18. Here goes nothing

ELIZABETH

Never in the world did I think that I would run into Michael yesterday. When the whole point of going out was to avoid thinking about him, I ran straight into him. To make matters worse he looked all sweaty with his loose tank and gym shorts, showing off his well built arms and those veiny forearms, with his hair ruffled and face flushed. I wanted to dry hump in the street. Vulgar I know, but I never told you I was decent! The worst part was that : he didn't speak a single word to me the entire time. He didn't even look at me properly. I got so mad, I wanted to slap him across his face. But I kept the violence to a minimum, limited it to flicking his forehead. The entire week, I've gone through a rollercoaster of emotions. From the highest of the highs to the lowest of the lows and now after the brief encounter with Michael I felt so much anger. It's so unlike ME, swinging from one emotion to another. I'm usually like a plateau when it comes to emotions but now all these crests and troughs, they're making me a mess. So I sat and thought about how I really felt, without running away from them or hiding from them and then it occurred to me: anger is good, feeling sad was good, not feeling anything, my emotional flatline, that was bad. I mean, that's how you know you are alive right? There's no point in us avoiding each other( okay, in me avoiding him). We can deal with this, in a much better way.It's time I communicate before I come to a flat line again. Flat line is bad.I will talk to him tomorrow, I thought to myself. I went to school wierdly excited/nervous fuelled with determination. But it looked like I chose a wrong day to talk to him. From the time I met Michael, I've never ever seen him like this. He looked so distraught, so defeated. He looked paler than he usually did, his under eye circles looked more prominent suggesting a lack of sleep and his overall vibe was different, it was off, like he was going through something strong internally. I wondered what bugged him, what made him feel like this. The 'me' before yesterday would leave him alone, give him space to collect his shit together but the 'me' now is determined to communicate, get through issues, solve them.So the entire day I followed him around and pestered him with only one question

" What's wrong?"

I only got one answer: nothing. That made me even more determined to dig deep, find out the truth because 'nothing' was a lie. When someone tells you there's nothing, 99% of the time there's definitely something. So I kept pushing him,

" What's wrong? Why won't you tell me"

" Will you stop now, I said it was nothing" he said exasperated. I went on and on until my new found determination got exhausted. So at lunch I told him

" Fine! Have it your way, tell me only when you're ready"

I had art in the afternoon and he had biology, ( ew gross I know) and we were late for our respective classes.

The hallway was deserted. Michael was absent mindedly walking toward my class. Just how much shit is going on in his head.

" Where do you think you are going, your class is on the other side dummy" I pointed my thumb backwards and looked at him. He was so preoccupied, he didn't even listen to me, what was wrong with him!? I'm mad now, what does he even think-

" If David asks you out , will you say yes?" He asked out of the blue stopping to look at me.

" What !??" Am I missing something here? He took my hand in his and asked me again

" If David asks you out , will you go out with him?" He asked very slowly dragging each word like he's asking a child. Is this what that was bothering him from yesterday? That David and I would go out? That I would go out with David? David Roosevelt! What in the world made him think that?

" What is wrong with you? What made you think that?" I asked furious.

" Will you please just answer the question?" he asked calmly. I looked at him, stared into his eyes and that's when it hit me. He's second guessing himself. He's going through the same exact shit as I did the past week and like an idiot I managed to overlook that. He needs to know, he needs to know that my heart belongs to his because he never made me think otherwise. I knew it in my heart that his belonged to mine and he should know that mine belonged to him and him only.

" I wouldn't go out even if Leonardo di caprio asked me" I said with conviction and he knows how much I love Leonardo di caprio.

That made him smile his gigawatt smile, the one that lighted up his entire face and filled my heart with so much joy. Within a second something changed in his face, it became more serious. He slowly dipped his head slightly and tilted my cheek with his index finger. Oh my god! No! Yes! No! Yes! He closed his eyes and pressed his lips against mine ever so slightly. They were so soft , just like... cotton candy, they tasted like cotton candy. Wowzaa! My entire body broke out in chills, my legs wobbled, my heart raced and I got insanely wet.I haven't felt like this even when I had sex. Jesus!. I opened my eyes to find him smiling shyly at me. His face was flushed. Slowly he let go of my hand and walked away and I stood rooted at spot. If this is what Michael's lips felt like I wonder how everything else does. I no longer wanted to wonder, I wanted to find out. The entire class I replayed the moment again and again. The sensation of his lips against mine, how he gently rubbed his thumb against my knuckles. Oh god, how a few seconds felt like an eternity. Did you ever realise, how time stretches itself when you are really in the moment? A minute feels like an hour, in a good way. But when you're not really paying attention, when you are not in the moment, time just flies away.That's how it was with Michael. One week with him felt like a lifetime while the past 17 years of my life flashed across me like a speed train. It was insignificant. Why did I avoid this until now!? Aunt Rose! Oh god! Oh god! What do I do now? This is exactly what I was trying to avoid! And now we went there, went to a place from where there's no going back. No! He took us here! It's all on him. What was he even thinking? I had so many freaking questions. What now? What next? Will we be together till college? How in the world will we make it work? Aunt Rose! Shit!! Will we tell Aunt Rose about this? The bell interrupted my thoughts. Once again an entire hour passed by without my knowledge. I am going to kill him. That asshole, how dare he. I marched out of the room determined to poke him in his eyes. He was waiting for me outside my class, leaning against the wall. He had that stupid smile plastered on his face and it only grew more looking at me. How can I possibly be mad when he was looking at me like that. I kept my hands on my hips and shaked my head with fury. He only laughed at that. What was so funny I had no idea. He grabbed my hand and started walking after bending down slightly to whisper in my ear

" We'll talk in the car"

Oh yes we most definitely will! I thought to myself. I sent Trenton away and got buckled up in his Audi. He put his seatbelt on and started the car. He was still smiling. Why was he smiling like an idiot? Because that's what he is! An idiot!

" Will you- he started and I cut him off.

" What were you even thinking asshole? Do you have any idea what you've done? What's going to happen to us now? Have you even thought about the repercussions of what you've done?" I was yelling at this point and he was laughing hard. His shoulders shook and the confined space filled up with the most beautiful sound I've ever heard in my entire life.This is unfair! I want to stay mad!

" Will you hear me out? You know, listen to what I have to say" he said laughing, alternating between looking at me and the road.

" What do you even have to say jackass! and watch the road!" I yelled. He only shook his head and smiled at that.

" Why are you even smiling like that?" I turned completely in my seat and asked genuinely curious.

" How can I possibly watch the road when I want to kiss you really bad El, huh," That made my heart stop for a second

" Oh my god! You didnot just say that" I turned straight in my seat.

" Aww, look at you , you are blushing" he reached out to pull my cheek and I swatted his hand away. Was I really blushing though!? I never blush! Ever! I'm gonna kick his ass.I started punching him in the arm, it was of no use, he was all muscular and it only hurt me.

" Stop hitting me, I'm driving" he said smiling and caught my hand. He slowly intertwined our fingers and brought my hand up to his mouth, kissing the back of it. I'm a puddle now, I'm all melt down.

" I've always wanted to do that" he said looking at me . That damn smile was still on his face.

" Oh my god you can not tell me things like that" I caught my head in my hands covering my face and turned towards the window catching a glimpse of myself in the rearview mirror. I looked like a tomato. Great!

" Of course I can, there's no point in hiding them now" he stated the obvious. Of course! We went to the point from which there was no return. How could we? When we tasted each other's lips, it would only leave us wanting for more. I took my hand back and folded them under arms.Think rationally El, I thought to myself. In no time we were in my apartment's parking lot. He took off his seatbelt and turned to look at me.

" Look at me" he demanded. I took mine off and turned to look at him. So we are doing this, here , in his car, in the parking lot!

" Trust me when I say I've thought a lot about this okay" he said sincerely.

" You did?"

" Of course I did. Think about it El, it doesn't make any sense for us to be this way"

" Right, that was-

" No, how the way we were before, we had so- okay , " he let out a deep breath and started talking again

" I fucking love you El and I found it ridiculous that I wasn't acting on it."

I fucking love you El, I fucking love you El, I fucking love you El..

" I've never felt this before in my life... and I never thought I would , even in my wildest dreams. Keeping all this to myself.... It felt.., it didn't feel right. Ever since you went back, things have been so wrong, that's not how they should be. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't do anything for that matter. I never ever want to go back to that. I don't want to look back and regret holding myself back. I don't want to regret losing you....it will kill me" his voice was barely a whisper now. I turned straight ,lifted my head ,closed my eyes and took a deep breath. He seemed to do that too. Yes it made no sense to hold back something so pure and so intense and so heartfelt, especially when I never thought I would be able to feel this way. Things like these, they don't happen often in life.I stretched my hand and took his in mine, intertwining our fingers. We still didn't look at each other.

" I have fallen in love with you Elizabeth" he whispered.

" I have fallen in love with you Michael" I whispered back.

After god knows how long, we turned to look at each other. Our faces looked different, him with his toothy smile, me with my lopsided grin but our eyes, they were the same, full of love. Like hell we are going to stay away from each other. So..Here goes nothing...!