L_StellaLuna

The sound of guns...
The darkness...
The smoke...
Then, oblivion.

Everyday, I am haunted by my nightmares.

Everytime the thunder roll and lightning strikes, I shivered.

Looking outside my window,
I am writing my daily journal and poetry today...
To release all the pains and tensions from my past.

And I wrote..

December 18, 1980
Myshkin, Russia

My beloved,

Have you ever ask yourself...
What's your life purpose? 
If..
Are you doing the right thing?
Are you on the verge of confusion, loneliness, unhappiness and being stagnant?
Day dreaming into your own world?

Too much questions filled in your heart and mind.
Too much of everything that you don't want.
Too much!

To clear out my confusion and to have more clarity about myself, I dig deeper inside me.
Reminiscing my childhood moments and cherish them.
Facing the darkest and painful moments of my memories.
Those memories of repeating horror, memories of loss, memories of death.

Yes, I did face it all.
I cried hard.
After decades of those patterned memories...
This is the first time that I realized..
How I treated myself so badly.

And I really wanted to give back to myself.
By appreciating my past.

Appreciate yourself more...
Love yourself more...
And you will discover more...

I have discovered each words, all feelings, expression, harmony just fits well to take steps in writing this poem for my past.

***A LETTER FOR MY PAST SELF***

My dearest self in the past...
I have been visiting you lately in a vast...
You are carefree, immature and FEARLESS,
You go out more, loving the sun and grasses,
Full of sweat and sun-kissed from above.

Joyous days, feet touching stones and green
Oh How glorious those days have been
Flowing like water in every storms within
And wind touches, caressing my skin
Telling me, It's ok dear, everything has it's purpose".
A path full of journey and a dead rose

All those rise and fall, I am with you...
All those tears and laughter, I am with you...
I am always with you til the end of time.
You have no choice, we are both destined.

Oh loving sun and dreamy moon,
Grace us the light in our path divine,
My past self, I thank you!
For the wonderful memories...
In my troubled present, found peace in you.

Beatrix
**********************************************

As I closed my journal...
I just hear my Nana's footsteps and call out.
"My princess, it's dinner time. Don't forget your coat, it's a bit freezing today!."
"Yes, coming Nana!." I checked myself in the mirror for the last time, before sharing the table with Nana.
The beauty in the mirror speaks of simplicity and elegance.
I'm tall at my age of 15, around 183cm, with soft silver wavy hair and emerald green eyes.
I'm looking at the reflection of my mother.
And before my tears fall.
"Beatrix?" A hint of annoyance in Nanas voice.
"Yes, sorry Nana."
Then, we silently eat our beetroot soup.

In the same month, in different year.
Our mother gather all of us, her children, near the fireplace hearth, made of granite and marble stone.
My eldest brother Maxim played the piano while my older sister Annika played the flute. While me and my mom, cheerfully singing.
Then, our beloved father Dimitri, joined us in our joyfulness.

Amidst our liveliness, the commotion outside the House of Oblonsky raised our fears.
People shouting with torches and guns.
My father Dimitri was stunned.
I'm crying in horror.
I hugged my father...for the last time.
When....
My small voice... bellowed "NO!!!!"
"Mama, Papa..."
"Maxim, Annika..."












￼

THE LAST HEIRESS OF OBLONSKY, BEATRIX

Nana's telephone calls delayed our departure.


Lada is a little bit confused but calm.


Lada and I, decided to write our journals.


Blessings to you, my sweet and loving present self,


You are tough and stoned, have a relief.


Breath in the air of my shadow and care...


Please release those anxieties and fears.


Our Oneness will hold strength of stance.


The guidance and blessings you deserve,


I know, our journey together will move you forward,


Like drop of water tapping into the lake of infinity.


Nana's voice, awakened us from our day dreaming.


I was shocked seeing our big suitcase, next to her.


I don't even dare to asked Nana of why we need such big suitcase.


Lada asked in whisper "Is everything alright Nana? Why such a big suitcase?"


Nana replied "Amelia will have a vacation to Alaska".


She added "Don't worry, we will enjoy the Music Festival. Leonid will meet us there. Before the break of dawn, we will travel to Alaska in a different boat. Leonid will bring Lada back home. I'm sorry Lada, if it's quiet a rush decision. But we will need to meet a family in Alaska very soon for an important reasons.


"That's making me sad but whatever it is, hope everything is going well in your favor. I will surely missed Amelia" while looking at me and holding my hands tight.


"Let's go and hurry, we are out of time". Nana said briefly.


We put on our hand gloves, coats and winter head scarves.


A Wartburg 353 car is waiting outside for us.


On the driver's seat is the company's driver of Leonid.


He opened the door for the ladies to come in.


We traveled a few minutes going to the port.


And embark immediately and settled ourselves in a warm cabin.


We removed our coats and hang them near the heater.


Then Lada breaks the silence "I have some cookies here in my handbag."


A crew comes in and served us some tea to warm up.


We gladly thank Lada and the boat crew, we have enjoyed it.


Then, we rested in a warm cozy bed for a nap.


We are in the middle of our voyage when Nana heard commotion overboard.


Nana wake us up and whisper in each of our ears.


And we quietly moved ourselves to the fire exit at the back of the cabin.


When we heard footsteps going down to the cabin.


THE VOYAGE