Broken and reminiscing the past

I woke up at 5 am this morning with a pounding headache from crying last night. The pain I am feeling right now is incomparable to the first time. Last night with Luca wasn't my first time but my heart is shattering into pieces more than the first time.

I try to hold back my tears but my fragile heart keeps getting broken again and again, time and time again. Slowly, my vision becomes blurry and the pool of tears flow easily. This hurts and I try to stiffle my sobs. I pull my knees to my chest and rest my head on them. The walls I've built up for years crumble down and the tears I've been crying don't seem to compare to these.

Im held captive by the hole in my heart and I want to pick myself piece by piece but each time I try to do that someone decides to break me more. My sobs grow louder as I reminisce the past.

Flashback

I woke up to my naked self and my clothes on the floor including my underwear. All I can remember is Yazmine hosting a party because my parents weren't home and the question that keeps running through my mind is where yazz is. I try to get up but my body feels different . I feel a searing pain from my womanhood and I wince at the pain. I uncover myself , checking where I was lying, I see some blood on my white sheets. I scream out of fear and Yazz bolts into my room with fear.

" What's wrong?" She asks breathlessly

" What happened last night?" I ask while tears roll down my cheeks.

"I saw you with a guy I've never seen before. I thought you knew him and I continued drinking, I don't remember anything after that."

"H-h-he " I break into sobs " slept with me. He took my innocence" this time I sob louder than before and Yazz hugs me tightly.

"Im so sorry baby " she whispers as she joins me on the bed. Hugging me tightly, she brushes my hair while telling me that it's going to be fine.

This pain hurts more than not knowing the person who took your innocence. Not matter how much I try to remember what happened that night, I can't get to remember. Luca only wanted to use me like a whore that I'm not. He's just like the rest , a wolf in sheep's clothing. After such a long time of sorrow, I thought this one was different but what can I say?

I know tomorrow is a Monday and I have work. Been a waitress isn't easy because I have to fake a smile all the time. After three long hours of crying and self pity, I freshen up and start my day.

Today, I'll be going home and I just hope mum doesn't see through my lies when I get home. I do my morning routine and decide on black tights and a bulky white t-shirt with a simple necklace. I pair them with black ankle socks and Adidas slides. It's a Sunday, so I love lazing around and that goes with the way I dress.

I look at myself in the mirror while putting my hair into a messy bun. I see a beautiful broken creature looking back at me. I stop looking in the mirror because I might start crying again so I decide to go to Yazz's room to wake her up so we can prepare breakfast.

Opening the door, I'm met by an empty bed and I hear the sound of a shower running so I decide to start making breakfast on my own. I make simple pancakes, fried eggs, bacon, toasted bread, baked beans with coffee. Just as I am placing the food on the table, I hear footsteps.

" Why did you disturb my session last night? I would have gotten laid but you just had to ruin it" she says angrily, waving her hands in the air before placing them on her hips.

"What happened to good morning?" I asked as I raised an eyebrow but she brushes me off and takes her seat.

"Nothing is good about this morning" she continues to complain but I just look at her.

"Let's eat and we'll talk about it later" only then did she start eating her food.

After breakfast, we sat in the living room with ice cream and told her what transpired at the club starting from the time she left me at the bar. I thought I would cry when narrating the story to her but there's nothing , I think my eyes are tired of crying. I sigh and look at her as she makes a face full of pity.

" Yazz don't do that"

"Do what?"

" Looking at me with pity, I don't like it"

" I'm sorry for been inconsiderate when I came into the kitchen"

"It's fine babe, it's my fault as well. I would have stopped him but I didn't so I'm equally to blame"

"Come here love" she hugs me tightly and I hug her back savoring the moment.

" Wait I know what's going oto make you happy" she smiles mischievously and the next thing I hear is "sokah by nailah blackman " and I laugh remembering our silly moments. She really knows how to make me happy whenever I'm sad.

" Baby you are more than what you see in the mirror. You wouldn't have overcome if you weren't strong. You are a warrior , it's time for you to learn from what you've gone through. Put a genuine smile on that face of yours. No matter , what I'll be here if you need a shoulder to lean or cry on" she said while touching both my cheeks and looking into my eyes.

"Thanks love."

We later ordered pizza and talked about work tomorrow and about Yazz's education. She's pursuing medicine at cavendish university and is in her first year. Hours had gone by and when I looked at the time, it was already 5 pm which meant I had to go home.

When I got home, I found mum in the kitchen preparing dinner and I helped to prepare the chicken curry with fried rice , a potato salad, beef stew and spicy wedges.

After dinner, I cleaned up the kitchen and went to bed early because I didn't want mum to start asking questions about last night. As I went to bed that night, one thing I was sure of was that I will not shed another tear but I will put a smile on my face because a smile hides a thousand years.

My parents wouldn't be happy to see me bury myself in sorrow. They always wanted to see me happy. I smiled to myself as I drifted off to my dream world. I hope everything works out for me.