Travel 9. Speak Up

I'm writing because I don't know what else to do. Feeling anxious has become a daily routine.

I have to study for the admission exams, but I can't stop thinking about how come I don't exist in an alternate universe. I am not myself. I am not the daughter of this family, yet I'm the cousin of someone who is the son. Who is in my place. Besides my soul, I only have him.

Trying to focuse on English Literature was a huge mess. I can't collect ideas or think about anything. In this life, I'm still looking for the whereabouts of Nirvana, with no success at all.

-Mom, do you need anything? I'm going to the CDs store with Delia and Delilah.

-No honey, it's okay. We have everything for dinner. Please, come before 6 p.m.

-Sure mom, love you.

I went off my house as fast as I could. I just needed to be alone. Delia was hanging with Oliver, perhaps for some kind of reconciliation. And Delilah, Delia's older sister, is actually in Bath. But there's no need for my mom to know that.

Suddenly, I really wanted to see Harlow. We haven't been together that much these days.

-I never thought you would be into pop punk- said Georgia, hitting Harlow with some Mayday Parade's album.

-To be honest with you, Derek recommended me. He is quite a smart guy, so I listened to him.

-Why are you listening to some kid who is nearly 10 years younger than you?

-So narrow minded, sis. He is pretty smart, just as his sister.

-You've been hanging out a lot with Rebecca lately. Do you like her or...

-What the hell are you talking about? You know I can't stand her.

-Or is it cute Alexandra around?

I blushed. Georgia knew about me? Quite surprised by that.

-Again, what is your problem? She is 14 years old, for God's sake. I'm not a...

-I didn't say you were anything. And let's be honest, she is really pretty. It's a girl? Frankly, not anymore. Is an adult? Very far away from that. It's a teen? Indeed. A hopeless romantic. And to be honest, lil Arlo, she is madly into you.

-How the hell you know these kind of things?

-I'm not that older and your crew is my crew too, I don't know why you sound so surprised.

-It's a girl, for me. It's still young, she just has a crush. It's going to be over any time soon.

-I hope not- said Georgia.

I kept listening. They couldn't see me.

Harlow looked at his sister, confused.

-She looks at you in a way I have never seen any girl doing so. And as an older sister, I wish for you nothing but true love. She seems to have that for you. In a future, of course.

Harlow laughed at her, and I felt something hard on my chest.

-Don't be a fool- he said, tapping his sister's shoulder. Georgia looked at him, fiercely.

-The only fool who doesn't notice it, is you.

I was standing still. It was a cold afternoon, so my hoodie was my best friend when it comes to chilly days. Both of them, couple of fools, didn't notice I was there. Harlow was already 22, what would he want with a kid like me? And Georgia was waiting for what? Me, to have 18, so his brother would like me?

I was sad, but I understand him. Why would I like someone who is 8 years younger than me?

He was a nice guy. He was just trying to be.

I bought some Blink-182 cassettes. Merely decoration on my bedroom.

Walking down the streets, I heard Harlow calling me.

-Hey Alex! What are you up to?

-Going home, you?

-Oh, so Derek told me to listen to Mayday Parade. You know them?

I nodded.

-American dudes. Their songs are great. Lesson in Romantics is my favorite one. And I was the one who introduced them to Derek.

He smiled at me.

-I'll have a listen then. The cover is great tho.

-That's the album from last year. AbsolutePunk gave a rate from 75%, so it's a great one.

-You know a lot about them, right?

-Lately I've been into them.

He walked next to me, quietly. For me, it was comfortable. But he seemed to know I was lowkey sad.

-It's everything all right?

I nodded. We were already in front of my house.

-I'm eventually going to be fine. My parents fought, again.

He hugged me.

-I like you a lot. Don't do that anymore. The feeling is not the same.

He pushed himself back, surprised. I gave him a kiss on his cheek, and walked towards my house.

-Hi babe, would you like to meet me here at the CDs store?

-Yes! Are you there already?

-Yeah, and I must tell you, Sex Pistols are quite everywhere in the discount section.

-Love you- said Harlow, and hung up. Knowing him, he must be getting out of his office no matter what.

It's been so many months since the last time I was here. I used to buy cassettes or vinyls to collect them for no reason at all.

Suddenly, a guy just got into the place with a little kid. The girl was with pink roller skaters. In the moment I thought "that girl is gonna crush something in just a matter of time", she definitely crushed me. Her hand went onto my necklace because she was trying to not fall off. The guy who was with her, probably her brother, tried to help us.

But it was too late. Again, I was accidentally gone.

Luckily, she didn't take off my necklace, but it was a dangerous movement. I didn't worry about Harlow.

But I was curious about where I was. Or when.

By looking around, I realized we were in Plymouth. The sea next to a beautiful port, ships everywhere, lights on in the night.

Really, it is a pretty and calm place. But I was all alone. Why would I be here? I don't have memories in here.

Nirvana wasn't anywhere to be seen, and frankly, I didn't expect her to be here.

There weren't many people outside. Since it was nighttime, I couldn't see any reference of the date. I decided I would hide somewhere in the buildings, next to the port. I found a piece of newspaper in the trash can, and the year dated 1997.

So long ago.

But what if this was just an old piece? I could probably be in the 2000s.

I sat next to a huge wall, and just got all snuggled up. It wasn't the first time I slept like this since traveling, and to being honest, I didn't want to waste my money on an inn or something similar.

Of course, I couldn't sleep. It was a cold night. The thought of rubbing my necklace again hit, but I heard someone crying. It was a woman, and terribly familiar to me.

Scared of my intuitive sense, I was right: it was my mom. I could see her through the lock door. She was sitting in what I supposed, a bed.

I wanted to get in, but I couldn't risk myself at this point. If she ever remembers me, my real present would be a mess. If not, non-existent.

I used all my strength to tear off my t-shirt. It was cold but my coat was still keeping warm my body, so I used this pink-flowered piece of t-shirt as a mask. I should definitely study some field of engineering.

I knocked the door, and she opened. She looked at me, scared, and I could see she got a brush in her left arm.

-Who are you? I swear I don't have money.

She started to cry again, and I was about to do so, too.

-Calm down, calm down, please. I heard someone was crying outside, I needed to check- and gently, I put my hands on her arms.

She looked at me as if she already knew me.

-Have I seen you somewhere? Take off that mask, please.

-I can't do that. What happened in your arm?

She covered it with her hand.

-Nothing.

-Who hurted you? - I insisted. - Are you all alone in here?

-I don't going to answer anything if you don't take that mask off.

-I can't do that. And fine, I'm going to call the police and report it since you're not saying anything.

-NO! - she said, throwing the telephone away when I was about to call emergency number.

It was obvious she was terrified as hell. Her face was a little dirty and that shine in her eyes she always had, has just gone.

And it broke my heart. Even though I have seen her with that bright again, since a little kid, I can't see it now and it kills me.

I saw her ring on the left hand.

-Did your husband hit you?

She looked at me, surprised.

-How do you know I have a husband?

-Because of your ring. You can always put that ring on his eyes, you know that, right?

I was trying hard to not cry. How come she could even have a kid with him?

She just sat in the bed, looking at the floor.

-Let me please, call the police.

-No. I don't want my husband to go to jail. Besides, what would people say? I've been married for 2 years now. Am I divorcing again just because of some argument?

-It is not only an argument. This is fucking abuse!

I have never spoke like that to her. But since she was just a little older, and she doesn't know I'm her daughter, then my ass is saved.

She looked at me and then back at the floor.

-I deserved it, I...

-NO! YOU DIDN'T DESERVE IT! -I screamed, crying. And she was surprised.

-No person in this world deserves violence, no one. Why would you say that? He is a violent person. He is not going to change unless he goes to therapy, and you want to live with someone like that? Who hits you and then leaves you all alone? Wake up! You care more about what people think that your own life?

-I care about my marriage! Do you have a husband? You won't understand anything. Once married, you create a family. He is my family now.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

-Didn't you have love while being a kid? Don't you fucking remember how your dad treated you? Do you think he would be happy if he sees with what kind of jerk his daughter ended up with?

She slapped me hard. And my mask fell off.

-I'm sorry! I'm so sorry, I didn't... Why are you speaking of my father? You don't know about me at all!

When I looked at her, her eyes widened.

-Alexandra?

I tried to look cool, but I don't know how she knew who I was.

-You...

-You were the girl who told me things about your family! I remember you because you were alone in my house!

I'd be damned.

-How did you remember my name? And what year is this?

-I told you Alexandra was a cute name. It's March, 1997. Why would you ask the date?

-Please, call the police. Do you know what kind of marriage would that turn into? It's going to be a mess, and you'll end up losing your whole self. Do you think it's worthy?

-Not because your parents were a shit, it means that my marriage it's going to be like that. Why don't you grow up?

I couldn't help her in any way. She refused so hard.

-Fuck off- I said, extremely angry.

I could hear her apologies while I was already going downstairs. I tried to look after my dad. I didn't find him and probably he was somewhere in London. If she wasn't doing anything, fine. But I need to call the police.

And if after that they never see each other again, then great for me. I won't be existing anyways.

I walked into an alley, where tons of trash cans could warm the place a little bit. It was smelly as hell, but I don't want to waste any money on anything. I wanted to leave but I couldn't do so without doing something.

Talking to my father would be a mistake because he could totally hit me too. He has never done it, but now, I'm a stranger.

-Hey! What are you doing here?

I looked at a young man. He was tall, brunette and rosie cheeks. I knew I had seen him somewhere, but I didn't know exactly where.

-Um... Trying to sleep, I guess?

-Next to some trash cans? Are you hungry?

-No, no, I'm fine. I don't want to waste the little amount of money I have. And if you want to steal to me, then don't try it.

-I was going to the port, it's my turn to work.

Then I knew him, he is George! Well, in Sam's lifetime. He is my crush!

But how come he is here, in 1997? What might be his name in my world?

I thought I was in the past, but obviously, this was a parallel world. It's impossible that my mom wouldn't remember me in my reality.

I looked at him very carefully. A tall man, hazel eyes, long eyelashes... Hmm, Sam indeed had quite a taste.

-My name is Daniel. And yours? - he finally asked.

-Alexandra. So, you work around here?

-Yes, in the port as a guard. I work at afternoons and evenings. And I need to do so in order to support my family.

-Are you married? - I asked, a little disappointed.

-Yes. And my wife is looking forward for a next child, so we must be prepared.

-I'm a student, and I was there because I was taking care of someone.

-What? That someone told you that you'd be more helpful if you just lay down with garbage?

We arrived at the port. It was a freezing night.

-No. I heard... A woman, crying. Her husband hit her and she doesn't want to put a demand on him. I'm scared for her.

Without realizing, tears were already falling.

He put his hands on my shoulder, tapping them.

-Hey, it's fine! But don't do anything. Don't put yourself at risk.

-What? So I should just let her getting hit everytime?

-No, but imagine if you put a demand on the police office. The man will be taken at jail anyways and what if he gets free? He could do something worse to her. Don't complicate the situation anymore.

I looked down. He had a point.

-Do you know his name? Maybe I know who he is.

What will happen if I say it? I didn't care.

-Gregory Viccario.

George, or well, Daniel, looked at me surprised.

-I didn't know he hit his wife. I always thought of them as a lovely couple.

-They are not. And if they ever had kids, it will be a mess, believe me.

-I'm going to talk with him. He needs to learn something.

-How do you know him?

-He is working around here, too. Is Violet okay? I mean, have you seen her?

I nodded. I told him she was at that room, in some inn building. I was still wondering if this man exists in my reality and how come I have never seen him, only as a teen.

Because he really is a grown up man now. Samantha would be delighted to see him.

A light bulb in my head popped up, but my phone was gone. I remembered I left it on my bed.

-So, how do you know them? The Viccarios, I mean.

-I'm an acquaintance of the family. My mom is the aunt of Violet.

Now, that's what they call fast liar.

-Gregory had many problems in his childhood, and I don't mean to justify his actions, of course not, but he has been through some deep shit while being a kid.

-I know- I said. -My mom told me everything and she didn't even know it all by him.

In reality, my aunt was who told her. But it was late, my mom already settled up to finish the marriage.

-I'm going to talk to him and see how can we help in order to not create any inconveniences to Violet. An agressor is not reassured with a complaint on the police. Please, keep in mind that and do not do anything that can put you or someone else in risk.

-Thank you so much, for real. I appreciate your help.

-It's fine. Here, take some chips. You look hungry. And I think you should get home by now.

-I will, eventually. Thanks.

And I sat next to him on the port.