Chapter Eighteen:

"So are you guys broken up now?" Angelica asks.

"I don't know... I don't think so. He has been trying to talk to me so he is obviously not finished."

"But are you finished Maddie?" I let out a deep breath.

"No, but if he thinks this relationship is pointless and we're just going to break up in the end then I guess I have to be." Another two weeks pass without us laying in bed together, kissing... arguing even though were in a argument right now, I miss our pointless ones like about who's house we're going to hang out at or what we should eat... I just miss him.

"So he doesn't seem to be mad?" Angelica is trying to understand everything before she gives me her honest opinion... I love that so much for her.

"No, just me. So I guess this is one way feelings?" I slap my head with my hand.

"You have every right to feel upset. He has no faith in your relationship and he said some shitty things about how your relationship is and why it probably wouldn't work." I think that is what is making me so upset, he isn't wrong. Everything he says is true, on the arguing part but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try... I cant be the only one that believes in us. We just have to do some improvements to stop arguing about little things but the arguing makes us, us. Without the arguing we probably wouldn't be dating in the first place.

"So you never told me about your movie date." I say changing the subject and she starts to blush.

"He is everything a guy should be! Hot, charming, polite... we're going out again on Saturday and I'm even thinking of inviting him to Griffin's Halloween party next week." She says catching me by surprise. If it wasn't for meeting her boyfriend, I wouldn't be that excited for Halloween that is also my birthday. I haven't told anyone that but Leandro, mostly because I don't think my birthday is worth celebrating. It just reminds me every year, I'm one year closer to death but every year I still dress up and pretend its just a regular day, not including the birthday cake I always use to get at the end of the night when I went partying in Los Angeles with my old friends.

"Wow! I'm happy for you, Ang. I'm glad he is everything you want and I cant wait to meet him." I really am happy for her... really, really am. She deserves someone that wont use her for her body and actually treats her well. I miss relationship stuff like that to be honest... I miss us goofing around in class together or the way her always wraps his arms around my waist from behind and kisses my cheeks and neck... why am I acting like were broken up? Were not. We will get past this... we get past everything else. Were going to be happy after this little hiccup. He's going to realize that we can make it through long distance and that he was wrong about what he said and were going to be back to what we were before. I know I should call him and I want to but I'm scared about what he has to say. I don't want to argue anymore, I'm sick of it. I feel like everyone knows us for being the couple that just fights and makes up and I don't want to be that anymore. I want to be the couple that argues once every little while and never have to make up, were just going to be imperfectly perfect.

"I need to go home... I don't feel the best." I lie, the truth is I just want to go home and tell him to come over.

"Don't call him Maddie... you don't deserve something so toxic. You deserve something like my guy, something better." She says reading my mind. Is that really how she sees us? Toxic? Do we have a toxic relationship?

"I don't want anything better though Ang and quite frankly, I don't think I deserve anything better." I admit and she frowns,

"Don't say that... that's just how Gabriel makes girls feel, like they need him." She tells me.

"I know I don't need him... I really know I don't but I really want him though." She still has a frown on her face by the time I leave Joe's and I know she is worried about me... but she shouldn't be. I'm fine... I will be fine. I grab my bike that is rested against the building and ride off. My Mom's car is still in the shop and she doesn't really want me to drive. 

I get home in what feels like five minutes, but probably was much longer. I run upstairs and hear my Mother call after me but I don't listen. I send Gabriel saying "Come over." And maybe that's a stupid idea but I want him... I crave him. I'm a stupid girl, if we don't talk for weeks than that should automatically be the end of this relationship but I really don't care about our disagreements even if its important. Around ten minutes later I hear the window slide open and I see him... the only man I want. He slowly walks towards me, examining every feature of mine like it was the first time really seeing me in forever  and once we are only centimetres apart, he cups my face with his big hands and bending over he gives me a soft kiss that turns into a intense one,

"Maddie..." He says breaking our kiss and I shush him.

"I want you, Gabriel." I say.

"Like... want me, want me?" I nod and he shakes his head.

"Don't you think we should talk first?"

"I don't like talking." I repeat his words from that night and he laughs.

"Okay." He kisses me again and ends up picking me up, approaching my bed.

"I want you so bad." I say to him. He lays me on my bed.

"How bad?" He asks, laying over me.

"Really, really bad... please Gabriel don't make me wait anymore." I practically beg.

"I made you wait for your own good." He reminds me and I roll my eyes.

He kisses me again, pulling his shirt over his head right as he breaks our kiss. We both take a moment to undress and he helps me. Grabbing his wallet, he pulls out a condom and holds in front of my face.

"Are you sure?" He asks and I nod.

"More than positive."

"Maddie... you can't go back after this, once it's done, its done." He says like he wants me to stop him.

"Gabriel... I promise, I am sure." He rips the condom open with his teeth and puts it on then hovers over my naked body.

"It's going to hurt and try not to tense up down there... it will hurt more." He warns.

"Can you just shut up and do it?" I instruct.

Out of nowhere, I feel a stabbing like pain as he goes inside me. I moan in pain but pleasure too and bury my face in my pillow,

"Are you okay? Do you want me to stop?" He asks.

"No, I'm okay." The pain is way worse than described from any of my friends or even in things I have read online. It's really fucking bad. I never thought I would lose my virginity with my boyfriend that I'm still mad at, but I also didn't think it would hurt this fucking bad.

"Fuck." He grunts and I run my fingers through his hair as he continues.

"Go slower please." I tell him and he nods. I bite inside of my cheek hoping that it will help with the pain but it doesn't. Everyone's level of pain tolerance is different and mine is shit but I'm sure its just as painful for everyone... or I swear others aren't human. Gabriel moans a couple of times but I can tell he is trying to hold it in so it doesn't seem he is getting off to my pain? When I don't see it like that at all.

I open my eyes to look at him and pull his head down to kiss him,

"You okay?" He asks and I smile through the pain at his worry,

"Yeah, I'm fine." I kiss him again and it gets less painful as he continues but then painful again. Its like a fifty-fifty ratio. He moves my arms up beside my head and intertwines his fingers with mine.

"You can go a little faster if you want..." I tell him and he does.

I start to cry a bit as he does but I try to hide it.

"Maddie..." I realize that he has seen my tears.

"I'm okay. Don't... don't worry." I say.

"I can still stop."

"No... I'm fine... I promise." I cry. He starts to kiss my cheeks, drying up my tears slightly.

"I..." I stop what I was about to say and put my hand on his cheek, staring into his eyes as he continues.

I feel as he finishes and moves out of me and lays beside me.

"Why did you wait?" He asks me.

"Well, it's not like I never had an opportunity to, I did with many people but when it got down to it, it just didn't feel right. I didn't want it to be meaningless I guess. I wanted to do it when I was ready and when I thought it was with the right person. I was most of all afraid to be taken advantage of." I admit.

"So why me?"

"Because you never tried to force me into it. You were understanding and patient and not a lot of guys are nowadays." I put my head on his chest and he holds onto my hand.

"Well, I'm glad it was me... as stupid as that may sound."

"It doesn't sound stupid." He stays quiet.

"How did you lose it?" I dare to ask.

"Do you really want me to answer that?" I nod.

He sighs, "I was fourteen... shit was bad at home and Sirena's Dad was out of town for awhile so I was staying there with her."

"We had a couple of drinks, but we weren't drunk and she just asked me straight up..."

"And of course you said yes." I thought it may have been her that he lost it to but it still sort of sucks since they are friends still.

"She was there for me, you know? She always is. Regardless of anything I may do, she is the once person I know won't go anywhere." He explains.

"You think I'm going to leave you one day?"

"Who knows. I don't like thinking about the future too much, only the present." We both go silent for a moment but I finally speak up.

"So what do we do now?" I ask.

"Just lay here I guess."