#8

warning!!! *topic of depression and cutting and bullying if you have experienced this and traumatic please skip.*

"Mhhhhm...mhhhm..." I was woken up my Ryan tossing and turning. "Be still Ryan!" I said snuggling up in my blanket. "No...I can't...save me...mhhhm X..." he shot up eyes wide at the last word. What the hell did he have a nightmare I sat up. "Hey are you okay?" he nodded. "Do you want water?" he nodded. I ran downstairs and got him water. "Here..." I gave him and he took one swig and it was empty damn boy the hell?

"Where am I? What happened?" he asked me. He didn't remember? "You don't remember anything?" he shook his head. "You had a panick attack Ryan." he raised up his head and he looked horrified. "Why didn't you call anyone?" he said. "I decided to text your parents..." I didn't get to finish. "My parents are you fucking crazy? Who gave you the fucking right?!" he yelled. "Okay you have no right to yell at me okay? I was fucking worried and it's not like you have told me who drives you back and fro when we meet. And what the fucking hell Ryan? You had a panic attack and passed out here in my home the first thing I will do is call your parents like every sane person so shut up." I said and scowled. Who the hell does he think he is he doesn't the fucking right to do that. Shit! I got up and went my attached bathroom and washed my face. When I went back to my room he hung his head down in his hands.

"I'm sorry Xaé I'm grateful for what you did okay? I'm sorry that you also had to see me like that." he said in a low voice. "I'm sorry too Healry I didn't mean to snoop." I said too. I climbed up in bed and turned to look at Ryan. "Did you have a nightmare?" I asked him he stiffened. After a minute he nodded. "What was it about?" I asked him and he looked like he wasn't going to answer after two minutes he finally answered. "I was drowning in black water and... I fought and fought and fought. After I became tired of fighting I gave up and it felt like forever I was at the bottom of the water I started seeing a hue of light and a shadow neared and it was figure of a woman it wasn't recognisable but I felt like I knew her. She jumped him and she wanted to save me but I fought with her. After a while I gave up she hauled me out. I woke up as I was about to say her name." he finished. "Wow! do you think like it means something? Do you have these kind of dreams.?" I asked in a gentle voice. He turned to look at me. "No I don't. Let's go back to sleep." he said hastily. "Ryan are you okay? Like is there anything I can't do?" He looked at me as if I cursed his whole existence "Anything you can do? You can't do anything Xaé you can't okay. The fucking pills failed and even therapist what makes you think you can fix me?" My heart sank therapists,pills? I looked at him with tears brimming my eyes but one thing I knew is that I'm not giving up on my him. I am not. "I'm not trying to fix you Hearly I'm am there and here for you." I assured him touching his shoulder and he flinched. "Sorry." I muttered. "It's okay." he said lowly. He laid back in the bed I looked at the time and it read 03;15. "We've got school tomorrow." I said and laid back also. "Xaé can I trust you?" he asked in a small voice.

"Yes Hearly you totally can it's not like you're the president's son right?" when he didn't answer I shot up and dramatically gasped. "You are?" I said mouth wide eyes wide. He chuckled with a raspy sleep voice and it did thing in my stomach. "No I'm not Miss Dramatic. I want to tell you something...s. I feel like I can trust you and tell you everything." he said looking at the ceiling. "Okay tell me if you are ready or whenever you are." I said lying back. He dragged by upper arm and I crashed into his chest he put his hand on my waist. I stilled what the hell Ryan? He chuckled "Let's get comfortable yeah?" I nodded slowly my checks were burning. *le panik* My heart can't take it. "You know I wasn't always this big and muscles I was a lanky skinny kid in middle school. I lived with my parents in Ohio before they got successful. They lived with me they were there every night for dinner every morning for breakfast and I didn't complain because I was happy. In the fourth grade I started getting bullied and that's when they started touring. I tried to tell them but they were always busy and they hired Nonna to take care of me. I told Nonna and she went to school the next reported it and they only got away with two day detention for half a year bullying. After Nonna went to school it got worse. I was getting beaten up and went home with fresh bruises everyday and I started getting depressed and my parents weren't even there to see it. I hid from Nonna until one day she caught me. She told me that I have to stand up for myself I I want to live normal." he stopped my eyes were leaking I felt like sobbing but I held it. "I started going to the gym and worked out the boy that was bullying me started getting tired of doing it but I didn't forget it was too painful to. I started getting muscles and being big everyone got scared of me. I went back to the boy that bullied me and asked him why was he doing it. And guess what he did he punched me in the face and called me weak and my mother a whore. Then the TV at the cafeteria played a video...a sex...sextape of my mother and..." he gulped. "...his father. after it played everyone looked at me disgusted because they knew his mother died a few weeks before. They had thought that my mother..." I finished for him. "Got rid of his mother so she can step in." I said with a shaky voice I felt him nod. "Yes and the whole school turned against me and it hurt, my friends had my back but not like before they started pulling away. I started getting more and more depressed and anxietic. I started... cutting." my heart almost stopped beating. "It felt good but I knew it was wrong days after starting I got bored and stopped, I started fighting. I became they bully and became hungry for revenge I started with the boy that bullied me and other kids. After my behaviour got worse and complaints being many and my teachers noticed I was moved to here. Freshman year I didn't make any friends till now. During the summer we moved I convinced myself that everything will be better my parents will be back in my life and I'll get a fresh start. But nope It didn't. Mom found out I was getting bullied and found out why and didn't deny or confirm that video and that hurt dad. He started being distant till he wasn't there anymore they travel together for the sake of media but they are not I haven't seen them for over the year. They only person that really knows me is Nonna and go I love her she has been my mother for the longest time."

"Years went by and I started drinking anti depressants and became more depressed I mean they make me happy for a few hours after that I have an episode. I forget mostly the hours after an episode and do things I have never done I mean on time o got a tattoo under my arm pit guess what I did." he chuckled. "I don't know your name?" I said unsure. My side was starting to hurt I haven't moved at all. "Nope I wrote "Arm Pete.'" I laughed."... stupid i know but I was like high. After a nap later I woke up with a stinging arm pit and when I lifted I was horrified it's still there." I sighed and sat up. "My side is hurting." he laughed. "But I promise Hearly I'll always be right here by your side and Arm Pete also so don't worry." I looked day the clock it read 04;26 "Fucking hell Ryan let's sleep we'll be late tomorrow...later." I said and laid back facing the other way. He spooned me his breath fanning my neck I shivered. "Promise me you'll never leave me." he said weakly.

"I promise Ryan." we fell asleep after a minutes.