Discovering the unknown feeling

It was a little over a month into my sophomore year, and I was sitting in my homeroom class with Ms. Westbrook at her desk and the other students had their eyes stuck on the first test this year. Me on the other hand, had my eyes stuck to Ms. Westbrook; there was just something about her that made me think about her in a way a student definitely shouldn’t think about their teacher. I couldn’t help but to keep staring at her; I tried to do my test, I really tried, but nothing worked. Once the time was up and it was time for her to collect our tests, she looked at me with a disapproving look. Had she been watching me while my eyes were glued to the paper, trying to do the test or had she actually caught me staring at her for an extended amount of time? I wondered a lot. She got all of the tests, including mine and then the bell rang.

“Lexa will you please stay after class, I need to speak with you?” Shit, I thought: I’m busted, I’m doomed, I’m gonna get expelled for not doing anything. My mind easily went through 139 scenarios where I could’ve been busted staring at her or not taking the test. “You wanted to talk to me” I said as I stood up to walk up to her desk. She stood up too, but she walked towards the door and closed it. The slightest hope in me wished that she would give me a hug again, I needed it. She sat down on her desk right in front of where I was standing. It didn’t take much before she looked me in the eyes and saw right through my facade and the walls I’ve been building up around me.

“Lexa you know you’re supposed to come talk to me if you have even the smallest need to talk, right?”. I just looked down. I couldn’t bear to look her in the eyes, because I didn’t know if she knew something was up, or if she was just disappointed I didn’t confide in her at the same level I did last year. “Well it’s hard for me to ask for help, you know that. I’m not good at it, I don’t want to waste your time. I’ll see you tomorrow” and with that I opened the door and was about to leave, but the door was shut in my face, almost hitting me. I was frustrated and raised my voice at her “what more do you want from me?! Honestly, I don’t know what the fuck you expect from me, but I’m just me”. She looked at me like she’d seen a ghost, and if I’m being honest I was a little surprised myself over my sudden outburst.

After a little while she calmly said “Lexa... I don’t want anything or expect from you, but I do want you to know that you can trust me, okay?”. I couldn’t hear it in her voice that she was really shocked just a few minutes ago. “I think I’ve proved time and time again that I do trust you, otherwise I wouldn’t even be here talking to you now. I wouldn’t’ve talked to you last year either if I didn’t trust you”. My voice was more calm this time, but it was easy to hear that I was still frustrated and upset with my situation. I’m honestly so lost, I don’t know why I trust her, I don’t know why I don’t want to disappoint her, I don’t know why I’m thinking about her in ways I shouldn’t, I don’t know how to stop, and honestly I don’t know if I really want to stop.

It was quiet in the classroom for a minute or so, until I spoke up again “So do you plan on letting me go home today or do you want me to stay here, so you can have me all to yourself?”. I was messing with her trying to lighten the mood a bit. She got that look in her eyes again, not the ‘kill’ look or the ‘you’re in trouble’ look, but a look I see sometimes when I’m staring at her and she catches me doing it. It’s like her eyes shine more than they usually do and her hazel brown eyes become kind of golden. The look in her eyes disappeared and a smirk made its way on her lips. “What if I do want you all for myself?” she said, and in that moment I could answer all of my questions about why I was thinking about her so much; I wanted her to want me, I wanted her to say yes, I wanted her.

Ever since I discovered my feelings towards Ms. Westbrook, I avoided her as much as I could. I kept my head down, did my homework, and focused on school. I had just walked inside the school where I put my stuff in my locker and got my books for the first class of the day; English. We have a test today since it’s the fourth month of school already. I’ve studied as much as possible because I want good grades, maybe that way I can get a scholarship and go to a good college. I was sitting at my desk like all the other students when Ms. Westbrook walked in and as usual, I avoided her eyes.

All of the sudden I felt a vibration in my back pocket of my pants, which was letting me know that I’d received a text. Quickly, I read the text and I deeply wished that I hadn’t. It was from one of the girls in class; she didn’t like me. That’s probably the easiest way to explain it. I didn’t know what I ever did to her, but for some reason she was always harassing me, and this text didn’t differ from any of the others she’s sent me. It said “wtf r u wearing u ugly bitch?! Can’t u just wear something normal, is that so hard?!!!”. Instantly all the things I’d studied for the test today disappeared from my brain, and all I could think about was how I looked and if the other students also thought I was ugly. The test started and I read all the questions, but I couldn’t even answer one.

When the class was finished we were supposed to hand in our tests so Ms. Westbrook could correct them or something like that. The other students handed in their tests, but I just sat there not knowing what to do, and looked down at my desk. I could hear the rest of the students leave the class room. Ms. Westbrook spoke up “Can I have your test please, Lexa?”. I didn’t know what to say, I couldn’t get myself to tell her I didn’t complete the test, but I couldn’t tell her I did complete it, because that wasn’t true. I was at a loss when I heard her chair across the floor and the sound of her heels getting higher. She stood beside my desk and put her hand on my back “Lexa, may I have your test please?”.

I just looked up at her and at this point I had tears in my eyes, I didn’t say anything. She sat down on the chair beside me and twirled my chair so my front was facing her. “What’s wrong?”. She said it with the sweetest voice, and if I thought I was kind of crying before she asked, then I don’t know what I was doing at this point. I couldn’t even answer her, I just cried in my hands, hiding my face. I didn’t want to be more embarrassed of myself more than I already was “Lexa... please talk to me and please, please remove your hands”. I didn’t do what she asked me, I just cried more. I completely broke down in front of my teacher and she just sat there with me while I was crying, not saying anything. It was like she knew what I needed. I just needed to be able to cry and not being told I was dramatic.

When my crying had calmed down I spoke up “I’m sorry, you shouldn’t have to spend your time sitting with your crying student. By the way, I didn’t complete the test, I didn’t even answer one single question”. Then I went back to crying. She gave me time to cry and calm down before she said anything, which was really nice. “You know what, I have an idea; I don’t think you’re in the right mindset to learn anything today. I will give you two options, #1 You take the test again in a few minutes and I will be here the whole time. I’m not going to help you, but I will be here if you feel like it’s gonna be too much. #2 You go home and go to bed early, and then you come in before classes tomorrow to take the test then. What do you think about that?”. I thought about it for a second “I want to take the test now, I studied so hard for this. But you don’t have to stay here, I’m okay now”. She saw right through me and said “Just because you aren’t crying anymore, doesn’t mean you’re okay, I’m staying. End of discussion”. I debated on whether I should argue, but decided not to. It would be a waste of time anyways.

I dried my eyes, took out my pen and began reading the questions again. I felt like I was out on the ocean where I couldn’t reach the bottom and I was drowning. I started panicking when Ms. Westbrook interrupted me “Just read one question at a time and then answer that question. If you can’t answer right away, then move on to the next question and go trough the test like that. One thing at a time. Now, take a breath”. I did as she told me to and it worked like nothing I’d ever seen before. After 45 minutes I’d completed the test and handed it over to her. “Thank you for sticking around and helping me today”. I thanked her and was about to walk by her when she softly grabbed my arm and looked at me “Lexa, can you please tell me why you were so sad?”. She looked at me like she really wanted to know, like she cared or something. I searched her eyes for any sign that could indicate why she was asking because I wasn’t used to people being this nice to me.

“I’m not trying to cross a line, but you know I care about my students, specially you since what happened last year”. I could tell she wasn’t sure bringing up last year would help me open up, but it did and I told her what had happened. “We were about to take the test, you’d just entered when I felt my phone vibrate so I took it out and read the text. It said something that really upset me and got into my head in a way that made me unable to maintain focus, and everything but that message disappeared from my mind”. I didn’t want to tell her what the text actually said or who sent it. I didn’t want to cause any drama in class, we had enough of that last year.

“Well it’s understandable that you weren’t capable of focusing if you got an upsetting text, but for me to get a better understanding of what happened, I need you to tell me what the text said and who sent it to you”. I didn’t want to go there, I really didn’t “Does is really matter, I got a text, got upset, and now I’m fine?”. “Of course it matters, if it really upset you as much as you say it did, I need to know”. It was really obvious that she wasn’t backing down. Me being me, just told her the whole thing. Typical me though. “Please don’t make a big deal about it, I don’t want to start any drama” I begged her, but to no use. I told her even though I didn’t want to, but I knew she was right. This wouldn’t stop if I didn’t tell someone what was going on.