No One Knows
Michelle POV
It's been such a long a month and days are passing by which we didn't realize we survived all of the chaos and ruckus in the academy that rumor will soon shut down little by little like it was used to be which I didn't know how to work these days because it makes me fail every time I finish a project but I'm such a disappoint to my older brother who I wanted to be proud of me even we almost argue every day when every time he mentioned dad with me. Now I can't concentrate because I feel empty by the means of wanting to, but my passion is not with me these days
Then our concert is finally coming near since it's already July then we still don't know when it will be held, and Alexis is having a problem to compose any songs until now ever since we move out in USA just to transfer to another school and I certainly hate this friendship tradition but we already done it for over a lot of times because there are bully situation that is happening to us over years. I run to circulation and nowadays students get insecure even there is nothing to be
Someone knock at the door which made me stop thinking a lot of things and I just fixed everything in the table not to look messy
"Come in" I said
"Michelle, are you alright?" oh it's lovely and she seem to be worried about me these past few days because until now me and my older brother not in good terms but I can't hate him because he's the only person who never leave my side when I'm still residing in USA even though he doesn't visit me that much but he send me letters and some stuff things that won't made me feel lonely
"Why shouldn't I be? There's nothing be worried about and I'm doing great" I lied because deep inside I'm not okay and it's hard to tell how hard my life is but I'm still hanging there
"Michelle, I know you and you can't lie to me. Now tell me, you're still not in good terms with your older brother?" she said, and I don't know what to say to her which make me failed to myself to do such a thing as a friend then I know I don't have the right to lie to anyone wherein I promise to myself even it means I'm not okay and I'm threatened at risk. I served my fully life to be the honest person that anyone could ever met but not means of denying things that would made everything complicated to understand
"Michelle"
(*a flashback when michelle is still a little girl and whining inside the room of her older brother)
"Michelle, what are you doing in my room?"
"Oppa, what is your dream to be?"
"Uhmm, I never thought you could ask me question like that and I'm still not sure how to answer your question, my little sweetheart. Usually, people tend to ask themselves on what dream do they have as they grow and turn into person who they want to be"
"How is that oppa? My dream is to be a great singer, so that everyone in the world know how my voice can move everyone's feeling and I'm not just a mere ordinary citizen"
"How could say that my little sweetheart? You're still a kid and will learn a lot of things as you turn into a teenager. You might not know also what you would end up"
"Oppa, you're making my dream go away"
"Oh, come here my little sweetheart" he hugs me and tell me everything he has done in his life as he couldn't imagine what dream he could end up with
"But let me just tell you this, my dream is to be an honest person in everyone's eyes not just my own world but the destiny world that we will face with a lot of risk, threats and challenges but doesn't mean you should lie to make the truth fade away and lock up in our doubt"
"Oppa, is that a dream?"
"Yes, it is, not dream you can achieve but dream as a person and that honesty you have will always help you to be a good person and no one can take that away from you, my little sweetheart"
"I didn't know that being an honest person can be also a dream oppa"
"You might find it awhile, once you realize a lot of things. Lies can never win with a weighted truth. No matter what happen, always tell the truth and people will trust you even it means of having a situation you can't handle. By then, people will realize what they decide through those lies will never make them feel their innocent but killing a person's mindset"
"Are you a good person oppa?"
"I cannot say about it, but I'm an honest person even people provoke me or tell me to lie about something which make life dangerous, and the world may see it, but people don't. If your little mistakes make you doubtful to lie about things, then don't call yourself as a person but you're a injustice human who never know what path you will go if you continue lie on your own then the truth will never be the same you want them to know"
"Have you ever lied to someone oppa?"
"No, I don't but it makes me feel guilty when I hear someone lie in front of me because I already know the truth before they make things worse, but I keep it to myself to make the other person feel relieved even the one who save them makes them feel regretful"
"Michelle, don't let lies make you regret the things that will destroy you"
"What if I lie oppa?"
"Then you'll never see and know what the truth is then you will always be blinded by lies and your eyes will never see what the real world is. The eyes is the power of give justice to people because they witness something that it's hard to unsee when it prevails then no one dares will ever seek lies"
"Oppa, why didn't you just become judge to seek for justice"
"I prefer to be civil citizen than to be a professional worker in the real world. It's hard to become a judge because you're putting the lives of those innocent people just because of your unwilling justice in my mind and there are decisions which it will take time for you to choose which path you'll go. That is why having a dream is blunt when don't remember how to hold it until the day we live"
"The dream we cherish will soon change until you realize what you really want to do then that honesty is one powerful tool that anyone could have. Honesty gain trust and believe of one person, then be a good person with honest thoughts than a person who only knows how to talk with lies"
"So, you must think what you really want to do before you regret the things that will make you unhappy then whatever you decide, I hope it makes you happy and I'll support you until the end, my little sweetheart"
(*end of flashback)
"Being an honest person will make you feel lightened"
"You're saying?" lovely said which made me left her confused and I guess I'm zoning out on my thoughts
"I'm grateful that you girls are here. I'm thankful for everything and glad that I met you girls"
"Michelle, you're not yourself again. I think you should tell me because you can't even lie to me either to Alexis or Jamie" lovely said and I told them that
"I guess you caught me off guard" I said
"Yes, it's true, me and derrick are still not in good terms despite this made me cry every night and I hate having argument with him because it breaks my heart. Also, I don't want my mom know about it which it will make her worry" I continued
"Why do hate your dad so much?"
"I already told you that he cheated and having an affair in the office" I said which make me feel triggered when every time I say it
"Then I figured it out, he is with another woman and mom is crying every night because dad never go home then he always makes me feel sick of hearing his excuse when I already know he is going to see his woman"
"But do you really think it's true? I mean you didn't even witness it on your own and it's only pictures that you see" lovely said and she don't know anything at all
"What if that happens to you, lovely? You see your father cheating and your mom is crying every night because of it. Do you think you'll just let I pass?" I asked her straight and I did sound sarcastic to make her think what she said to me. Because she wouldn't know the feeling of seeing your dad having an affair which it's disgusting, and I can't believe he could do that to us when mom is crying every night
"You have a point there and I didn't feel that on our family, but I already told you yesterday that I felt pain and miserable when I got accused because someone hold a grudge on me then my parents believe her more than they trust their own daughter, then the time we got both into accident and my parents blame me because Kenneth is in coma and the most painful thing they had said to me is that I should be the one in coma instead of him" lovely said and I know that but it's different from my part. It's all about my pathetic dad and my whole life has changed from the day our relationship has been blunt and have a big gap which I thought it would stay the same until I grow old then now my older brother is becoming like dad, and I just can't even think how I should fix this situation
"I know we're on the different situation, but we have the same feeling. We should at least know every problem we have. I hope you and your older brother should make it up now because he is the only person you can rely up to now while you're mom is busy with her works in handling five companies and 2 flower shops" she said and it makes me feel more comfortable talking to her now than a moment ago which I become more out of mood to tell her anything today and we still have class to attend
"We should at least prepare now and change into our outfit to wear on school because it's already 6:45 am and let's go now or else we'll get late on our first subject" I said yet I'm still in bed whining around the room while talking to lovely when we just laugh to each other because all we did is cry and mumble a lot of things that made us think how problematic our college life be if those dimwit didn't bother us at all
"So enough with the whining and go pick your outfit now or else I'll be the one picking for you" she said but I stand up then push her out the room because she'll wouldn't find any extraordinary on my clothes which I only wear simple outfit which it would fit on her taste who always wear dress in school and put make up to suit on her style
Maybe I should wear my jumper then long sleeves along with sneaker or 2 inches of heels. I don't know if this would fit me because I'm not into girly that much. I try to fit it because I never worn this ever since the day, I went to that party because of that jerk then everything went upside down and one of the worst days of my life
"Wow" I hear someone clapping and praising me then I turn around which I saw lovely and jamie on the door and I didn't notice or hear my door opens
"Why didn't you knock?" I asked and now they see me wearing a dress like
"You just leave your door open and didn't close it properly" lovely said
"Oh, sorry about that, don't you think this dress jumper is too short on me? I think I should change my outfit now" I said and immediately look for another outfit to wear because I feel uneasy and uncomfortable with these clothes
"Michelle, you should wear that one and it looks perfect on you. Don't you even dare change into a simple outfit or else I'm going to burn them all now" lovely said and do she think that would make me scare? Well, I can buy new clothes if that happens then our friendship is over
"Do you want to end our friendship lovely?" I said with calm expression, and she quickly cling on my arm and trying to be cute when I couldn't stop laughing at her reaction right now. She knows me well and I'll say whatever make her scared like a baby asking for a milk. This is one thing I like about lovely
"You go girl, the style you're wearing now which I love it" lovely complimenting even it's not a big deal to wear these kinds of clothes but this is the only time I wore it after 5 years when I got totally feel mad that day and I wouldn't forgive that jerk who cause too much trouble to me that day
"I guess, I'm not the only who see Michelle wearing this outfit then everyone will look at her" Jamie said, and it made me feel more uneasy because I don't want any attention to other students either and you know their fans will go crazy afterwards. But hoping that annoying jerk won't bother for a day, and I'll be thankful for that
"So, you girls should be preparing on school and Alexis is already at the dining cooking some breakfast which she seems down these days, but I hope you remind her that she shouldn't be hard on herself and as the granny of the house then I might as well need to know what's going on to the four of you. Tell me next time you four are ready, okay?" Grandma Ami said to us, and we just smile to make sure that she will feel at ease on the situation we have right now, but we can't hide or deny it for a long time until she finds out what's happening to us lately
We went downstairs to eat breakfast together while Alexis is cleaning up the utensils, she used in cooking then joined us afterwards. All of us just talk to each other and Grandma Ami then Mr. Brown just join us now before we go to school because another battle to fight ahead. Michelle, you can beat it
*****************
Benjamin POV
I sleep late at night, but didn't go back at the house of mico since I stay on my cousin penthouse for a while since I need to finish the music that he needed on his band then I can go to school afterwards but I'll go out for now to buy some food for myself since I didn't get to eat yesterday lunch and dinner at night which make me feel sick but I'm so busy working on the song and I don't have time to eat something because it would be just be a bother and waste of time
I'm also tired of being with those three like I see them every day and then eat at the same time so I thought of hanging out at my cousin place which he is staying in a penthouse then I'll should go on my uncle's Studio MuSwag-Groove because my brain was in trouble these days before, so I need to refresh it now then maybe I'll go crazy but I'm not a crazy person so you can stop whatever you're thinking. But it's just a joke, I love them even though mico is serious, while Charles is always an early bird then james always with a different woman all the time
I just brought my car instead of using my motorbike which it would be hassle for my part then I'll just leave a note on the refrigerator so that he will know that I already left the penthouse and I'll head on the studio of my uncle. Should I call him? Maybe I should because he might get shocked once I visit him in the studio then he'll kick me out if I didn't tell him ahead of time. I remember what he did to me, and I hate that day as in literally he made me cry in front of my friends, but he felt sorry afterwards then he bought something to make it up to me
I dialed his number then it's just ringing, did he go out of his studio? Or maybe went on a business trip which I don't know? He's one of the closest uncles I had in my relatives, and he always talk to me when every time I had a fight with my dad and how I wish he could just be my dad because this uncle of mine is very understanding and considerate
"Hello benji, how are you doing kiddo? Don't tell me you had a fight with your dad again?" he said and can he just let me talk first before he jumps into the conclusion
"Uncle, you always say that when every time I call you"
"Well, I know you better than anyone else and I know my brother for a long time which he has short tempered, but he always felt sorry after what he did. So, you need to understand him benji. Now tell me, did you have a fight with your dad"
"Uncle Alvin, will you let me talk first?" I said and heard him laughing at the background. He really likes teasing me and make me feel annoyed, but I can't do that to him or else our relationship will get a big gap which I don't like to happen
"What do you want then?" – Uncle Alvin
"Nothing, just want to know how you are doing?" I lied so that he wouldn't know I'll visit him because he won't let me in if I say so
"Did you really ask that? Your uncle is always busy and out of town these past few months but it's a great time to give myself a break at all" – Uncle Alvin and he is convinced on what I said at least he wouldn't scold me this time because I won't make any trouble in his studio
"Why do I hear like you're driving? Don't you have classes benji? Or are you cutting class?" – Uncle Alvin
Our class will start at 8am then I'll still have 1 hour, and 30 minutes left before I get late on the first subject, but I know it's Ma'am Lourie which she will be late also
"Benji, why are you not answering me? So, it's true you're cutting classes?" – Uncle Alvin
"Uncle, who would go at this time in class? It's only 7:00am yet students are still in bed taking shower and eating breakfast" I said and I'm almost at his studio
"Well, I did when I was still a college student, and all of my professors are impress of me because I'm always on time never been late in any class that is why I'm a Summa Claude" – Uncle Alvin
Here he goes again with his amazing story way back 90's and I heard it like more than hundred times. My uncle always tells me that legend background which somehow it makes me inspired than to doubt myself, but passion isn't halfway there yet and I'm still looking to what I really want to do in life
"Uncle, I've already heard that stories a hundred times and I know all about it"
"Did I?" – Uncle Alvin
"Yes, you did, and I memorize everything you say. Especially the day you proposed but you got re…" he reacted quickly because he knows what I am going to say, and this made me laugh I remember that night
"Okay stop what you're about to say and when did I tell you that one?" – Uncle Alvin
Sometimes my uncle don't remember what he said to me when he is drunk like I also have a video of him saying a lot of things getting drunk late at night then cry in front of me because he got rejected by the girl he promised to marry but all of a sudden he found out that girl is already engaged with someone else which it is painful enough to see the girl you love is with another man
"Uncle, you're getting old already" I just changed the subject then he's just 39 years old but why do he look like 25 to me?
"Do I? I'm just 39 years old turning 40 on December. I guess I keep forgetting the things I always say to you" – Uncle Alvin and you got that right
"Wait, I'll just call you back and I need to buy something outside for breakfast since I didn't get to eat yet and I'm busy at 10am please don't disturb me at all or I'll block your phone number if that happens Benjamin Choi. Do you understand me?" – Uncle Alvin
"Yes uncle, about that I was…." Then he ends the call before I finish what I'm saying right now. Well, I have no choice to do a surprise visit. I'm almost there and any minute I'll see my uncle, but I hope he's not around so that I could buy his favorite food to make him feel at ease with his work
Now, I'm receiving a lot of nosy messages from my friends, but I put it on DND because I want to relax for awhile before they nag me that much and I know I didn't tell them I'll be staying at my cousin place which it is my first time to do that. I remember when it's my first time staying at the house of mico. For 2 weeks I didn't sleep that much because I always had a nightmare and it's crazy as it is
Then it all happens that I took sleeping pills which almost kill because I took too much, and it affect my health. Charles and Mico scolded me and if they didn't notice that then I wouldn't be here anymore but thanks to James who comfort me without saying anything, but I know he is also mad at me but the thing he bought me vitamins to take and pair of shoes to cheer me up
I'm already here and the parking lot in his studio is spacious. So, I parked my car and hurried to go inside the studio, but he wasn't there, so it means he bought breakfast. Then a door opened, and he is here exactly. My uncle is just shocked as it was before when every time, I visit him
"Surprise uncle" I said
"What are you doing here?" he asked, and he seem not too happy to see me here. I just stood up and about to leave when uncle alvin pull me then let me sit which he prepared the breakfast he bought
"It's your favorite food. By the way, why are you not answering your dad's calls?" uncle alvin said and I don't know if I should give him an exact answer to his question or just let it be
"Not really, is just that I hate hearing him saying about his company and marriage. You know that I'm still young and not yet ready to get into a marriage life" I said honestly because I want him to know the reason why I hate getting engaged when I already know it's an arranged marriage. Then they won't even let me choose who the girl that I want to marry because I'm still waiting for someone, and I promise to myself that I'm the one who's going to design her wedding dress
"I know how you felt back then and you're totally mad at your parents specially to your dad. I already told him not barge or force you into any fixed marriage because I'll definitely kick his ass or abandon him" uncle alvin said and this made me laugh because I know he can't do that, and my dad is only the closes siblings he could ever be with
"Do you like someone right now?" he asked, and I don't know what to say because either I like the girl, I'm not close with or the girl I met before. I just show him the picture and he look closely
"Is this your girlfriend?" then I just laugh, and I know he's a type of person who get curious in everything
"How can she be my girlfriend? If she hates me a lot" I said, and he look at me with calm yet serious gaze
"Maybe you did something that would make her hate you" he said, and it hits me hard
"No, I didn't, I guess so" I said, and he would never stop asking because the last time I stay here, and some girls message me randomly asking me out then he saw every single message I have here in my phone and every detail which he will interrogate me and ask me a lot of questions. Like I'm a criminal and did a big mistake in my life. I can see how serious he is that time, I ignored every question thrown to me and told him that single is the new trending and change the topic
"Anyway, why are you slacking off in my studio this early Benji?" he said, and did he just say slacking off?
My uncle couldn't even say anything better but to offend my feelings but well it's true I went to his studio too early and I'm not slacking off at all. I just want to relax for a bit and play some music here in the studio because it's been a long time since I last played a song, it was my childhood friend favorite music
"I didn't know you still keep my guitar which dad almost broke it because we had a huge fight back then but at least you save it from the danger" I said and start to play it. The sound is still the same and I like it as well
"I remember your childhood friend and bestfriend who visit here in the studio last 5 years ago" he said and I'm glad he still remembers those two even though in different day
"They're not here with me a long time, my childhood friend is studying in USA while my bestfriend went for a pageant all around which I don't know because you know what Ms. Universe do right uncle?" I spoke
"Yeah, I do so, and I remember the girl I should marry but I end being lonely and single" please don't tell me he will say that story again and again
I play a bit of some tone to make the studio livelier and I mixed with guitar sound
It tears my heart out
To see you hurt
And when I'm the one to blame
It doesn't get much worse
I love the sound of my guitar and it's still the same, I didn't know I can still play it without any crack sound
"Wow, you still got the swag on your voice Benji and I just don't understand your dad back then why he hate music so much especially you singing" uncle alvin agree with me and I mean my dad literally hates me to be a singer or an idol
It was never easy
To let us go
We reached the side of love
I hoped to never know
This wasn't what we planned for
I had hopes for us
But everything we've built now
Has crumbled in to dust
"Do you know how much my dad hurt me because he say that music is not that great and it can only destroy my dream but he doesn't even know anything about the taste of music and why he is so aggressive when I mention of being an idol or singer" I said and yes, it was my dream until now even I have second dream to pursue but me and charles only know that yet I didn't tell james and mico about it
"Your dad actually has a past back then which he didn't told you about it" uncle alvin said and I'm not interested anymore because it makes feel cringe with the reason
"Don't tell me and I'll just let dad talk about it if he wants to than hearing it from you" I said and he just nodded
I'll pray it's for the better
That you find what you're looking for
You know I'll always love you
But I loved us more
Loved us more
Ohhh
Loved us more
Ohhh
"I'm glad that you can still use your guitar or else I'll give it away"
"NO WAY UNCLE! THIS IS MY ONE AND ONLY GUITAR GIVEN BY MY CHILDHOOD FRIEND!" I said and it makes me mad when everytime he said he is about to give it away or throw it by means of telling me
I know you've been lonesome
But I'm the same
And I'd be lying if
I said that ever changed
And honest to God
I miss who we used to be
But the journeys long
To make it back for you and me
This wasn't what we planned for
I had hopes for us
But everything we've built now
Has crumbled in to dust
"YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I CHERISH THIS GIFT WHEN I TURNED 17 AND IT WAS THE TIME MY BESTFRIEND MOVE IN THE USA. I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS A GOODBYE GIFT FOR ME THEN HE GAVE ME A PIANO" I did emphasize everything I said to him so that he would definitely understand what I'm feeling right now and the piano is also here which I let him keep it for a while but it's almost 5 years already
I'll pray it's for the better
That you find what you're looking for
You know I'll always love you
But I loved us more
Loved us more
Ohhh
Loved us more
Ohhh
Loved us more
Ohhh
"Can't believe it's been 5 years and I'm still thinking what career I really want to pursue after I graduate" I said
"You told me before you wanted to be a pilot then it suddenly changes into chef to architect then suddenly to engineering to actor to author to model to doctor and until you decided to dream of being an idol" uncle alvin said and I just laugh hard which I didn't know I said a lot of careers but it didn't last long at all and I start to think how, why and what. Full of question either I push myself to the limit and let it be or go on, just do whatever decision you have which lead to something
You know I'll always love you
But I loved us more
I wanna reach out and tell you I love you
But I know it's far too late
We'd build something up but it'd fall through
Your time is too precious to waist
I wish that you'd call me and say that you want me
But it's not the same as before
I'll always love you
But I loved us more
Loved us more
Ohhh
Loved us more
Ohhh
Loved us more
Ohhh
"Remember the time you're such a crybaby and I didn't know that ice cream could make you stop on crying or even piece of lollipop will do" this is what I like with my uncle because we literally go back in the past to remember every moment or memories we have together. When I also runaway then sleep in the house of uncle alvin which is big and like a mansion
You know I'll always love you
But I loved us more
Loved us more
Ohhh
Loved us more
Ohhh
"Benji, I didn't know you're singing a broken hearted song which you are still longing for her and want to get her back but sad to say you want her to be happy more than yourself and let go the love you been keeping for a long time" uncle alvin said and I didn't know he know so much about love but never been in relationship which almost he had one but everything happen for a reason and it's now your time be destined with someone you loved but the time will come and you'll find your true love
Me and my uncle just did a jamming since I won't be attending first class and I prefer spending time here for now because I rarely want to produce music not listen to any discussion in the class. At least uncle alvin won't even notice that it's already pass 8 o'clock and he always talked about a lot of things in the past even though I'm not in favor somehow since they're some parts that made me feel like my life became worthless and memories became worst until the pain will forgotten.
My life sucks and I know it, at least I enjoy being with my friends "I'm happy than before"
******************
Mico POV
There is still no sign of our professor right now and it's already 8:20 which we only have 40 minutes left before the first-class end. Then benjamin is not here wherein we don't know where he has been since yesterday, he didn't go home, and we don't know anything happen to him. We're all good yesterday but he just suddenly disappears beside us then james is always missing then don't ask why. You know what he does and act like a kid when you try to scold him because it's too obvious the way he plays dumb not to notice he's already doing it daily.
Speaking of the playboy, he's finally back here in the room and there is still no sign of benjamin. This time I should ask james seriously if he's doing this to make trouble to his dad or maybe his already into it like a habit of doing it
"James" I called him, and he is still flirting with Dianne
"James" I called him twice now then he didn't hear me out and Charles see how annoyed I am because he knows I hate a person who don't know how to listen. He is one of it, I want to smash and break his face but I can still hold myself for it and I don't anyone to see at me because I'll end up being the center of attention if that happens
"JAMES CRUZ LEE!" I said his full name and he put his attention here then sit beside us since our professor is running late again and again because I know he don't like anyone know his middle name
"What do you want?!" he shouted at me, and everyone look at us
"Are you shouting at me right now?" I said and he put a peace sign
"Sorry about that dude, do you need anything?" he asked
"Sit straight and talk to us now. I know you're having a problem" Charles said, and he just did what he was told to do so
"Are you really rebelling or causing a trouble to make your father know about it? Or you're doing it on purpose already? Because you're becoming like your dad" me and Charles said to him and james aura change into serious and fierce look
"I told not to mention my dad because I won't even talk to any of you if you dare to say it" james warned us and he turned his back to us
"We're just worried about you because it's becoming your habit, and no one will know if you really turn into a playboy then no one will ever want to be with you if that happens" I said
"Then be it, no one can stop me now because I want my dad know how I'm feeling throughout the years and my life became worthless when I lost my mom then he's the reason why she died. Now tell me mico and Charles, what do you think you would feel if that happened to you!" james said and trying to be calm as he could and now were the center of attention in the room. We went to another room with no students at all, we just pulled him out and we look around to check if no one is following us
We decided to go to the principal office instead of the president office since Claire told us to use it but not the big office. But her office is bit far away from here, so we hurried and james just been serious
"That's not what we mean by that, we just really want to know what you're up to after making so much trouble, but your dad still doesn't know about it then we you do believe it's already a habit of yours than rebelling to something" we both explained it to him, and he just look serious until he starts to talk
"Do you know why my cousin claire can't even tell my dad about this even she wants to?" he said and the two of us are curious
"It because she knows everything happen that day when I cause a big trouble that would my dad gone mad, and he beats me till I bled" he said, and we don't know about this one because
"Do you know what's painful that time? My mom is not around anymore then my older sister is out of contact then no one there to help me" no one knows about this story, and he didn't tell us about it. The three of us were clueless and I didn't know his dad could do that to him
"Then my dad hit me with a baseball in the butt then a hard stick on my back that cause a lot of bruises until now is here until my cousin claire saw my dad hitting me non-stop then she butt it which he almost hit her then I stood up to stop him and hold onto Claire's hands to stay away at home then I never went back to that house which make my life a hell and I became visible to them" james explained why he never wanted to hear nor he don't want us to mention his dad in front of him
"Why didn't you even tell us before?" we said, and he just keep it to himself
"Because I don't want to bother you guys because you only think of me as a person who thinks that I'm doing this as habit already" james said and no emotion in his face at all which we can't identify if he is in pain or devastated
"No one is there for me when I'm suffering but only claire who took care of me and let me stay in her house even my dad almost tries to send me off to another school, but I turn against his decision and I'm sick of him talking about arrange marriage and company without asking what I really want to do in my life. I obey all his decision before I lost my mom in my teenage life and now, I lost interest of obeying nor respect him"
"No one knows how I went through my life, how much I suffer, and the pain is still in me which I can forget everything happened to me. They say that learn to forgive but I'm not a type of person who go easily forgiving those who don't even deserve to have it"
"No one knows, I almost kill myself without realizing what's on my mind back then and I'm too depressed because of the pain that my dad causes me and when mom died right in front of me seeing those curve line turns into straight. The feeling your whole world already turn against you like you're all left alone in this cruel life and only yourself as in your existence can help you to stand up and fight the burdens you have in life"
Me and Charles didn't talk but we just listen to everything he will say and now we realize how his life turn upside down. It's not our intention to be rude to him but no one know what he is feeling because he never opens this up to us. So, we don't know if he is okay or just pretending to be
"No one knows anything what's happening to me everyday but only claire who cares about me so much and now other student think that she is biased because they thought that I'm claire's secret boyfriend"
"They talk so much about claire behind my back. I want to answer them but I don't want to expose our relationship of being cousin because they will think it's unfair and she's becoming more biased" james said and he has a point there
"Throughout these past 9 years, I have anxiety, insomnia, and depression. Sometimes I felt frustrated and everything around me keeps me annoyed then suddenly I lost interest of doing the things I like. You can't blame if I act such a kid sometimes but all I want is to be the old me again. No stress and problems to think, but only live like you went back of being a kid again"
"No one knows, how many times I attempt to do suicide, but it only fails because my cousin always stop me and told me that if no one cares about you nor love you then think those people besides you who want to stay by your side even you have a past that you can't even tell still they understand you and supports you. She is the person who stay by my side for almost 18 years even my mom is still alive and claire never hit me because she knows how it feels to be beaten"
I met james back then he was such a sweet, caring and nice kid but he change a bit because he's making a lot of troubles but Claire trying to scold him and telling him to behave but he still the same
"I'm type of person who don't know how to express my feelings nor tell my problem to anyone, but only did I tell that to my cousin" james said and we couldn't say anything at all then now we know some his past which we can't bail him out and asking too much question that would make him avoid it
"Now tell me, how can you say that I'm becoming like my dad? It's because everyday you see me flirt to any girl doesn't mean I'm doing it a habit, but I want to make a lot of troubles that will ruin the reputation of my dad in his company. He never treated me like his own son but let me feel like living in a hell" he asked and neither one of us couldn't answer him
"What if your dad finds out what you're doing in school? What will you do then?" Charles asked
"Then go ahead, do whatever he wants because he can never own me because I already feel like I have no dad at the beginning, been living my whole life as james myself and no one can ever change my mind if I treat him different" james sounds more defensive in his words which may cause him to become a cold hearted person and we don't want that to happen again because he's the worst person you could ever met like he is not the james you know once you see his true color of being cold to everyone around him
"No one knows that the only thing I want is to be loved not seek attention nor want to be rich because money can't buy happiness, love and perfect family. A family who will help and support you with your decision not to force you on something that you don't want to do A family who is always there for you even no matter what happen not that who will take the side of other than their own child. A family will give you advice if you're having a problem, not saying full of excuses" we now understand james more today and how he feels until now which he just keeps the burden by himself because as I can see that he's afraid to get judge people and think he is such a weak person
I already seen a lot of people judge other because of their mistakes, past and weaknesses which make them take advantage of a person. Do you know why people take you for granted? Is because they always think you can give everything, they asked you for and you couldn't say no to them at all. Once you say no, they end up saying bad things behind your back. You don't know what they really want to say to you
But the worst part is when you need help, no one is there for me, and they treat you like a stranger or maybe you don't even exist, nor they don't know at all. That is why I never been nice to anyone, and I saw my cold side than being kind to everyone who would be the same way
"Do you know why I always watch Lilo and stitch up until now? Because they stick and stay together even, they argue at each other but never leave their side. Ohana means family and family should never get left behind. I never felt that ever since I was 14 and both persons, I cherish was never there for me when I needed them the most, that is I'm all alone and the only person I could talk to back then is Claire and Benjamin couldn't comfort me back then because he doesn't know how to but instead, he just gives me space"
"He knows that I don't want to talk to anyone when I feel depressed, stress nor frustrated which I end up saying the things I don't like which you also see that when I turned into a cold person and Claire cried for almost 2 weeks because I didn't talk to her and treat her like nothing which I ignored her feels like she doesn't even exist in my life. After that, I never wanted it to be happened again because I regret it at all, and I don't want to hurt my cousin too much and cause her to cry a lot" I can feel he's in pain because his voice is crack, and his eyes tells that he's having hard time. What if he knows the truth then would he be able to forgive and forget? Or blame himself everything for what happen?
"I keep wondering which isn't letting me move forward of something and I don't know where my life went wrong?" james said but I never seen him cry even he share his problems to us or maybe he is keeping it inside because he'll feel embarrassed if we saw him crying but it's all part of having a worst past in life and worst, we didn't know that he made Claire cry. That is one shocking story
I thought we know everything about james but were wrong and no one knows the real him through the burdens he is feeling which the past keeps holding him back whereas he's thinking which way to go, how to live the life in the fullest, what would make him keep going and why his life turn upside down. Maybe once he knows the truth and he can finally move with his life which he needs to let go of the past
But how come I can't say that to myself "When will I let go of the past? If it still hurts me"