conversations we had stayed strictly between us and I knew it for a fact because I was the only person he actually hanged out with. He and David were gym partners ( to my surprise- another feeling; something I rarely felt) but they were not very close, it was ... casual and besides David is a really good friend of mine too. The only person he talked to was belly. Yes , belly! Haha their banter is so cute I love it. Even belly doesn't hate him anymore. Even if he did talk to other people I wouldn't be afraid of him spilling my beans or something like that because I just know it in my heart that he would never do that to me. The next one was friendship; Michael is my best friend. I practically spend most of my day with him and I can't get enough of it. He study together, hang out together, go to grocery shopping together and all the mundane things seems so, not so mundane when I do them with him. Michael is one of those rare few people whom you can share a comfortable silence with. You cannot do that with everyone. Usually silences are very awkward and uncomfortable so people fill with words that hold meaning whatsoever making conversations less appealing. Conversations with Michael are the best though. He has the capacity to have a deep talk and switch it to a light one in a jiffy. Sometimes he let's it sit, marinate and sink in but when it gets too much, he changes the mood in seconds. He has that super power. Speaking of super powers another one he has is perception. He's so incredibly perceptive of the slightest of the moods and he always responds, never reacts. I have no idea how he has that emotional intelligence and maturity at 17. Aunt Rose definitely rubbed off on him, the right way. On days when I'm being moody for no reason, he takes me out for a ride in his car(er, since I can't drive, properly). He just either drives in circles, puts some of my favorite music or we go to a cafe and have a coffee or something sweet and just like that I will be okay. He doesn't fill the silence with questions or anything. He just stays there, with me. It's his way of saying, I'm here, right beside you, you are not alone anymore. One of the first things we did as friends was share our playlists and we had so much in common. So we know each other's favorites by now. One thing that did surprise me was how he didn't know Jeff Buckley. It was the first day he came to my place. He was looking at everything , going through my drawers and cupboards like a 3 yr old , constantly asking me "What's this? What's that" . Unlike him, I never had many pictures of myself growing up.It always made me feel sad. There was only one picture of the three of us as a family and I was one yr old in that. It was just a reflection of all the things I missed out on growing up. The minute he entered my apartment, something changed in him, I didn't know what that was and I didn't dare ask him but I saw it in his face, like he was hit with something. Sometimes I wish I can read his mind . So back to Jeff Buckley. Mom had a vintage vinyl record player and I played Jeff Buckley's album Grace.

" Who's that" he asked right when Hallelujah started.

" Oh my god, you don't know Jeff Buckley"

" No, "

" Surely Aunt Rose should've listened to it, Come-on!"

" I think I have heard this before somewhere but I don't know where it was from"

" This is my favorite song of all time, " I whispered

" What's it called?"

" Hallelujah" the song carried so much emotion with it. It made me feel broken, loved and healed all at the same time.

" It's a beautiful song" he said the song finished. A few days later on our way to Central Park, it was playing in his stereo.

" It grew on me" he said. You are growing on me, I wanted to say but couldn't. So sadness came next. The fact that it would never work out between us. He would be going to Harvard and I would be staying here and keeping that aside, it wasn't really the right time for either of us to be committed to each other. We are still in high school for God's sake! We were still growing and figuring things out and none of us are the people who will get into something without giving our best. That was who were as people, it's either all or none. We either should have all of each other or none of each other, we were on the same page about that. We never talked anything about it but I knew how he felt. One day we were walking towards our car after grocery shopping and I ruffled his hair playfully at something he said and he stopped and turned to look at me. I'll never forget the look on his face, he looked as if he wanted to kiss me right there but couldn't, I felt it, I saw it in his face. He then shaked his head and continued talking and walking. I never ruffled his hair after that. Then anger and envy started to seep in. Anger at all the other females in school who were hitting on him, touching his arm in a casual but not so casual way. Ughh give me a break! Michael and I, we never touched each other unless it was needed. That made his touch even more I don't know special!? The first time he touched me was on his first day of school . He grabbed my hand to stop me from going away and left it the moment he realized what he did. The second time he touched was the week after our first tutoring session. We were walking towards our math class and Sebastian was walking towards his which was on the other side.So Michael carefully placed his hand on my waist dragged me to the side along the wall and kept walking. He didn't want Sebastian to walk past me, he didn't even want Sebastian anywhere near me period. I didn't miss the glares he gave him when ever he was in our vicinity. The next time he touched me was when were walking on the sidewalk one day. He suddenly placed his hand on my shoulder for a few seconds and dropped it. It was so fast and so random for a second I thought I imagined it. But then he looked down and smiled at me and I knew in that moment that he wanted to touch me as much as I wanted to. My heart thumped wildly whenever he touched me. A sudden surge of heat rushed through my body and in that instant I wanted nothing more than his touch. However small or insignificant it might me, I just wanted him to touch me, just for a bit. But we couldn't , there was too much on the line. But desire has a way of secretly going inside you doesn't it. That was the next feeling, desire. I never desired someone per se. Yes there were celebrity crushes while I was growing up but I never desired actual people. Michael is the most desirable person I've ever met in my entire life. Everything about him was desirable. The way he ran his hand through his hair, I wanted to replace his fingers with mine. I wanted to feel the soft golden brown hair with my fingers. It wanted to run my hands over his and hug him..feel the warmth of his body against mine. Whenever we walked I wanted to intertwine my fingers with his. And on the days he visited me after his gym session, I combusted. He had a very well sculpted body. Those biceps and forearms... It was hard to keep my hands to myself. The best/worst part- One day he was reaching for a container that was high up in the cupboard and his t shirt rode up. I could see the deep V of his abdomen and the happy trail that disappeared in his underwear. I drooled like a dog at that sight. It could never happen, I thought to myself. That made me envy all the other girls who could have him, especially Rachel. Rachel started making her moves on him from day one but Michael never paid her any attention, she never existed to him. That made me feel very very proud of him. Thank god, he knew better.Every minute I didn't spend with Michael , I spent with Aunt Rose. I was hanging out more at their place than my own. We would curl up on the couch near the fireplace and talk about life. I had 16 years of talking to do with her. I would talk to her whenever I missed my mom. She was the only person I ever talked to about my mom. She always said things I needed to hear, " Its not your fault honey, it's not your fault"

" You deserve all the love in the world"

" You're the most beautiful girl I've ever met in my entire life"

" I've always wanted a doctor and now I have one"

Those were very simple and dare I say basic things but no one ever told them to me while I was growing up. I never realized how much I needed to hear them until I realized that every single sentence made me cry, every time, no matter how many times she said those.That was when I knew I was no longer feeling numb, I was feeling everything. And just like that, I had an epiphany. I was in love with Michael. I never experienced a feeling so pure and deep and real before. I don't know how it happened or when it happened. All that I know is, one day a voice in my heart whispered 'You are in love with him' and I couldn't argue with that. My heart swelled with warmth whenever I was with him. The best sound in the entire world was his laughter to me. I loved it when he laughed. I loved how he would throw his head back and let out a carefree laugh. I loved how a small dimple formed in his left cheek whenever he smiled. I loved how it made me want to poke his cheek everytime. I loved it more when I made him laugh or when he smiled at ME. I loved how he looked at me, like I was the only person in the room. I loved how he looked at me with the same emotion I looked at him with.I loved how I wanted my day to begin and end with him. I loved the fact that for the first time in my life I experienced Joy. So much joy I couldn't describe it in words. I loved how everyday I went to sleep imagining my head over his heart and his arms around me. I never felt so safe and so at peace with anyone ever before. I loved how the bed I've been sleeping in for the past 7 years , the bed that I loved very dearly felt so big whenever he left my room. I loved how suddenly I felt lonely when I was alone. I even loved missing him. I loved how alive he made feel... I loved everything about him. For the first time in 17 years, I no longer wanted to live inside my head and I didn't want to fight it because the world outside had Michael in it. I didn't want to fight all these feelings I had for him. Because what no one made me feel in the past 17 years, Michael did in the past 7 weeks. He made me feel everything. I was in love with Michael Joshua Carter with my everything.