An unknown feeling inside

This is the story about me, a girl who so dumbfoundedly fell in love with my high school teacher. I knew from the very beginning that it was a stupid idea and the fact that I had no chance in hell to be with her. Yes, I did say her; I love girls – I need better wording for that the next time I’m coming out. Going back to where it all started; the beginning of my sophomore year in high school. Summer was about to end, which meant that school was about to start. I wouldn’t say that I had the most exciting summer, not that I didn’t have fun, because I did but more because I’m one of the few people that actually like going to school and learning new things.

I woke up early as usual when going to school, I had breakfast, brushed my teeth, found some clothes to throw on, and then I left for school. I walked out and began the walk to school and before I knew it, I was there. I walked across the parking lot filled up with anything from juniors who didn’t know where to go to seniors who hung out in their cars. Quietly I went inside the school, got to the front office to get my schedule and my homeroom. I read the schedule rather quickly because the second bell had just rung, which meant class was starting right about now. I thought to myself: great, I’m late on the very first day, but at least I knew that I had one of my favorite teachers as my homeroom and English teacher; Ms. Westbrook.

I ran across the halls of the school to find my homeroom and when I opened the door, I could see the other students looking at me, and to be honest, I felt like I was being pointed out. I hurried to a free seat next to a boy I had math with last year, so at least I knew him. Suddenly Ms. Westbrook spoke up and said: “Nice of you to join us today, Lexa”. I could feel my cheeks turning red and all I could say to answer was a low apology, I’m not even sure she heard me. Ms. Westbrook continued what she was doing before I came and interrupted the whole class.

“So since it’s the first class of the first day, we’ll just get to know each other a little bit. I want you to take all of your chairs out from your desks and form a circle on the outside of all the desks.” Ms. Westbrook said. We did that and of course she has to join the circle and sat totally across from me. Somehow I felt really exposed, like she could see right through me, but I brushed it off as her way of punishing me for being late. “The next thing I want you to do is say your name and an animal that starts with the same letter as yours. You can’t mention the same animals twice. Do you understand?” She said, and we all answered at the same time “yes”.

The first person started and I zoned out a bit, thinking of all kinds of stuff that I wanted to learn this year, weird I know but yeah. Suddenly I felt a poke on my arm, signaling that it was my turn. Shit shit shit, I don’t know how many animals with L that has been said. “I’m Lexa and the animal I choose is a lion” I said, kind of panicky. “Good one, Lexa – moving on to the next” Ms. Westbrook said, and I was relieved that I didn’t fuck up in front of the whole class and my teacher again. As the circle came to an end as did the class and the first break was coming up, which was great because I was thirsty.

The bell rang signaling a break, so I got my stuff together getting ready to get out of the class when I heard my name being called, asking me to stay after class. I just stood awkwardly in front of the teacher’s desk waiting for her to be finished with whatever she was doing. “So why were you late to class today?” She asked me, and I honestly has no idea of what to say to her. My mind went crazy places to find an excuse to be late, but the only thing I came up with was “I went to the front office to get my schedule, and while I was reading it, I lost track of time. I’m sorry, I just waned to be prepared for the classes I have this week and especially today”. It seems like she was satisfied with my answer because she looked up at me and stared right into my eyes without saying anything for a while. It was like she was checking if I was lying, which I’m really glad I wasn’t.

At last I dodged her eyes and looked to the window because it was just too awkward, I’m not good with eye contact. She made a small almost inaudible sound that made me look back at her again, and this time her face had softened. It was like she was trying to get a read of me, but I couldn’t figure out why, so I just asked her “Is there anything else you need from me, miss?” which only seemed to piss her off because she slipped me a detention note. I didn’t even try to argue with her, it was really no use. I took the note from her and left the class. I slammed the door a little, because she pissed me off by giving me detention. Fuck that shit, but I knew I would end up going anyway; I have too much faith in authority to not show up.

As the day went by and the classes past, I remembered the detention slip and for a second I really considered not going, but ended up as usual, of course I was going. I found the slip to take a look at what class it was in, and sure enough it was not only my homeroom class, but also my homeroom and English teacher; great! I walked in, not closing the door, and sat down at the back of the class waiting for the other students to show up. As the time got closer to 3 pm I figured no one else would show up. Ms. Westbrook closed the door after a small five minutes and went in front of her desk and sat down on top of it. I thought it was a little weird, because normally teachers just prepare for the next day when they host the detention, but for some reason she didn’t, she just looked at me.

After being quiet for a while and her just staring me down and me dodging her eyes, I spoke up “are you just gonna keep staring at me, or are you gonna tell me the real reason I’m actually here?” I think I sounded just pissed enough for her to know that I was dead serious, I had more important things in life to deal with than detention. She didn’t say anything, instead she stood up and walked down to the desk in front of me and sat down on a chair. She was now at my level and I had really tried all day not to be a creep and check her out and stuff, but when she was sitting there right in front of me with that blouse and skirt, I couldn’t help myself.

“You like what you see?” She said and I quickly turned my eyes to the floor, so she wouldn’t be able to watch my cheeks turn red again. I thought to myself that if it wasn’t already obvious that I was staring at her body, then my fast dodging eyes and red cheeks said it all; I was busted. I decided to get my self together and just answer her “As a matter of fact, I do actually like what I’m seeing, do you have any issues with that?” She looked shocked that I had answered like that and if it wasn’t for the quick boost in my confidence, I probably wouldn’t have said anything at all. I don’t know what came over me. “No, I don’t have any issues with that, none at all” she answered with a small huff after her words, and a look that could definitely kill any living creature.

Once again, I grew small and looked to the floor, but this time she reached her hand out towards me and put her finger under my chin to lift it up. “You know you can talk to me if there’s anything on your mind, right?” She looked so sincere and to be honest, I had a lot to deal with and I needed to talk to someone. “Well I didn’t really know that, just because you helped me out last year, doesn’t mean you want to do it again this year” I said and something happened with her eyes. “Now I’m telling you, that you can talk to me anytime you want to, I’m here to help you. That’s actually why I gave you the detention slip, I wanted to know how you’ve been doing during summer”. Wow, that seriously took a turn I didn’t expect; sure she helped me deal with a lot of issues last year, but I never expected her to ask about my summer and stuff. “Honestly I don’t even know how I’ve been. I guess I’m fine now, not really good, but not bad either; somewhere in between” I said. Again, her eyes gave me a heavy feeling in my chest and in the pit of my stomach, and I didn’t know why. We talked about how I spent my summer and she really made me think about how I wanted to work on myself to get better, and not just be the girl with all the problems. I always liked talking to her, because she’s a young teacher and it’s like she gets me like no one else does, which is kind of weird.

Detention came to an end, I got my stuff together and when I was about to grab the doorknob she took my arm away and hugged me. I melted in her arms and I really forgot how warm and soft her hugs are. Yes, she’s hugged me before – last year when I was a mess she picked me up from the floor of her classroom a couple of times, not to mention the times where she would find me in the bathroom stalls at school. I looked her deep in the eyes and said “thank you for letting me vent to you, and thank you for thinking of me when you don’t have to”. She just hugged me one more time and opened the door for me. Detention was officially over, and I was for sure heading home.

I got home, did my homework, ate dinner with the family, showered, and went to bed. That was pretty much my days; breakfast, school, homework, dinner, and then sleep. The days passed by faster than I thought they would, and suddenly a month had passed. I hadn’t really talked to Ms. Westbrook since that first day in detention, unless it was about school stuff. I knew that if I needed to talk to her, I could. In reality I needed to talk to someone, but I was too afraid of asking because I didn’t want to be a burden or cause any unnecessary concern.