| Journey of No Return (Part II)

"Are you a woman? Are you a woman!?" The soldier was stuck on this question as his eyes remained stuck staring at her face.

Soo-Ah wrestled as much as she could, unwilling to give up on setting herself free from his hold. But her initial assumption, that she would not stand a chance against this hefty soldier, was correct. Her throat became parched, her heart pounded against her chest and icicles ran down her spine. She was terrified, thinking, "This is it. He is going to rape me. He is going to act his nature out. Like all the other evil men. He is going to rape me, and I can do nothing about it." The soldier's eyes were a mix of shock, curiosity and an unknown urgency that scared her to the core.

Seeing he could not get to her pants, nor get a clear answer, the man focused his attention on her breastplate armour. He had the idea to take it out of the way and see for himself the true shape of his chest All he had to do was to untie the armour's bindings from the shoulder and those on the side. That he could reach.

With skilled movements, he untied the bindings and took the plate out of the way. He let go of Soo-Ah's hands to tear open the uniform shirt, the sound of ripping fabric silencing all the commotion for a split second.

Soo-Ah's eyes grew wide in disbelief. With every ounce of desperation, she held inside and finding her hands free, she began to hit his chest. To her dismay, she felt no resistance.

Her companion's face was now in shock, looking at her covered chest which still resembled that of a woman despite the wrappings. The man started to back away, gasping while Soo-Ah was covering herself up.

"...You are a woman!" he said as he brought his hands to his mouth, unable to contain his surprise.

"What if I am a woman? Stay away from me, you freak! How dare you touch me! I am going to split open your guts if you put your hands on me again!" Soo-Ah was so rabid with anger and fear that she yelled out all the profanities that came to her in rapid succession. And there were a lot of them as if attempting to counterbalance the terror that took hold of her.

"I'm sorry… I just… You were… You had blood and… I... Thought you were hurt. You wouldn't say anything true… I... I had to know… What on earth are you doing wearing men's clothes?"

"Keeping myself safe from the likes of you, you filthy monster!"

"Oh… A disguise… I see… Are you hurt? I'm sorry if I hurt you. Here, let me help you." His tone was that of a child, knowing he did something wrong, and trying to make amends.

"Stay away. Don't come any closer!" she quickly crawled back when he approached her, leaving the soldier standing awkwardly. "Look what you did to my clothes. Look what you did to my hands!" said Soo-Ah showing her ripped shirt and her red wrists.

"Sorry about your blouse. Here – you can take mine." He began to undress himself to offer his clothes as penance for what he did.

Soo-Ah snatched the shirt out of his hands. "You better not tell anyone else about this or I will slit your throat," she menaced, willing to do the deed with her angry stare.

"But you cannot go on disguising yourself forever. The general's camp is a safe place. You will see… We should arrive there by nightfall. Rest assured nothing will happen to you. Does the general know what you are?"

"I don't care! I just want you to stay away from me now!" She kept her arm extended to make sure the man was keeping his distance.

In the end, the soldier had to shake off his dismay and his guilt and try to reconnect with his female companion. "Hear me out… I am truly sorry. For hurting you and for scaring you. I promise I will not do anything to you. As far as I am concerned you are still a guy, a soldier… a friend. Ok?"

But it was clear to Soo-Ah that her companion's eyes were no longer looking at her as if she was a mere comrade. Not after he ripped off her blouse and stared at her barely covered bosom.

Where could she run? What could she do? What would this guy blurt about her at camp? She could run away. Steal the horse and flee. But she first needed to take care of that ratched bleeding.

When she returned from finding some privacy and fixing her appearance, her companion was already waiting for her on the horse, as if he suspected her intentions to run away. She had no other option than to take his hand and accept his help to mount. She would have to find another opportunity.

However, the opportunity to escape from the soldier never came.

The man never said another word to her as they travelled the rest of the way except to ask her for water or food. There were no more stops until they reached the camp. Coming closer to the makeshift palisade Soo-Ah's eyes remained fixated on the flags and banners, adorning an emblem she was not familiar with. The first sign she was no longer home.

Passing the entrance of the field camp, her captor -saviour, -fellow soldier, -whatever he was, silently saluted his comrades, who were looking at him, asking questions in his wake as to why he returned without the general. But the dutiful man continued walking, leading her as a guest toward the general's tent.

General Sung-Ho's camp was a clear example of military rigour. The tents lay neatly in long rows at a precise distance. Only the faded burgundy cloth and the churned mud were an indication that the camp had seen its fair share of adventures. The general's tent was the largest structure and was adorned with gold trimmings. By the entrance, on each side, stood banners holding the crest of his troops, a wild boar.

Pushing the entrance cover aside, he showed Soo-Ah in. "You will be safe here. I will be back to bring you food and water to wash. And a change of clothes."

Taking a long pause, he spoke again. "I should have presented myself earlier. Forgive my lack of manners in the spur of so much happening." He bowed lower than it was customary. "My given name is Do-Yun, of Seorabeol, proudly serving in his majesty's army as part of the cavalry."

When he rose, there was a more familiar air about him. "What is your real name? I guess it is not Soo-Yun after all."

"I am of Hansanju, granddaughter of General Min-Jun of the Jun clan, named Soo-Ah.... Lady Jun Soo-Ah." She introduced herself, feeling awkward to take on Min-Jun's entire noble legacy. It was enough that using the honorifics sounded awkward in her mouth.

"I am honored to serve you, my lady Soo-Ah. Please settle in. I will be right back." He exited to find a number of his comrades waiting to hear some explanations.

The voices of men talking slowly faded away. Do-Yun better held his tongue, or she would be sure to cut him down even in spirit form.

Soo-Ah remained looking around the tent, at the plain rice straw mat, the beautifully carved desk on the side, the boar-carved sculpted chairs around the small dining table, the elegant painted wood screens hiding secret areas and what looked like a comfortable bed hidden away by silk curtains. Everything here spelled luxury, unlike anything she had seen in her grandfather's tent, who did not prize such things. But Sung-Ho's possessions were without a doubt a token of this noble family's influence and wealth. She realised she was inside General Sung-Ho's tent. A man's lair.

A shiver swiftly came over her. She could not believe she was safe because she did not feel it. It was true she had come to a long distance with an unknown man, and she was still in one piece. And though he had manhandled her on the way, due to a misunderstanding, he was a perfect gentleman afterwards. Was it just a farce? Or was he too afraid of his General? He did have a fierce aura. No matter. If Do-Yun or anyone else would try to abuse her she still had her blade, and she would make sure to keep it close.

But maybe she would be safer anywhere else. Despite being so far away from her old encampment Soo-Ah felt the urge to go back and see for herself what was left of it. What her grandfather's fate brought forth. Maybe, by some miracle, he was safe and was asking about her. Maybe this "too-full-of-himself" General was able to save him.

Who was she fooling? That lousy man was the first one ready to flee and tear her apart from her only living family in the process. What a lousy excuse for a General of the Great Silla Kingdom he was. She did owe him her life, but that only increased her frustration with him. One thing was for sure, she did not want to spend any more time here. She needed to go back, make her peace and then she would see what Fate put in store for her future. The night had to go pitch black for her plan to work and she should save some of the food for the road, from that which the soldier was bringing her.

True to his word, Do-Yun did not take long to bring her dinner, a basin of water to freshen up and some clothes. Some women's clothes. "Thank you for the food." She glared at him when she saw the woman's attire. "And for the clothes, Soldier Do-Yun."

He understood the meaning behind her stare. "As I said before, My Lady, no need to hide anymore and I do not think you would want any of my men's clothes anyway. It's hard to come by some clean ones. Those I brought you were borrowed from the gisaeng we have here to entertain the soldiers. I hope you are not offended. They are clean at least." Seeing that the woman kept her tongue, he decided not to linger around. Before he exited the tent Do-Yun stopped and added, "The general should be back soon but if you need anything just ask for Do-Yun. Have a good night, Lady Soo-Ah." As if he were saying goodbye to a noble lady, he saluted her respectfully and left.

"Good night, Soldier Do-Yun." Soo-Ah mouthed unsure if the man had heard her.

Soo-Ah needed to tend to her monthly issue anyway and a pair of fresh clothes would feel good. She would keep her sword and still wear her armour plate. Those were now the only things she had to remember her grandfather by. The armour, the sword he gifted her after finishing her training and the medicine in her sack that was no longer needed. Or maybe, by some miracle; Soo-Ah felt tears rising again. But she needed to keep the focus on the task ahead, watch for when the road would be clear and sneak out.

Luckily Do-Yun also brought her a long cape thinking she might need it on the cold night of the early Month of the Tiger. That could be used to hide her figure and make her look a little less conspicuous. She looked at it with hope in her eyes.

Soo-Ah had been dressing as a man for so long that she had forgotten her body would fit in a woman's dress. The neatly folded pile appeared to be mocking her from where it sat on Sung-Ho's bed. But it felt so soft to the touch, inviting her to try it on. When she took the first garment from the pile a strange-looking bundle dropped to the floor. Soo-Ah realized what it was.

Regarding her monthly cycle, her grandfather could only share the little information that he knew, and even that proved embarrassing for him. But now she was holding in her hands the special wrapped pads she only heard talk about and never dared to inquire more. Soo-Ah sighed in relief Do-Yun was no longer here. She imagined him with his hefty stature, awkwardly inquiring about such delicate womanly things and could not help the hint of a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.

First, she slipped into the pants-like underwear that looked so flimsy as if she risked losing them with ample movements. In her angst, she double-tied the wrapping of the sanitary pads to feel comfortable. This had been the easy part. The trouble began when it came to tying the jeogori jacket in the correct order. In the end, she remembered Ha-Rin Noona hands looping the ribbons and she tried to mimic the movements. Now, all it took was to get into the chima long skirt that should have draped her from her upper chest to the floor. It was not new or glamorous but in good condition. She glided her hand over the softness of the material, as she put it on, but it was as if she was not caressing the silk. The silk caressed her body in a soothing embrace, the most sensual feeling she experienced to this date.

This had been a more difficult job than she anticipated but by the end, she was proud of herself until she tried to walk and almost tripped in the long material. The dress was delicate and, without doubt, beautiful but so impractical for her plans. It only took one look at the simple shoes for Soo-Ah to decide she would at least keep her boots on. And her hair remained styled in a manly bun. As night fell, she covered herself with the cape, packed the food into her backpack and slipped out of the tent.

Now where to find the horses? Filtering out the manly chatter and usual camp noises at night, Soo-Ah focused her attention on identifying the neighing of the horses close by. She followed their lead to find the stables, quickly securing a mare, taking advantage that no one was around. Holding the reins of the well-trained animal, she walked slowly through the camp so as to not draw attention. As she expected, not a lot of the people around looked her way. Keeping her boyish looks was a good idea. She just hoped no one would notice the dress peering from under the cape.

As she was coming close to the exit from the camp, she thought she heard some marching noises from afar, out of the encampment. Then someone quickly called from behind. "Hey, you there! Where do you think you are taking that horse? Stop right there!"

Soo-Ah kept walking, despite the soldier's command and looked around for a quick exit. There was nowhere to run since the way in front of her was gradually blocked by countless soldiers returning from her old encampment. In the first line stood a man who appeared to be the leader.

Behind her, a couple of soldiers were approaching to investigate as well. No way to easily escape. She could try to force her way out. So, taking out her hwandudaedo from where it was hidden in the folds of her dress, she pointed it towards the two soldiers questioning and cornering her.

"It's a girl!" One of them exclaimed, with the corner of his mouth curving upwards while staring at the dress peeking from under the cape. "What are you doing with that sword, you crazy girl? Do you have a death wish?" he asked after taking a better look at her.

"I only want for you to let me pass," Soo-Ah said firmly.

"No way you are passing through here, pretty lady. No one steals a horse from us. And would you look at that? Our general is returning home."