Saved

TW// Self-harm, and Suicide Attempt.

“And our top 2 for this sem is,”

I’m expecting it to be me.

I was nervous and excited at the same time. But there’s still a doubt that it might not be me, because all of my tests, quizzes, and recitations are all low.

I can’t focus anymore.

“Emilia Eden,”

My mouth dropped. I was expecting it to be me. But I was also expecting that it wasn’t me.

My subconscious mind told me that, “maybe you’re the top 1,” I was hoping but it feels impossible.

“And the top 1 is,”

Sab held my hand as if she could read my mind. She tried to smile at me, I can’t even smile back because of the nervousness I’m feeling.

“Alexandra Ruth!”

I heard all of my classmates greeted all the with highest honors, with high honors, and with honors. I’m not one of them.

I heard them talking to me but I can’t even respond, I feel like my feelings will explode if they start comforting me.

Our Teacher started releasing the cards, I stood up when she called my name.

She was about to give me my card but she started talking, “I don’t know what’s happening to you, Briana. But please, your mental health matters more.” She smiled sweetly at me and held my hand to squeeze it.

“I know you’re more than this,” I lowered my gaze to her hand holding mine. She understands me… Someone can understand me.

I started looking at my card, I was stunned for a long time. I know it wasn’t mine… it can’t be mine…

“Ma’am… this wasn’t mine,” My voice started to shake. I can feel my hands shaking and getting cold. I couldn’t move.

This is too low… that my grades can’t even be in with honors. It wasn’t me. I feel like I just matter because I get good grades.

“Ma’am… what did I do?” She stood up and turned to me, and started hugging me. The warmness of her hugs brings me comfort, the comfort that made me cry and calm at the same time. It was a hug that you wish you could get every day. It feels like I’m hugging my parents. I haven’t been hugged by them for a long time, and I’ve been longing for that for a long time.

“Ma’am… Can I do something? I don’t want this… this wasn’t me…” She caressed my back more. I can’t help but break down, I covered my mouth so no one could hear my cries.

What did you do, Briana?

I know it’s my fault why my grades ended up like this, I lost my motivation to study, I barely passed my quizzes, and I always pass my projects late. There are even some days I won’t go to class just because I don’t feel like doing it. Everything was just tiring, and I couldn't even find a rest.

I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to socialize, I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to take care of myself. I just want to sleep all day. I find it hard to stand another day.

There’s something empty inside me that no one can refill.

I stopped writing, I stopped doing things that make me feel happy. I don’t want to do anything.

“This isn't the end, Hija. There’s still next Sem, there’s still next year. Doesn’t mean you feel you can’t stand up again.” She gave me a warm smile, she wiped my tears away and tucked my loose hair strands in the side of my ears.

“I’m proud of you, Hija. You’re a fighter, I can see that you’re struggling but you still managed to complete all of the requirements, you still managed to be a good student.”

I cried on her shoulder like a kid, I can’t even control my cries. I cried like I haven’t cried for months. I just can’t stop crying, it feels so heavy inside.

She said words that make me want to continue more, she just hugged me and never let go of me while crying.

I’m not crying just because of my grades, I feel like I’m crying because of the things that are happening. I can’t even look at my mom, knowing she managed to cheat for years. I don’t want to be in that house anymore because of her, being in that house makes me want to hate my life more. I want to go anywhere without her, I don’t want to see her, I don’t want to hear anything from her. It just hurts, every time I see her, every time I talk to her.

Every time I see her, I can imagine her cheating on us.

I feel betrayed.

“Don’t give up, Hija. You still have dreams to reach, and don’t stop chasing them, okay? You can still be more.” Those were her last words before dismissing us. All of my classmates didn’t ask, as if they know that I don’t want to be asked. Some of them gave me a hug. I’m beyond thankful, I feel like they understand me.

“We are with you,” They said in chorus. I gave them a smile, a genuine one. To be with someone who can understand you makes you feel like you’re not alone, they will make you feel that you don’t have to carry those heavy bags alone because they are here, they are willing to help.

“Thank you,” They all nodded and smiled at me. Some of them tapped me on my shoulders, as a way of giving me encouragement before going home.

Sab hugged me when I got closer to her, my eyes unconsciously looking for Travis, but my eyes didn’t find him.

“Congrats, Sab…” I smiled and hugged her. She’s with high honor this sem. The three of them.

“Wanna go home?” She just pouted and ignored what I said. Then, she asked while I’m still looking for Travis.

“Where’s Travis?” I asked, ignoring her question.

“He didn’t show up today, I can’t even contact him…” I took my phone as she was speaking. There’s a message from him that I haven’t read.

Travis:

I can’t go to school today, Abuelo’s sick. And come home with Marcus. I love you.

I looked around to find Marcus but I also didn’t see him. “Where’s Marcus?”

“He’s sick, he texted.” She showed her phone. I just nodded. I can just go home alone.

“Let’s go,”

“Let’s go home together,” She commanded.

“I can go home alone, Sab…” I tapped her shoulder to assure her she looks like she won’t listen to any words I say.

“I’ll just walk with you, that’s it.”

“Okay.”

“Did Travis tell you?” She just shrugged and took her bag. I also took mine so we can already go home.

***

“I’m okay here…”

She nodded. She stopped walking and turned to me.

“You can always ask for help, Briana. You don’t need to fight those battles alone, because I am here. I will always be here.”

I know that. But I just kept pushing them away. I don’t want to bother anyone, we have our own problems and I don’t want to bother them with mine. As much as I can, I don’t want to ask for help. And I know that, as much as they can, they want to help.

“I know that you don’t want to bother, but I want you to know that you’re not bothering me, I want to know every single thing you think, if it’s sad, then let’s be sad together, if it’s happy, then let’s be happy together.”

“I may not fix you, but I can help you…” She held my hand and caressed it softly.

“We can fight together,” She smiled at me.

I can’t produce any words, I don’t know what to say anymore. I just pulled her into a tight hug.

“Thank you, Sab… for always being with me, thank you for staying, thank you for listening…”

“I won’t leave, I’ll stay with you…” I chuckled a bit to lighten up the atmosphere.

She giggled. “Sounds cliche and cheesy, but yeah, I’ll promise you… I won’t leave.”

“We’ll reach our dreams together, promise?”

I promise, but I will try.

“You are brighter than the stars,” She whispered. Those were her last words before letting me go home.

After all those positive words, the negative ones cannot leave you that easily.

What if I'm really only up to here?

These past few weeks, I always think that I don’t deserve to be happy. I always think that I’m meant to be like this. A mess one.

I want everything just to end here.

I feel like drowning, and I don’t wanna be saved.

I don’t have anything to look forward to.

I want to rest now.

But if I leave, how about them? They’ll be mad at me for leaving. They'll be mad at me because I didn’t become a CPA-Lawyer.

I prayed to God that he can now take me, so I don’t have to.

I don’t wanna be here anymore.

I started laughing at my thoughts. Why do I think this way?

I tried remembering all the happy memories, happy memories with Travis, with my family, with my best friend and friends. I can’t help but smile when I can see their smiles in my imagination. Those people I treasure the most do deserve a happy life. But what about me? Do I deserve a happy life?

I hope someday, I can think that I deserve a happy life too. But I hope that someday is soon, because I’m so close… to giving up. I’m so tired of thinking that maybe… maybe I deserve a happy life… but not in this world. Maybe in the next life.

***

“Do you want to see a therapist, Hija?” Aunty Amelia carefully asked me. I shook my head.

“I’m not suicidal, Aunty… I can still manage.” I lied. I quickly hid the slits in the sweater I was wearing. She looked at my wrist that I’ve been hiding.

“I want you to be saved, Hija.”

“Don’t worry, Aunty… I’ll still fight…” I lied again. I don’t want to fight anymore.

Aunty took me from our house and dragged me here to Bataan, there’s one time Dad saw me cutting myself. He begged me not to do it again, but I can’t stop, it’s so addicting. I can’t stop because that’s how I cope. That’s the only thing I can do to make myself feel alive. If I saw myself bleeding, that’s when I knew that I’m still alive.

“I’ll just go to the ocean, Aunty…” She just nodded at me, looking at me with those concerned eyes.

“I love you, Aunty. Thank you.”

“Briana…” She sounded scared.

“I won’t, Aunty. I just want to see the beauty of life.” I want to finally see the end.

I didn’t wait for her response.

I looked around and saw how peaceful it is here in Bataan. This may be the last day I can see how beautiful the ocean is.

It’s beautiful that I want to be taken by it.

I finally decided to end everything here. My thoughts are all about me, dying in the ocean.

I started walking on the ocean, every step I took, I remembered him.

Travis.

I didn’t even say a proper goodbye. We haven’t talked for weeks now, since I took a vacation here.

I can hear his laugh, his voice… I can hear him saying that he loves me.

I made a letter for everyone I treasure the most, I hope Aunty can give it to them. I wrote it earlier in the morning when I finally decided to go there, in the light.

I’m sorry, I can’t say a proper goodbye now. I hope you can forgive me for leaving.

“I love you, Travis…” I said as my tears fell. The water is on my neck now.

‘Stay with me, my love…’ I can hear Travis’ voice.

‘Hold me, love… I won’t let you go.’ I closed my eyes as I stepped forward.

When I close my eyes, I can see our happy memories. It was us looking for a sunset, waiting for sunrise, having a picnic at midnight… it was us while running in the rain.

‘Stay with me.’ It echoed repeatedly in my mind.

I was ready, I could finally see the end. I can’t even feel the sands anymore, I was ready to surrender myself. I gradually felt that I could not breathe. I let the water control me, I don’t know where I am now. I’m finally dying. This is what I want, drowning in the deep sea without getting saved.

‘I’m waiting, love…’ Something came alive in me when I heard Travis’ voice.

‘Don’t leave…’ Those were his last words. His last words made me want to save myself.

I found myself swimming, I found myself saving myself. I raised my head into the sea to breathe.

I can’t die, he’s waiting for me.

And I don’t want to die like this.

It looks peaceful there… but I want to create peace, in this world, with him. We can create peace here, so we don't need to go there.