Chapter Thirty-Nine:

New Years has always brought me joy. Every year since I was fourteen I had a New Years kiss but this year, it makes me want to barf and then kill myself. Is it bad I'm jealous of everyone that is in a relationship, like Angelica? Or all my friends that are at a New Years party while I'm stuck inside partying with my family. I wish I had a New Years kiss, actually I dreamt about it last night but of course it was just a dream and I woke up before the person with no face's lips touched mine. What does that even mean? I know if I ask my Mother she would say it meant nothing and it was just a foolish dream but if I asked my Grandmother, she would say something about me deciding who I want to kiss... is there even a choice? Gabriel or Leandro... is there really no in between? Me and Leandro called off whatever we were going to become and me Gabriel aren't speaking at the moment so I guess that leaves me with a stuffed animal or a fruit... I choose neither. See choices like that are so simple, but why with people is it so complicated. Is there a reason why we HAVE to be with others? Socialize, be in relationships? Really society just makes it seem important but I've been fine on my own... I mean I had a couple of weeks being sad, lonely and depressed but now I'm just angry and over it. Angry because Gabriel wants to get back together right after I got over it... and I still am over it but also confused at the same time. I mean it's New Year's Eve, I should be excited to start a new year and this should be an opportunity to leave all my Gabriel drama and sleeping with Leandro drama behind me but instead, I can't stop thinking about it. It's exhausting really.

I'm back on the couch with my family, like I have been for three hours waiting for twelve even though its only 10:45 and were watching a bunch of shitty movies from the seventies to eighties. I'm just about sick of this, I want to go to that party and why can't I? Just because my Mother told me not to? I don't recall ever really listening to her anyways so why am I listening now?

"I'm going to bed." I say. Getting up from my spot, everyone turns towards me,

"What do you mean... it's New Years." My Grandmother says.

"I mean that I am tired and I want to sleep."

"Okay sweetie, goodnight." My Mother goes back to watching tv like its no big deal...What the fuck?

"What do you mean goodnight? I'm going to bed!"

"What do you want me to do? Stop you from sleeping?" She says,

"Yeah... well goodnight, I guess." I start to walk away from her,

"By the way, you're better off just using the front door, I don't want you to break something going through the window to that party." Of course.