17. What if

Hey guys, I'm sorry if you find the chapter half-assed because I certainly did. I did write a draft sort of thing for this one a while ago and I was not particularly in the mood to develop or edit it. At the same time I didn't want to NOT post it if you know what I mean. Maybe when I'm feeling right, I'll come back to this and do a better job. Thank you for sticking with me until now, I hope you guys have a better day than me

ELIZABETH

Everything went downhill after I left Michael's. The world was no longer bright.. everything seemed....dull. Funny how the feeling of love made me look at the world in a different way altogether. From the moment I fell in love with him, everything felt special. For the first time in my entire life, I was actually happy. Now it all disappeared and suddenly went back to how it was the way before he came.. so ordinary and mudane. No actually, everything was not the same. Everything became bad. That night when I tried to go to sleep, everything got intensified. After spending a week's time at his place, his HOME, mine no longer didn't feel like one. The bed was too large for me, I got so lonely that a chill passed through my body, it was like I was cold inside. Is this how heartbreak feels? Does it feel like someone is crushing your heart and sucking your soul out? It's like a dementor's kiss.Will it go away with time? What is this feeling exactly? To sum it up , I felt like shit. The only bright side to all of this was that, I'll still get to see him, even though I don't know how to act around him anymore, I'll still get to see his face and that to me was enough at the moment. I was nervous to go to school for the first time in my entire life; well you know the reason to that. So I went extra early and took my seat in English which was my first class and his too. When he came to the class he smiled at me, his genuine smile. His smile acted like that spell ' stupefy' . I froze at that smile. No matter how many times I have seen it, it still makes my heart flutter. I don't know what to do anymore. I always knew what I wanted but this thing with Michael I have no idea. I mean , how do I act ? So i successfully avoided him until lunch. I was standing in the line when the voice that has been haunting me from yesterday interrupted my train of thought

" So now we're not even going to be friends?" he said straight in my ear. It sent a shock wave through my entire body. I took a second to compose myself and turned back to look at him. He looked beat, confused like he was at war with himself

" We'll always be friends I said". Of course we'll always be friends! I'll go crazy otherwise, losing him as a lover is one thing and losing him as a friend, there's no way I can survive that. He's my best friend. Suddenly I got so pissed off, I turned around and flicked his forehead.

" Ow what was that for" he said rubbing the bruised area.

" Nothing" that was for pissing me off jackass . The rest of the week, things between us were.... strained. We did not spend time like we used to and it only made me more sad and crazy. I absolutely do not like this.On Thursday evening I decided to quit moping in my apartment and wanted to do some Christmas shopping. Yes I'm gonna drown my sorrows by buying things now. Retail therapy is real. I went through all the outfits I bought last monday, wow that last Monday? Michael came into my life only two months ago.? Wow. Wierd how the strength of a relationship is based on a connection and not just time. I feel like I've known him my entire life. Jesus, what was I doing with my life before he came along? Nothing, I was doing nothing, I felt nothing, I was nothing until he came along and now I am going to go back to that. My frustration/ disappointment made me pick the riskiest outfit from the lot I bought last week. It was a short maroon top that bared my torso and a black leather skirt that ended mid thigh. I paired them with kitten heels and a bag that the store lady picked out. She even ensembled the bag with some essentials like sunglasses etc. I looked at myself in the mirror and I barely recognized myself. I never wore stuff like these before, I also never felt like this before. How does one transition from feeling everything to nothing? Enough with the moping now, it's shopping time. Am I cursed or something? Am I not allowed to have good things in life? I should've known better because the minute I stepped out of my car the entire street stopped to gawk at me. Okay now, my entire stomach and half of my legs maybe on display but comeonnnnn, this is New York, aren't you guys used to this kind of stuff. Oh fuck off! I thought to myself. I initially decided to go to a mall nearby but there's no way I'm going to get any shopping done with this amount of unnecessary attention on me. I hated how everybody's eyes were on me. I immediately took the shades in my bag and put them on to cover the exasperated look on my face. Great! I'm gonna head home now, though I don't know where that is at the moment.

MICHAEL

This week has been the worst. I knew things were not going to be the same between us but I didn't anticipate her avoiding me like plague. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I've never felt this lonely in my entire life. Everytime I saw her, I wanted to pull her against me and wrap my arms around her. God I miss her so bad. I miss what we had. I wanted to bang my head against the wall everytime she took a detour just when she spotted me. It's not like I can chase her and talk to her! Hell what do I even tell her? Hey El, I know that I want to kiss you like crazy Everytime I see you but can we still be friends? She said we'll always be friends. Is this her way of showing friendship? By running away from me. I'm gonna give her some time, one week, that's it. If she still runs away from me, then I'll drag her back and give her one big ass lecture ( translation: I'll fall down on my knees and beg her to make things okay) On top of this our trainer decided to whip my ass this week in the gym since. I conveniently skipped it last week. But I needed the ass whipping, I could not concentrate on anything this week. Last week has been wonderful, beyond wonderful, it was the best week of my entire life. She was in love with me just the way I was. I saw it in her eyes. She finally opened up to me, she was afraid she would end up like her mother. No fucking way! I knew her better but she doesn't. She will with time I thought to myself. Time. It was our biggest enemy, we seemed to have none of it. We only had until college, who knows what's gonna happen after that. I understood where she was coming from when she said what she said before leaving, I would've done the same. It would never workout, there was too much on the line. But I couldn't help myself. All this week I went to sleep imagining her in my bed next to me,in my arms. I recalled the moments when I danced stupidly just to make her laugh( it was so worth it)when we both danced together, how I held her tight and how she held me back, how her heart beat wildly against mine. I recalled how smooth her skin left, how perfectly my hands fit her curves, like we were made for each other.I stopped watching TV in the living room because anytime I sat there the only thing remembered was how she curled up against me when I found the courage to drape my arm around her shoulder. I saw her everywhere in the house,in my room, in the guest room, in the backyard, in the kitchen, near the fireplace, in the living room, it was getting too much. So the only place I had to vent it out was the gym. I was in good shape thanks to all the sexual frustration I was going through. But today was extra hard, so David and I decided to treat ourselves with . I was craving for something sweet, so David suggested a cafe nearby that apparently had amazing cookies and muffins. We decided to ditch the cars and take a walk since it was nearby. I was thinking about how shitty the week has been when David said

" Is that Taylor?" It was except her entire torso and half of her legs were on display. Not that I minded, apparently no one minded. Everyone on the street girls , boys , men , women everyone stopped to look at her, some more conspicuously, some less. She was walking on the lane opposite to us. Why was she wearing sunglasses when it was cloudy? She was doing her fast walking thing with her head down.

" Let's pay her a visit shall we" David said enthusiastically and crossed the street. I followed him reluctantly. I was mad, so mad. I've never experienced anger of this sort. No this is rage. She can't go walking around like that on the streets. I don't mean the outfit, she should wear whatever she wants. I just wished I was beside her holding her hand when she wore something like that. I wanted to tell everyone that she was taken. She was My El. But she isn't though is she?

" Oh my god, what are you guys doing here" she said when she saw us approaching.

" Our gym is near by" David answered. I had a really hard time looking at her face , much less talk, all that golden skin was distracting me.

" What are you doing here?" The ever curious David.

" Um, me, I decided to do some Christmas shopping but decided against it"

" Why , what's wrong" David seemed very very interested and I didn't like that at all.

" Um maybe some other time when I'm wearing something more.."

She trailed off. Was she shy? I couldn't know because half of her face , the most precious green eyes were covered by huge black sunglasses.

" Hahah" David laughed.

" Will you buy me something for Christmas too?" He asked. El bought all of us presents for Thanksgiving. They were sweet and thoughtful. She got me some Batman merch, a perfume for mom, a journal for belly and a Whitehouse key chain for David.

" I guess I will now" she laughed back.

I wanted to say something, anything but I couldn't, this rage , this envy it was filling me closing my throat.

" Okay , see you guys at school" she said , flicked my forehead and left. Ouch that hurt. A lot. She flicked me earlier on this week too, why was she doing that ?We went back to the cafe and we're waiting for our order to arrive when David surprised me with his words

" So Carter, what's the deal between you two?". I don't want to do this right now.

" Between me and ?" I tried to act innocent.

" You and Taylor of course," of course he looked right past me.

" We're good friends that's all" that's all we'll ever be.

" That's all? Nothing more I should know" where is he going with this

" No, not at all" I said flatly.

" Cool then" he said and smirked. I wanted to wipe that smirk of his face. David is a very good looking guy. Tall, dark hair, pretty face with a lean muscular body. He slept with half of the school and the other half still wants to sleep with him. I've never understood if he had feelings for El, we never talked about David before but is he going to make a pass at her? Is he going to ask her out? Everything seems to be in his favor, he doesn't want to leave New York just like El, they both have very famous last names ( not that I don't) and both of them are actually good friends. She has known David longer than she has known me considering I only came here 2 months ago. 2 months, wow, feels like an entire lifetime to me. Oh god! What if he asks her out? Will she say yes? No she will absolutely not, my heart screamed but a teeny tiny insecure part of my brain whispered what if?