Chapter 5

I stared ahead of me, enjoying the warm caress of the newly rising sun. I moved my aching feet around in my ice bath. I sighed and wrapped my blanket tightly around myself. I hadn't slept since my episode last night, I was tired, drained but I couldn't sleep. Scared of what will embrace me in the darkness this time.

" Hey, I made you a cup of coffee," Dallas said. I looked at him and forced a smile, and took the steaming mug from him. I took a sip enjoying the slight burn from the hot liquid.

" I want to go see Angie today," I said, leaving no room for discussion; I needed to leave this house, so I was going to travel four hours to my hometown. Why would I want to return to a place that held so much hurt? I have no fucking idea.

" Okay, what time do you want us to leave?" He asked, taking a seat on the opposite patio chair.

" Us?" I questioned being a bitch; I sighed and rolled my eyes, feeling bad when he held his head in shame.

" I'm sorry I'm going to start getting ready. I'll text her that we're coming," I said, taking my feet out of the bucket.

" I'll get it, and I'll make breakfast for us to eat in the car." He said after I reach to pick up my bucket.

" Thanks," I said and walked by him, heading to our bathroom.

*************

I smiled as we pulled up to the Lockhart estate. My aunt sold her house and moved into my grandparents' mansion when they died. They died shortly before my mom did, car accident. Of course, I wasn't at the funeral. I didn't even know they left something for me in their will for when I turned 18. Of course, there were requirements attached to the money, like for a year, I would have to do frequent drug tests, and after that, they would randomly test me to make sure I wasn't using. If any drugs were found in my system, my money would be placed in the hand of a conservator. Fun right!

Little did they know I refused to turn out like my mom. It's been years since she's died, eight to be exact. I know this will make me sound terrible, but I still haven't gone through any of her stuff. I told Angie to do it, but she said she believed that was something I needed to do. So her boxes have been in her room since the day I moved in. I don't know when I will go through them, if I ever will. I want to leave it in the past.

" Look at you; you get more and more beautiful each time I see you," Angie said and hugged me. I smiled and rolled my eyes; that was her way of saying I need to visit more often.

" Hello, Ms. Lockhart," Dallas said while embracing her hug, for a tiny woman she squeezed hard.

" You guys sure you can't stay until tomorrow?" She asked while walking into the kitchen. I sighed before replying; I know it gets lonely for her sometimes. She lives "alone," she has partners, but she never found anyone she was willing to spend her life with and let's say she is as stubborn as I am and refused to settle so she could have someone else in her house.

" I can't have rehearsal and stuff; you're still coming to the show, right?" I asked with a smirk. Angie never missed any of my shows. She rolled her eyes and chucked a grape at my head. I laughed and dodged the little fruit.

" What's going on with you and Dallas" She whispered. Dallas was currently on a call on the back patio. I shook my head. Of course, she would notice something was off. I guess that's one of the reasons I came home.

" What gave it away?" I asked; she rolled her amber eyes. I looked at her beautiful face. She hasn't aged much other than the few gray curls that streaked her black hair. Her caramel skin still glowed youth, apart from a few wrinkles here and there might give her age away.

" Well, for starters, he looks like I wounded puppy, and you're pretending he isn't in the room." She said with a raised eyebrow. I felt the tears started to prick. I cleared my throat and walked over to the fridge, grabbing her cream cheese. I moved over to the pantry to grab the butter crackers she always has around.

" If I tell you, you can't react," I told her. She nodded her head and handed me some deli meat from the fridge so I could make a somewhat balanced snack. I just wanted a shit ton of cheese and crackers but whatever.

" He came in one-night drunk from hanging out with his friends and tried to ..he tried to force me -" I couldn't get the words out, but she understood what I was talking about. I could see the anger in her face; I held her hand, giving a quick kiss to the back of her hand.

" Please just let it pass. We made up. I'm just still a bit shaken from it," I said; I could see her clenching her teeth, probably regretting agreeing not to react.

" I'm sorry you had to go through something like that again, hun." She said, biting back tears; I pushed my crackers in my mouth and hugged her.

" It's okay; it didn't go too far. I'm ok." I said. She sighed and wiped her eyes.

" Angie, I'm good, we're good," I forced a smile, " it just brought back painful memories, that's all." I finished hoping she would let it go.

She nodded and went back to preparing lunch.

*******************

" Hey, could you run to the store for me? I don't have any vegan cheese and sauce for your lasagna." She said after we finished lunched and cleaned up the kitchen. I told her she could rest and stuff, but she was determined to start dinner so we would have ample time to eat dinner, dessert, and travel back before ghosts started to get friendly.

" Why, vegan?" I questioned her.

"Fewer calories, and I want you to try this double fudge chocolate cake recipe I have been playing around with." She said. I shook my head.

" Angie, your something else," I tell her as I grabbed my car keys and my purse, even though she tried to stop me. She knows I have a calorie budget, always have. Growing up, I struggled to find the balance, but she taught me how to eat foods that I liked but being careful. For example, if I ate a hamburger for lunch, I should eat something like a tuna steak with quinoa for dinner. She helped me not to be one of those bulimic cases.

I pulled up to the grocery store and walked to the cheese aisle, trying to find her vegan cheese. After grabbing the stuff, she wanted, I walked out to the parking lot to stop in my tracts. It was HIM; I felt my world freeze. I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself.

"He has no power over you. He has no control over you." I kept repeating in my head.

" Azalea ?" Jason said. I made my way to walk past him.

" Azalea, please." He begged.

" DONT TALK TO ME, YOU FUCKING RAPIST!!" I yelled, turning a few heads. The woman beside him looked up at him, to which he responded by hanging his head.

" Please, I've changed, I', not the Jason your use to, but I need your forgiveness. Please forgive me, Azalea." He said. The woman beside him looked at him, then back at me; she seemed so confused about everything.

" Let me guess; you have no idea what's going on, huh? Why didn't you tell her, Jason? Go ahead, tell her how you pinned me to that bed." I said, my mouth working on autopilot. I wanted to run away to hide and pretend this wasn't happening.

" Jason, babe, what is she talking about," She asked; she sounded so sweet and innocent, poor thing.

" Go ahead, Jason, tell her, tell her what her babe is capable of," I said, taunting him. My feet wanted to move, but I stood there, taunting them.

"Azalea, stop, please. " He said, his eyes looked haunted as if he really does regret what he did. Good, I hope the guilt eats him alive. I tried to move past him, but he grabbed my arm. The hair on my body stood up in fear, my breathing changed a little, and my world stopped. For a quick second, everything around me stopped, and memories started to swim around. I dragged my arm away from him. My skin felt hot and burned as if it was dipped in magma. It seared with pain, pain from that evening. Pain from seeing and feeling him again.

" Azalea, please, I want to be better. I am trying to be better, but I'm still haunted by that evening-"

"You still haunted. Are you really sorry, or you want me to say it's ok so you can feel better about your pathetic self. You fucking asshole, once again thinking about yourself." I said my lungs burned from the lack of oxygen, but I couldn't stop my words. Years of pain and trauma came flooding to the surface, and I put that all on him.

" I hope it haunts you in this life and the next. I hope it's the last thing you remember on your death bed. I hope you can never forgive yourself; I hope you remember that I will never forgive you." I could feel my tears prick my eyes, but I refused to let a drop fall for him, not anymore.

" I hope it scars you and every relationship you have; then you will have an idea of how it feels to be me," I said and walked away quickly. I slammed my car door and quickly left the parking lot. I don't know how I got back to Angie's, but I was grateful I did without hurting myself or anyone. I parked Dallas's car and cupped my shaking hands. I swallowed, still refusing to cry.

Push it down; then it would have never happened. PUSH IT AWAY. I kept repeating in my mind. I grabbed the groceries and made my way to the kitchen; I was almost there, my legs wobbled, and my body gave in. I slipped down to the floor, crying, hating the fact that I still reacted like this because of him, hated that I wasn't strong enough to ignore this feeling. I hated that I even had this feeling. I heard their brisk footsteps approach me. I stiffened and flinched when they reach out for me. Angie kept trying to get me to tell her what happened, but I couldn't find the words. I just wanted to cry the memory away, so that's what I did.

The rest of the night went by in a blur. I curled up beside Dallas's chest, enjoying the warmth and protection I felt. I eventually told him what happened before he fell asleep; I was so grateful he didn't try to kiss my forehead or tell me it would be okay. That wasn't what I needed, I just needed someone to listen, and he did. He listened, and then he held me close and firm. I wanted to feel safe with him again, like how I use to before the incident. I guess that would take time, so until then was okay with this feeling. I was okay being content with him.