When hope leaves you

I looked up to the sky, then closed my eyes and breathed in salty smell of the sea. Wind plays with my hair, light of the sun warmth me up. Peace and harmony are felt vividly. I feel embraced by the nature, by the true light. I can feel presence behind my back. Berat. Wind, already brought his fresh smell. I feel trust, hope, joy. He approached and wrapped his arms around me. Goosebumps.

- "You smell like life." - He said and took deep breath, smelling my hair

- "You feel like being home again." – I turned around and cuddled him by losing myself and diving into his warmth.

I woke up in hospital room and couldn't open my eyes fully as sun was shining directly to my face. Dreams are ending so fast. I tried to move my legs and felt almost no pain. I remembered, that Berat wanted to pay for my costs and thought it was time to get to the reception and make the payments. Doctor informed previously, that in case if I feel well, I can continue to rest in hotel, so I got, really, hopeful, that maybe this was my last day in hospital.

I checked my phone, Katerina, my best friend sent me voice messages. She had no idea about the adventures, that I am going through. I decided to make a separate video call and tell her about Berat, it's always interesting what your BFF thinks.

I managed to stand up and slowly went to the reception, a woman walking by in a rush hit me and I felt strong strike of pain in left hand, found a stool and sat down. It was not that easy to bear the pain, I felt how tears were coming from my eyes. In hospital everyone was rushing, so no one could help and I took deep breath and stood up, slowly approached reception and made the payments.

I felt like waking up from the magic of morning dream, realizing, that I put too much hope to the car accident to change my life. I transferred all responsibility of my happiness and believed, that line of magical occasions will be by my side all the time. What if, I have to wake up, now? I live in Russia, Berat has his own life in Turkey. Being with him is impossible! Moreover, what if Berat simply feels, that I am a burden and nothing else. What if guilt is the only feeling that keeps him next to me.

Overthinking this issue made me to decide to leave the hospital. I took my baggage and asked doctor to let me leave without even saying anything to Berat. After, promises to the doctor to take care of myself, I managed to check-out from hospital. Doctor and nurses were a bit surprised how sudden was the decision.

Taxi driver helped me out with my baggage and after an hour I was in my hotel room. I opened my laptop right away and started to check emails with one hand and tried to work. At some point, I even started to neglect the pain and used left hand as well. I realized, that I've been working for 4 hours non-stop, when I heard phone call from... Berat... My heart jumped.

- "El? I am leaving hospital now... Why didn't you tell me that you were getting out, I would've helped... Where are you? Tell me I'll come..." - Berat was gentle while talking, that made me feel very irresponsible. I wasn't waiting for him to be this calm and even offering to come.

- "Umm, let's say I had a difficult morning and rushed to get out from hospital. Now I am working, maybe later we can catch up on each other. I need to go, now."

- "At least tell me whether you are ok." – I could hear how his voice was getting sadder and this again was increasing the hope in me, which made me even angrier to myself... and to him for being so kind. No one ever was this kind to me, my last relationship, that ended 3 years ago left me with such scars, that I felt fear of getting through same struggle again.

- "I am good, thank you for asking, thank you for everything, Berat. I need to go. Bye."

- "Bye, princess." – His "Bye, princess" felt like a different type of pain. Pain that sucks the energy out of you, then empties your heart center leaving it with some heavy stone.

I put my head to the table and felt tears coming, my head was full with so many curses made to myself and my decisions. I killed the hope to be happy, without giving it a chance. That was it, I needed Kat's advice. I couldn't bear to hide from her all what happened these days. I facetimed Katerina, she answered right away and as I was fearing her cheerful face turned surprised, shocked and very worried seeing my plastered hand.

- "El, baby, what happened to your arm?! You okay?!"

- "Yes, Kat, it's okay, I will tell you everything one by one now."

- "You better to!!!"

Without rushing, I told everything to her, she got very angry, that I managed to hide so many things, but understood me as she knows I always hide my problems from everyone.

- "Oh, sweetheart. You have only one attitude towards life, that I sincerely hate. I accept, you've been left alone during the most painful times of your life and you always got through problems alone. But hiding being in a hospital, in a different country. Isn't this, too much? Same thing with Berat, I got so happy to see light in your eyes and hope for the first time after your ex. I know the bullshit, that you went through with your ex and because of him you run away from Berat without even giving a chance to be friends, at least!"

- "I know him for only a few days and miss him insanely, just, because I was away from him for a day! A day! Can you get it? This is too dangerous! I don't want to fall for a foreigner that I don't even know!"

- "Don't you always say, everything that happens, happens for better? Use your own belief and don't betray yourself, I guess you just like to be a victim of situations, take responsibility of your own life and please don't ruin everything. You deserve to be happy and right now you are the only barrier in front of it. Sorry, for being honest, but I love you and I am so freaked out right now that you can ruin the hope in possible love opportunity."

- "You are... You are, actually, right. I will call him and if he is not mad at me I even, will try see him."

- "Yes, Girl! So this my baby girl making good decisions there!"

- "Hahaha! Love you Kat, for real! Bye bye!"

- "Love you too! Bye!"

Time to take whole my inner power and find the courage to call Berat, now.