Chapter3. Loss
The next few days were perfect from my point of view but soon the summer vacation was over and Kevin had to go back to school. The far distance did not allow him to come home too often. I talked on the phone every day. I missed him.
I had started my first year of high school and had made a lot of new friends. Kevin came home every holiday but it wasn't enough. He didn't allow me have too much fun. I didn't go parties with my friends, because I wasn't allowed to go out after 10 p.m. He was worse than my parents, he was worse than Brad.
When I turned 16, he called me to say happy birthday and to apologize for not being able to come home because of the exam. It made me sad. I was waiting for this day so long so he can tell me this?
-You have to understand Sam. It's an important exam, it can’t miss it. I'll make up for it, I promise.
-You don't need to make up for it. Just take the damn exam. I'm said upset.
The next weekend I went to a club with my friends. I was on the dance floor when I caught Kevin’s angry gaze. At the moment I froze. He was sitting at a table watching me. God knows for how long. I went to him smiling.
-When did you come? I asked him, trying to look happy.
-Too late as you can see. He answered me coldly.
-You didn't tell me you were here today.
-I wanted to surprise you but it’s look like I was the surprised one.
-How did you know I was here?
-A bird told me. He replied with sarcasm.
-I have my mother's permission to stay later.
-Seriously! You don't have mine.
He was sarcastic and that bothered me.
-I don't need your permission Kevin. I said in a louder tone.
-That's enough Sam! His tone scared me .
-It's time to get out of here.
Annoyed, he got up from the table, taking my hand and pulled me after him. We went outside. His car was parked around the corner. He dragged me to the car without saying a word.
I pulled back my hand from his and with anger asked him:
-Can I know where we're going?
-Home!
-I don't want to go home Kevin!
-Get in the car Samantha's or...
-Or what?
-Or I'll make you .
I climbed into the passenger side and angrily put on my seat belt.
Without looking at me he drove in high speed to his house. He parked the car and walked down the alley still not looking at me. I unbuckled my seat belt and opened the door but I didn’t get out of the car. He unlocked the door and turn around and watched me.
-Are you going to stay in the car or get in?
I looked at him sullenly and did not answer.
-Damn it! He swore and come back. Without any other word he lifted me in his arms.
-You're crazy? Put me down. I screamed.
We were already in his room when he stopped and threw me into the bed. With one move he took off his shirt and threw it in on the floor.
I’ve stared at his beautiful tanned skin stretched over well-defined muscles.
-What do you want to do? I asked him without moving.
-I'll show you what the girls are looking for in clubs.
-Your parents?
-They are not home. They didn't know I was coming either. He said as he unzipped his jeans. His eyes were cold, cloudy. I got out of bed and wanted to go to the door, but his hand grabbed me and held me tight to his body.
-Kevin, I don't think you want to do this. I said without being too convincing.
He pressed his lips to my lips. His kiss was aggressive, I replied, clinging to his neck. As we kiss, passion has replaced aggression. He grabbed the edges of my shirt and slowly lifted it, exposing my breasts. He looked at me for a moment and then removed my T-shirt and threw it next to his. In his eyes I saw the radiance I now recognized, it was desire. He kissed me again. His lips were warm and soft. Suddenly he stopped, turned around, picked up the phone and handed it to me.
-Call your mother and say you're late.
-No need, she thinks I'm sleeping at Sandra's tonight.
-Call her and say you're staying with me.
I picked up the phone and called home.
-Mom! I'm not going to Sandra's anymore ... Kevin's here.
-Are you with him? My mother asked me.
-I'm at his house and I’ll stay here overnight.
-I hope you know what you're doing? I trust you Samantha.
-Yes, mom, I know!
-So see you tomorrow.
-Yes! Good night mom!
-Good night! Say hello to Kevin. I hung up and returned it.
-Satisfied? I asked him a little irritated. -Yes! I don't want you to lie to your mother. He said, picking up the phone.
-So! Where were we? He asked, smiling.
With one finger he contoured my cheek and stopped in the corner of my lower lip whit a lightly touched. I watched him without blinking. I had no idea what was next, he had never touched me like that before. My body shivered. A pleasant warmth ran through from my head to my feet and back. Without knowing what I do I clung to his neck with both arms, my breasts touching his chest. He took me in his arms and laid me on the bed. He took off my jeans and then covered me with a blanket.
-Sleep Sam! He told me, still smiling.
- And where are you going? I asked angry.
-I take a shower and I’ll come back to you.
I calmed down. I knew he wasn't mad at me anymore. I was ready to be his so I wasn't going to sleep. I was going to wait him. He turned off the light before leaving the room.
His shower lasted longer than I expected. All this time I waited in the dark dreaming of what was to come. When he finally came and sat down next to me in bed, I turned to touch his body. It was ice cold.
-You are cold! I complained.
-Do you want me to give you a T-shirt?
-Not! I want you to warm me up. I said, coming closer.
He kissed my forehead.
-Don't try to provoke me Samantha. I'm not going to make love to you.
-Why? I whispered.
-It's not time yet.
I stood on one elbow trying to see his face in the dark.
-I'm 16! You forgot?
-So what if you're 16?
-I thought you were waiting until I turn 16.
-I thought you were waiting for that. To turn 16 years old.
- Is that what you thought? 16 years do you think it's the right age? Well from my point of view it is not. You must be much older than this Sam.
I was disappointed.
-Then why did you want me to stay here tonight?
-I wanted you to stay with me. That's all.
Kevin! I do not understand you. You do not want me? I don’t attract you?
Suddenly he pulled me under his body.
-That’s what you think? That I don't want you? What do you think I just did ?
He was upset.
-I do not know! What you did? I asked him just as upset.
-I’ve wash of my desire. This is what I have done. Now do you want to go to sleep and stop trying to provoke me?
He almost screamed at me.
He leaned back, freeing me.
Disappointed, I retreated to the edge of the bed with my back to him. Tears of frustration filled my eyes, I let them flow without making a sound.
Kevin sighed and reached for me, taking me in his arms.
-I am sorry! I didn't want to yell at you. He whispered in my hair.
I didn't answer.
-Let me choose the moment when you will be mine. Believe me, after that nothing and no one can stop me from having you every night.
I turned to face him and nestled on his chest.
I slept peacefully in his arms until the next day at 9 a.m.
When I opened my eyes I met his gaze, I was too sleepy to know if he was still upset or not, so I asked him:
-Are you still mad at me?
-I should be?
I opened my eyes better and realized that he was smiling in the corner of his mouth. I hid my face to his chest and chuckled.
-Maybe, a little!
He stroked my hair and then pulled me away so that he could see my face. He wasn't smiling anymore.
-I think we need to talk very seriously about what happened last night. He said, looking me deep in the eye.
-I don't think it's necessary anymore. I know I didn't have to go to the club . I said sparingly.
-It's not just about that. There's also the way you dress and the fact that you're still trying to seduce me.
-What's wrong with the way I dress? I asked angrily.
-Nothing, it's just a little too provocative.
-For God sake! I was wearing jeans and T-shirt. I raised my voice. He was starting to be possessive and authoritarian again and that annoyed me the most.
-Good! We leave the jeans, but do you call that a T-shirt? He said without losing his composure.
-But what do you call it? I asked angrily without raising my voice.
-A piece of fabric, swimming suit.
-Swimming suit? I started to laugh.
-Sam! You are practically naked, you don't hide anything and you don't even have wear a bra. It's provocative. Guys look at this kind of stuff and believe me they're not immune to it .
As he spoke, he became more and more seriously upset. I was starting to have fun.
-Did that provoked you? I asked, smiling.
He stood up abruptly and leaned on a hand he held above my head, his face above my face.
-One day you may run into trouble with this behavior of yours.
-Not a chance.
-Not with me Sam! I can control myself.With others.
-I have you to defend me.
-I'm not always with you. That's why I need you to listen to me and stop doing stupid things.
Although he was extremely serious, I laughed.
-I promise to be good. I said after I stopped laughing.
I was as obedient as I could be. I didn't go anywhere after 10pm. I started wearing a bra under my T-shirts even though it seemed silly to me. Everything was going very well. I was sleeping at Kevin’s whenever his parents left. Anyway my reputation was completely safe with Kevin. With him I could have aged a virgin.
The spring ball was approaching at school and I wanted to go with my classmates. My mother had nothing against it, but it was harder with Kevin. A few days before the prom, I had the courage and called him.
-Hello Kevin! I told him after he answered my call.
-Hey beautiful! What are you doing?
-Kevin ... do you know there's a prom at school on Saturday?
-Seriously! I guess you want to go too. He was in a good mood so my hopes grew instantly.
-Yes!
After a pause of a few seconds he told me in a tone as serious as possible.
-Samantha! You can go to the prom, but be careful who you go with and especially not to go home alone. Take care of yourself!
-That's at school and I'm going with my classmates.
-Okay Sam! Have fun.
-When will you come home?
-Not too soon. Graduation is approaching and I have a lot to learn.
-I can't wait for you to finish and come home. I said gladly.
-No more than me. He told me laughing.
We said goodbye and after I hung up I ran to my room. I was happy, now I had to think about what to wear. I had to look good without being provocative. I decided to dress in a silk dress, light blue just like my boyfriend's eyes. It was sleeveless but not very low-cut, the wide straps allowed me to wear a bra without being seen, it bends nicely on the waist, continues in wide inclines and ends a little above the knees. It was simple but the color and the material made all the money.
The days until the ball passed quickly. The old gym was now a ballroom. It was large and beautifully decorated.
When I got there with my colleague and friend Sandra, the music was at its best and almost all our colleagues were already there. It was fun I danced with all the boys in the class and even some in the other classes. Around 11 p.m. we decided it was time to go home. I left the room with Sandra and two other boys who lived on the same street with us. Beyond the high school fence were several boys, older than us. Some were friends with Kevin but I didn't know them very well because Kevin didn't like me being around them. I passed them without paying attention. After less than 100 meters near us, a car stopped, the window opened and the driver called me by name.
-Sam?
I looked closer and recognized James. He was one of Kevin's friends, I had seen them together many times but I didn't think he knew my name.
He called me again.
-Sam!
-Yes! I answered
-I'll drive you.
-No, thanks! I walk.
-Your boyfriend might be upset that I let you walk.
-Did Kevin send you? I asked in surprise.
-Sure! He replied with a laugh.
How desperate and annoying Kevin could be sometimes .To send a nanny. That was a bit too much .
I apologized to my colleagues and got in the car with James. The strong smell of alcohol in the car turned my stomach upside down. I sat down on the right seat and put on my seat belt.
James started laughing and started. I realized quite quickly that he was drunk and that the road I was walking was not the one to the house.
-Where are you taking me? I asked scared.
-In a special place. He replied with a grin.
-I want to go home. I said hoarsely.
-Later the doll now we go in another pair. He said stepping on the accelerator pedal. He stopped the car at the edge of a forest. He opened the trunk and took a blanket after which he came to me, opened the door for me and greeted me:
-Get down!
I crossed my arms, holding on tight, trying to cover myself.
-I don't even think about it! I answered with fear.
He swore and practically tore off my seat belt and then got me out of my seat and pulled me out of the car, took my hand and started crawling after him.
I tried to resist but he got angry and took me up carrying me like a sack.
-Let me down, you bastard! I screamed, struggling and punching him. He dropped me down and then spread the blanket in one motion.
He came towards me threateningly.
-Don't get your hands on me. I said through gritted teeth.
-You're wild! That's very exciting. He said grinning.
-I will scream! I threatened.
He grabbed me by the back of the neck and pulled me closer to his face.
-You can scream as much as you want, I actually like that.
I spat him in his face. He slapped me on the face and slammed me on the blanket, leaving all his weight on me. He took both my hands and put them over my head, catching them in a pliers with one hand. I tried to struggle but I could barely breathe. With his other hand he gripped my panties.
-Don’t! Please! I'm a virgin! I cried desperately.
He started laughing.
-Like all Kevin's girlfriends. He said and brutally tore my underwear. I heard the zipper of his pants and I froze for a second.
Kevin! I screamed as loud as I could. I felt a excruciating pain and then only darkness. I was lying there on the ground but somehow I wasn't, it was like my soul left my body .I didn't feel anything anymore, my whole world had turned into a deep abyss.
Then I heard him somehow from afar.
-You really were a virgin! Now you have to become my woman. Next time you will like it.
As if what had happened wasn't enough, the thought that I could be stuck with such an animal woke me up instantly, but especially the fact that there could be another time made me want to vomit. I was incredibly sick. I had to get home. I stood up with difficulty and I whispered.
-I want to go home!
He got up and shook the blanket and headed to the car without saying anything. He opened the door on the right and threw the blanket on the backseat and then motioned for me to get in the car.
I sat down without putting on my belt. He also got up and started the engine then turned to me and said:
-I like you! And I want to be my girlfriend.
-I'm Kevin's girlfriend! I said looking down.
He grabbed my chin and lifted my face to him.
-Do you think he'll want you anymore after this?
I didn't say a word until I got home. After I get out of the car and I spoke without watching him.
-If you ever get close to me again I’ll go to the police.
I slammed the door and run in to the house. Without turning on the light, I went up the stairs and stopped in the bathroom, where I locked the door and turned on the light. I looked at myself. I had blood on my feet and I was covered with dirt. My dress was ruined, but I was going to throw it anyway. I’ve turned on the hot water in the shower and took off my dress and sandals. I went under the hot water. I don't even know how long I've been there. No matter how much I washed, I felt just as dirty. I didn't cry. My whole world had collapsed and I did not shed a tear. I was trying to swallow my disgust. I got out of the bathroom and went to my room, opened the closet, and picked up Kevin's T-shirt I'd been wearing the last time I'd been to him. I dressed with it and went to bed. I still had the smell of alcohol in my nose, I pulled on his T-shirt to inhale Kevin’s scent. The pain had begun to take over me. I crouched down and hugged and started a mute crying.
I couldn't go to the police. What happened to me it wasn't something I wanted to share, especially in such a small town where I would probably be found guilty. And then I didn't want to tell my family. In fact, who could I put on? My mother who always told me she trusted me? To my father who was rarely at home or maybe to my brother who had already warned me? I didn't trust my friends.
I was alone.
I had to tell Kevin. I didn't know how to do that, but I had to. I fell asleep in the morning.
Around 12am my mother came into my room.
-Sam! Kevin is on the phone.
I didn't had the courage to turn my face to her, so I whispered with my face turn to the wall.
-Tell him I'm sleeping, mom!
It was the first time I didn’t rush to peak up on his call.
My mother sat on the edge of my bed and put her hand over my forehead.
-Are you sick? She asked me.
-I don't feel very well today. I said softly.
-Do you want me to bring you some tea or food?
-No mom! Thanks, I just want to sleep.
I heard her leave but she left the door open. I got up to close the door and heard her telling Kevin I was sick and hadn't gotten out of bed yet. I glanced in the mirror. I look awful. My swollen eyes and deep circles filled my ravaged face. I went to the bathroom to wash my face. After I did my full toilet and I thought I looked a little better I went down to the kitchen. Mom was alone.
-Where are the others? I asked trying to sound as normal as possible.
My mother looked at me intently and replied:
-Brad left half an hour ago and your father didn't come home yesterday. Do you want a tea or something to eat?
-Just a tea! I can’t eat.
-What happen to you? She asked me.
My whole body ached, but my soul ached the most.
-The stomach! I ate pizza yesterday and I didn’t really liked it. I lied.
I haven't been out of the house all day. Around 8 p.m. Kevin called again. I answered. I told him the same lie, he asked me about the pram and I told him I didn't like it because I didn't feel well. I was going to tell him the truth, but not now.