L_StellaLuna

The sound of guns...
The darkness...
The smoke...
Then, oblivion.

Everyday, I am haunted by my nightmares.

Everytime the thunder roll and lightning strikes, I shivered.

Looking outside my window,
I am writing my daily journal and poetry today...
To release all the pains and tensions from my past.

And I wrote..

December 18, 1980
Myshkin, Russia

My beloved,

Have you ever ask yourself...
What's your life purpose? 
If..
Are you doing the right thing?
Are you on the verge of confusion, loneliness, unhappiness and being stagnant?
Day dreaming into your own world?

Too much questions filled in your heart and mind.
Too much of everything that you don't want.
Too much!

To clear out my confusion and to have more clarity about myself, I dig deeper inside me.
Reminiscing my childhood moments and cherish them.
Facing the darkest and painful moments of my memories.
Those memories of repeating horror, memories of loss, memories of death.

Yes, I did face it all.
I cried hard.
After decades of those patterned memories...
This is the first time that I realized..
How I treated myself so badly.

And I really wanted to give back to myself.
By appreciating my past.

Appreciate yourself more...
Love yourself more...
And you will discover more...

I have discovered each words, all feelings, expression, harmony just fits well to take steps in writing this poem for my past.

***A LETTER FOR MY PAST SELF***

My dearest self in the past...
I have been visiting you lately in a vast...
You are carefree, immature and FEARLESS,
You go out more, loving the sun and grasses,
Full of sweat and sun-kissed from above.

Joyous days, feet touching stones and green
Oh How glorious those days have been
Flowing like water in every storms within
And wind touches, caressing my skin
Telling me, It's ok dear, everything has it's purpose".
A path full of journey and a dead rose

All those rise and fall, I am with you...
All those tears and laughter, I am with you...
I am always with you til the end of time.
You have no choice, we are both destined.

Oh loving sun and dreamy moon,
Grace us the light in our path divine,
My past self, I thank you!
For the wonderful memories...
In my troubled present, found peace in you.

Beatrix
**********************************************

As I closed my journal...
I just hear my Nana's footsteps and call out.
"My princess, it's dinner time. Don't forget your coat, it's a bit freezing today!."
"Yes, coming Nana!." I checked myself in the mirror for the last time, before sharing the table with Nana.
The beauty in the mirror speaks of simplicity and elegance.
I'm tall at my age of 15, around 183cm, with soft silver wavy hair and emerald green eyes.
I'm looking at the reflection of my mother.
And before my tears fall.
"Beatrix?" A hint of annoyance in Nanas voice.
"Yes, sorry Nana."
Then, we silently eat our beetroot soup.

In the same month, in different year.
Our mother gather all of us, her children, near the fireplace hearth, made of granite and marble stone.
My eldest brother Maxim played the piano while my older sister Annika played the flute. While me and my mom, cheerfully singing.
Then, our beloved father Dimitri, joined us in our joyfulness.

Amidst our liveliness, the commotion outside the House of Oblonsky raised our fears.
People shouting with torches and guns.
My father Dimitri was stunned.
I'm crying in horror.
I hugged my father...for the last time.
When....
My small voice... bellowed "NO!!!!"
"Mama, Papa..."
"Maxim, Annika..."












￼

THE LAST HEIRESS OF OBLONSKY, BEATRIX

The sounds of the footsteps is getting closer.


Nana is trying to find a a life boat at the back of the fire exit door.


And hopelessness arise when there's nothing to be found.


She whispered "In whatever happens, do not leave without the other. You will be stronger when together. Amelia, I love you so dearly."


"I love you too Nana...to the Moon and back." I shivered.


I felt relieved when we are able to be out from the back door of the kitchen.


Princess Beatrix is still unconscious under the towel.


The little Princess has a gun shot wound on her shoulder.


I'm running to the barn to get a saddleback.


And called "Dolly" the American Saddlebred horse of Beatrix.


I need to be fast before anyone could see us.


I returned to the place where I hide the little Princess.


And raise her up to the horse in lying position and ride with her on it.


"Dolly! Quick!" I thump her to signal to run.


We run through the woods with fears and worries.


I have been praying that nobody will caught us.


A merchants carriage, meet us in the middle of the rough roads.


"Sir, have mercy! I need your help. I need a physician for the little child. She's wounded." I cried.


He then help Irina to bring the child quickly to his closest physician near the vicinity.


"Lucky child, we are able to remove the bullet on time. She's safe now." The physician said in relief.


I'm very happy and glad that Beatrix made it.


"Thank you Doctor" we thanked in chorus.


"I thank you sir, for all your help! " 


"Call me Leonid..." The mister said graciously.


Leonid removed his gloves and reach out his hands to shake.


Irina wiped her hands and responded to shake.


Irina and Leonid started to open up themselves, became friends.


Leonid help Irina and Beatrix to escape from Oblonsky territory.


The same day as the bullet removed from the child. 


Irina holding the bullet shell and kept it inside her pouch securely, for the future.


The child is still unconscious, lying in her lap,inside the carriage.


Leonid is a merchant of guns and ammunition.


We have traveled a day to Latvia using a carriage.


We bring along "Dolly" with us for Beatrix.


Leonid is a fine young man in mid thirties.


And living alone, his parents died when he was 20 and left with a small scale manufacturing business of guns and ammunition.


He started to travel to different countries for business trips to improve the business status.


He was thought by his father on how to become a successful merchant since he was young.


"Don't move!?!" The armed men, keep on shouting on us.


But Lada and Beatrix kept holding on to themselves.


"Please... I beg you, spare the girls". Nana plead.


The leader of the group, walked in front of the girls.


The girls, shook their heads in response.


The leader turned around and look at Irina.


"Now  you tell me! Where is the heiress?"


Irina responded calmly. "They are my kids. I do not know the whereabouts of the Heiress Sir." 


"You are lying! " The leader shouted in disgust.


"Tie them up and bring them all, overboard!" He commanded.


THE CAPTURE