Time to leave

Faruk took a sip from coffee and continued with worry in his face.

- "Berat is not honest with you. You will see now" - He took out his mobile phone and played a voice message. "Yes, El is a fine girl, bro. But it's nothing real" – I stopped breathing; it was Berat's voice. "She is cute and all, but I only care about my followers, so who gives a fuck what is going to be between us." His words shattered me. I felt how whole my world is ruining in front of my eyes.

- "Why..."

- "Because, we earn from it. From views and being a streamer who has views gets you in trends faster."

I remembered how Berat told that he got many new subscribers and people went crazy from his gaming with me, rather alone. I still wanted to listen to him. To talk to him.

- "Why you betrayed him?" - I was still wondering, what could make Faruk to tell me the truth.

- "El... I.. I think you deserve more than a guy, who uses you. I am ready to lose whole my friendships for you. I want you to come with me. I feel some serious thing to you. Had no idea how to come out. I can rent for you much better flat. You can live there alone before deciding whether you can trust me or not..." - I knew, that Faruk was very rich but telling such things to me made me feel uncomfortable. I wanted to leave. I felt how tears are coming out from my eyes.

- "Get out... I don't feel well now..."

- "No, I don't want to live you alone!" – he wanted to reach out and looked like he wanted to grab me, what freaked me out. My past. Time when I was very close to get raped. I don't know why those memories came, but fear that I was running from, came out... Panic attack hit. I unintentionally slapped Faruk

- "GET OUT! GET OUT NOW!!!" – I was screaming like crazy and felt how panic attack gets fiercer. Faruk left without telling anything looking shocked. I took my clothing and left. I had no idea, where I was going, what I was going to do. In tears, devastated, remembering everything clearly. Those feelings and never-ending phycology sessions to forget "that night".

It was rainy outside. I found a taxi and asked him to bring me to airport. I decided to go and live for several days in Cappadocia, that came to my mind. We always were dreaming with Berat to make a vlog there. He even planned in which hotel to live, where to walk and where to make video shooting. I wasn't feeling bad about Berat, I just was not able to.

When I was betrayed by my ex, first thing to do was running. This time I wanted to face all my emotions. This time wanted all my emotions, even negative ones, to have right to simply exist.

I bought tickets and in a day I was already in Cappadocia – magical place. I was shocked with its beauty. Berat was telling, every person at least once in a life should see Argos in Cappadocia, so after my check-in in hotel I went to see the best places there. I was walking through the mountains, history was everywhere, beauty of nature was healing so fast that I felt regret for the money, that I spent on psychologists.

In the mornings I was meditating and rooting with ground, tried to open my heart chakra. To feel love and to believe in my karma.

Berat is my soul's next challenge. He came to heal me from my past, I believed. To bring a strong lesson. This betrayal will show how sincere and caring I am to my own soul. Tearing apart from missing him, hating him and trying to keep myself altogether, I tried to find peace by forgiving.

I changed my phone number and wasn't entering my email addresses. Wasn't using internet at all. First things first, I chose healing.

After, my morning meditation, I was entering the hotel room, when saw by my door a box saying my name on it. "He found me?"- I thought of Berat. My heart started to beat faster and I was wondering what is inside. Guess, meditation helped, I felt no hate, just curiosity.

I opened the box and found a camera in it with a note – "Play the last words. Please. Berat". I hesitated and understood, that he is somewhere here. He found me. How he could risk looking for me specifically here, what if I am in Russia.

In just few weeks after being together, he knows me even better than I do. I decided to play it. The moment, that I saw Berat's face in the video, tears dropped down face, my heart was tearing apart and I could understand why. I missed him like crazy.

- "Hi, princess." – he said with very sad and tired face. He looked like ill. My heart was not ready for this much emotions, I felt how it got more difficult to breathe. – "I never betrayed you. Please, let me tell the whole story. I've tried to reach you out... That was Faruk's idea to make a prank and house was already full of cameras. He hid them, when you were making a coffee for him. The voice message was fake, baby. I am dying here thinking of you and how sad you are thinking of everything that was between us being a lie. Its not, El I love you. I love you with whole my heart!"

This was his first confession. I didn't know what to feel, image was blurred due to my non-stopping tears.

- "I reached Katerina, to get why you got so scared when Faruk reached to hug you, he had no bad intention I can swear, I was near to kill that idiot, but he was shocked and in deep regret for doing the prank. Kat told me about your past. Night, when you were walking home alone and those fucking guys who tried..." - he got silent and couldn't end the sentence, I saw tears coming from his eyes. I never saw him crying, even when he was deeply sad.

Unintentionally, I remembered how my ex reacted, knowing why I was in a depression. First thing he asked was - "Did they managed to do what they wanted to do? You better be honest with me. I don't want to deal with a physio!" I remember how I was swearing, that I managed to run away from them. I felt myself dirty, just because I was close to the occasion, I had no guilt of. After, years I was hating myself this time, that I didn't ended that toxic relationship, but did everything to keep it, to be worthy.

- "I want to say. Kat told me what you've been through and I want to say one thing; you deserve everything my Moon, my life. Please, bring back my harmony to me. I remembered, how you got excited about Cappadocia and you won't imagine how happy I got to find you in the places, that we planned to be in. I was watching you this morning meditating and videotaped this message to tell you to come to the hotel's terrace at 7pm. I want to reach you but want to give you a little more time. Maybe you will turn on your phone and read the messages and understand, I won't ever betray you. Love you. Be safe."