Be my light again

You make me feel so useless that now it inspires me to make you worthless.

[ Flashback; One and half year ago ]

She was sitting with the most beloved ones of her. Yet she felt sad. It was an awesome moment but beautiful a sad broken memory for her.

Sadly she wanted to cry infront of them but smilingly she choose to neglect the possibility to stay weak in front of anyone.

She was strong. But unwillingly she was becoming a scared little broken girl. Afraid of being judged, afraid of misunderstanding, afraid of letting go, afraid of the person who she really is, afraid to be the girl maybe they won't like. Maybe yes. This happiness is just for now. Maybe no. She is just too weak.

She is afraid. Afraid. So afraid of the thing that if she become happy, it will start fading away.

She used to be the mood maker. A little crack head with world's most weirdest questions. But now she awkwardly masks her own mood.

But its okay. They are with her. She won't be alone right? As long as her loved ones are with her, she is willing to fight. Fight for the person she loved. It won't hurt that much right? A little faking won't kill her. It will be okay. Just act a little bit. Just for now.

[ Present; Heidie POV ]

"Why am I suddenly remembering all this things? This kind of breakdown was long ago. I am strong now. My tears are expensive and they won't fall just for anybody."

"What the fuck? Why am I suddenly crying." My tears were unknowingly falling down. And they won't stop, like a waterfall.

"Why am I like this?" I harshly wiped away my tears.

"Aish! Stop it now!" I started wiping my tears.

You are again being pathetic Heidie. Stop acting like a victim. Don't cry you dumb bitch!

"GO AWAY!!!" I screamed at my pain. Let me go now. I had enough. I don't want it anymore.

Why am I shaking? I am strong. I won't cry or feel bad about it anymore. They didn't deserve me. All happened for the best. So let go of me you idiot pain.

Groggily I reached my phone and called Suga. The only person who can pull me from this shits is Suga.

"Hey, Heidie!" He picked it up in the second ring.

"Su-uga" I startled while calling his name. Why am I like this?

"Heidie? What happened? Where are you?" I can feel his worries and paniks.

"My ap-par" before I continued, I hear him rushing away. Probably to me. I don't know why make me feel so special but please don't make me. I might start to rely on you and then you will leave me too.

"Heidie, don't cut the call. Okay? I am on my way." Suga reassures me.

"I do-on't wan-t it." I am scared Suga. Please be my light in this darkness, once again.

"I'm coming. Just stay with me." He stated. I just nodded cause I was feeling too suffocated to even talk.

I put my phone on speaker and place it on the bed. I feel breathless.

"End it already!" I muttered as I slid down the wall, my hand over my mouth, holding back my sobs. Why am I even crying? I am over it.

"I am here." Suga said, claiming my attention. "Can you come here and open it or should I open it myself?" He was out of breath just like me. I know that he run here.

"Do i-it you-r se-elf" I replied back as I put my head on my knees.

I can hear him coming in and locking the door before entering my room. But I am too tired to look at him.

"What happened?" He softly asked as he bend down to reach me.

"I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me? My tears won't stop falling." I asked him without startling.

"Nothings wrong. It's okay to cry sometimes." He replied softly as he gently hugged me.

I missed this. His warmth, his presence, his arms. He makes me feel safe. But that's what makes me scared.

"You can cry it out." He whispered.

And my tears started falling like crazy. I looked up at him while I sobbed at his arms.

I cried and cried. I don't even know why I cried. But I cried hard. From the frustration to stress, I let it out all. And he was just there, beside me. Holding me and calming me down.

"Is it about Ariel?" Suga asked me as he noticed that I calmed down a little bit.

"She is unworthy." I replied with a cold stare.

"Anyway, Where were you all day?" Suga asked.

"Just messing up someone's life." I replied with a smirk.

"You were crying two minutes ago and now you are smirking wickedly." Suga sweetly smiled at me.

"The game has started Suga. She played with my life first. It's my turn." I stared at his eyes.

"Don't look at me like this. I feel like kissing you." He replied with a husky voice.

"Fuck you!" I pushed him away and stand up.

"Okay sorry." He chuckled as he stands up.

"I had a dream. A bad one. About back then." I don't know how to explain about it.

"And that's how you started getting you panik attack?" He asked and I nodded as a reply.

He sighed before coming close to me. "Listen to me carefully, if you cry out your pain it's not your weakness. It's alright to feel down." He sadly smiled at me.

"No, it's not. They have no right to influence me." I frowned.

"You are too much stubborn." He chuckled at me.

"Just like you. You should leave me for the better." I muttered.

"Why are you always thinking this shit. Listen, not me or us are like them. We won't leave you when you will start to lean on us. You can rely on us." Suga stated.

"I understand." I nodded.

"It's getting late, can I stay here?" Suga asked. I can feel that he is embarrassed.

"Sure." I chuckled at his cuteness.

"I made your day! You are smiling again." Suga exclaimed, earning another chuckled from me.

"This smile suits you Heidie. Keep smiling. Wishing you happy everyday." He said with a deep voice.

I avoided my gaze as I nodded at him. Why am I feeling hot suddenly? Don't tell me I am blushing. OMO!

"GO to the guest room. I am sleepy." I pushed him away. And closed my door. My dear heart had a hard time. I should calm down and sleep.

What a great day...