L_StellaLuna

The sound of guns...
The darkness...
The smoke...
Then, oblivion.

Everyday, I am haunted by my nightmares.

Everytime the thunder roll and lightning strikes, I shivered.

Looking outside my window,
I am writing my daily journal and poetry today...
To release all the pains and tensions from my past.

And I wrote..

December 18, 1980
Myshkin, Russia

My beloved,

Have you ever ask yourself...
What's your life purpose? 
If..
Are you doing the right thing?
Are you on the verge of confusion, loneliness, unhappiness and being stagnant?
Day dreaming into your own world?

Too much questions filled in your heart and mind.
Too much of everything that you don't want.
Too much!

To clear out my confusion and to have more clarity about myself, I dig deeper inside me.
Reminiscing my childhood moments and cherish them.
Facing the darkest and painful moments of my memories.
Those memories of repeating horror, memories of loss, memories of death.

Yes, I did face it all.
I cried hard.
After decades of those patterned memories...
This is the first time that I realized..
How I treated myself so badly.

And I really wanted to give back to myself.
By appreciating my past.

Appreciate yourself more...
Love yourself more...
And you will discover more...

I have discovered each words, all feelings, expression, harmony just fits well to take steps in writing this poem for my past.

***A LETTER FOR MY PAST SELF***

My dearest self in the past...
I have been visiting you lately in a vast...
You are carefree, immature and FEARLESS,
You go out more, loving the sun and grasses,
Full of sweat and sun-kissed from above.

Joyous days, feet touching stones and green
Oh How glorious those days have been
Flowing like water in every storms within
And wind touches, caressing my skin
Telling me, It's ok dear, everything has it's purpose".
A path full of journey and a dead rose

All those rise and fall, I am with you...
All those tears and laughter, I am with you...
I am always with you til the end of time.
You have no choice, we are both destined.

Oh loving sun and dreamy moon,
Grace us the light in our path divine,
My past self, I thank you!
For the wonderful memories...
In my troubled present, found peace in you.

Beatrix
**********************************************

As I closed my journal...
I just hear my Nana's footsteps and call out.
"My princess, it's dinner time. Don't forget your coat, it's a bit freezing today!."
"Yes, coming Nana!." I checked myself in the mirror for the last time, before sharing the table with Nana.
The beauty in the mirror speaks of simplicity and elegance.
I'm tall at my age of 15, around 183cm, with soft silver wavy hair and emerald green eyes.
I'm looking at the reflection of my mother.
And before my tears fall.
"Beatrix?" A hint of annoyance in Nanas voice.
"Yes, sorry Nana."
Then, we silently eat our beetroot soup.

In the same month, in different year.
Our mother gather all of us, her children, near the fireplace hearth, made of granite and marble stone.
My eldest brother Maxim played the piano while my older sister Annika played the flute. While me and my mom, cheerfully singing.
Then, our beloved father Dimitri, joined us in our joyfulness.

Amidst our liveliness, the commotion outside the House of Oblonsky raised our fears.
People shouting with torches and guns.
My father Dimitri was stunned.
I'm crying in horror.
I hugged my father...for the last time.
When....
My small voice... bellowed "NO!!!!"
"Mama, Papa..."
"Maxim, Annika..."












￼

THE LAST HEIRESS OF OBLONSKY, BEATRIX

A humming voice in my lavatory is enticingly beautiful.


Nobody told me that we have a visitor in my own house!


I smell the sweet scents of the essential oils.


I was out for two days for camping and hunting, with my friend Carter in York Mountain.


And these... I'm supposed to sleep peacefully in my bed tonight!


I'm talking to myself while watching the beautiful bay at night.


The doors of the lavatory slightly opened.


In front of me is an angel...silver wet hair dripping..body covered only with a towel.


Her heart-shaped lips, green emerald eyes with long lashes, slightly upturned nose.


And a bullet mark in her right shoulder?


"Who are you? what are you doing here in my room?" She asked.


She sounded like a one hell of a woman!


"Do I need to answer your question? " I answered annoyingly.


"I'm supposed to asked you that!" in my fake angry voice.


" I...never knew...that this is someone else's room! " she stammered.


She run through the dresser table , put down the candles and grab her hand bag.


A girl in her teens knows how to use a pistol?


And she moves in a refined and elegant manner too!


I laughed at the thought that her eyes is feasting on me.


Then...I saw hot flashes all over my face.


"Are you satisfied with my looks?" I asked teasingly.


"You are the most impertinent, rowdy guy that I have ever met! You go out of my room..NOW!" She hollered.


"Olivia!?!?!" "Master Jones!?!?!" "Specialist Magnusen!?! O God..where are these people!"  she exclaimed.


"Well, well, well...Did my younger brother Mikael brought you here? " I said.


"O Yes! My brother...the prim and proper and a gentleman. You're too skinny for me. Better change clothes or you'll die in cold." I blatantly said.


I really do not want to go out from the room.


Holding her in my arms in bed would be more delightful.


I do not want her to be infuriated with me.


Mikael has alot of explanation tommorow.


How could he bring a girl in my house without permission.


I lay down in the couch and drift into sleep.


When....someone just squealed from my room.


I run through the stairs and check on the house visitor.


It's still in wee hours..I felt groggy.


I opened the doors and saw the girl in bed.. restless.


I approached the bed and started to shake her right arm.


She suddenly move her body into a fall from bed.


I catched her swiftly in my arms and ended in the floor.


THE BROTHER