Chapter 6: Reflection

Chapter 6: Reflection

Big drops of water coming from the clouds are falling. Although it's raining outside, myself gets interested on it. I watch the rain as the sprays hit the window in front of me. It seems something is happening now that is full of tricks and I am watching it. It's three weeks when the party event thing is happened. When I escape the party I immediately go home and cry all night silently. I don't wanna watch what will be Andrei's answer to Mika's confession. And Andrei and I have not seen each other for three weeks. He was looking for me but I said I had no time. I have been avoiding him for three weeks now because every time I see him, I remember what happened at the party. When Mika admitted that she liked Andrei. Then kissed Andrei aftet that.

Yes, I'm hurt. My feelings was hurt and I hate it. Why? It's because I don't have a right to be mad at him. I don't have a place to be mad him. I am just his bestfriend who always supports him. I'm just his bestfriend forever,nothing more and nothing less.

When the rain subsides a little, I leave my spot in front of the window. I go pn my study table and saw the small frame. It's me and Andrei. The picture makes me smile a little. He hugged me from behind and mine is like thinking. We're happy in the picture that taken. Slowly, I felt a trickles to my cheeks and I realized that I'm starting to cry silently. Everytime I reminisce what I seen Mika and Andrei, automatically my heart weakens. I realized that I already fell inlove to my bestfriend, Andrei.

I sat down on my study table and focuses on my bunch of papers in my course and accidentaly fell a piece of paper that's old vintage paper but I recalled that it's about my reflection about myself on what will I see on 5 years after or so. I took it and place above my table, rereading it:

"Now that I am writing it, I don't know now what I suppose to write in here. Reflection about myself and see myself on what must've content in here. Good day Everyone, my name is Nikkola El Henrey by the way, shy girl type of a student that's studying in junior highschool grade level this year. I see myself 5 years or college student or so as a successful in life. I will be a student that's on college continue studying at peace. I see myself struggling and full of hardships in continue to educate myself and after that I will be a successful literature profession.

But I see that I will be a English teacher that can be a second mother for my future students. I will be able to continue learning and explore many things and be a guidance as well for them. It doesn't matter for me if I didn't have a love one in the future. It's because I believe that God created me to guide and to treasure kids. Kids is enough for me to fulfill what's the emptiness satisfaction for love. I don't really matters at all about who'll be the one treasure me in the future but I can all the best to cherish children in my whole life. Because I'm believing that children is a gift from God and they can give you what you need for the sake of love.

But once I'm wrong and there's a person will love me in the future, I wish he love me too the same as my love for him. Even though we're having hardships and hindrances in life we will treasure the moments together. Like my mom's advice on me, don't ask to strive a extraordinary lives. Such striving may seem admirable, but it is the way of foolishness. Together, help each other to find the wonder and marvel of an ordinary life. Show the joy of tasting tomatoes,apples and pears. Show the way to cry when pets and people die. Show the infinite pleasure in touch of hand. And make the ordinary come alive. The extraordinary will take care of itself.

I know it'a too early to mind it but it's the truth to be told. The truth that you'll encounter and the truth that will experience you to do wrong but after that you gain a moral lesson on it and you'll conquer it for your life. In this age, I'm seeing the world. No filters like cameras and phones, no masks that wilk hide the true image, and like it's not a fairytale that we watch all day and felt happy because it has a happy ending.

Life is like a obstacle course, you'll continue the way to finish line although you'll too slow and you have wrong path to take, we have different endings in life,whether it will be sad or hapoy ending, always remember that you won in that journey that you took. Because you took that path and many struggles and hindrances that you have, and that makes you being a brave person. You never fear the descisions that you make and you do not fear the result for that descisions. 5 years from now or on college years, no matter will I have, I will be brave and take the possibility to be happy and I take always positivity no matter what will I have."

I suddenly crumpled the paper. I do not know what's on my mind that I have on that situation to be happy. Maybe the struggles and hindrances in reflection that referring to is in this time. Crying for the person that I have for years. Breaking my heart but he didn't know. It's a sad ending I guess that might I have now? Or it's the start of breaking the promises that I have in the reflection years from now.

It seems that reading of my reflection when I was a child added to the tears I felt on my cheeks. Out of my eyes came the accumulated sorrows and sufferings because of my destiny for my love for my friend. Isn't it a greed to claim someone you have just for your enjoyment? Isn't that a greed for yourself? I feel sorry for what happened to me today. I'm so stupid because that's how I think now. Funny because in this situation, even though I have not confronted Andrei yet it seems like I already know, that Mika is the one he will choose.

I just think it's heartbreaking. it looks like a knife that has been stabbed, deeply penetrated and can no longer escape. I can't help but think of anything. seems to be preparing myself for the pain that will be received if those are the acceptable words, the reciprocal answer that will kill my heart. Maybe this is not the destination for me for the love category.

It seems to be a short-lived taste of happy and beautiful memories but when it is done, it will be left at the same time so that you will be alone with sadness and grief. Maybe this is the right time to talk to Andrei. who to choose, who to love. Whether it's Mika or me, I will accept it completely. Because I love him, and luck will be his love. I can't bear to see him sad but if this is what should be done,

I will accept it wholeheartedly,because at this time, I will tolerate it. Funny, I still do not know the answer, I already know what to do, he will be ready for whatever his answer will be. I will be fair,I promise. Because the little paper that contained my reflection then opened in my mind what to seek, what to do. for your love,you will do everything.

The deal will be fair and a plan will be followed for you. wherever the little reflection I made when I was a child will take you to the destiny that will be have by you. The path of what way you can have is the descision of yours. And now, when she chooses Mika, I will do everything to make him happy. It's because I love him,all of my heart,to the moon and back.