Blood

TW // Self-harm and Strong language.

Why do we always need to say goodbye, when someone's leaving? Or why will we say goodbye, if we leave?

They said the night is a sign that it was the end of the day. But why? Because it's dark? How did they know that darkness is the sign that things are about to end?

That's how I think, I always relied on the end of the day in darkness. I always thought that we can be taken by the darkness because, in that darkness, you're like walking in the cave, but without the light. When you step forward, there's a hope that you might see some light. But in every step you take, there's always the thought that 'Maybe this is the end'. And you stopped walking and stopped stepping forward, thinking that anytime you can be taken by the darkness.

But not until I reach midnight, it's still dark, but it can be your beginning. And then I thought of the stars, that's the only light you can see in the dark sky. But I was wrong, there's still a moon. A moon that gives more light in the middle of darkness. Even if it's just one moon, even if they're the stars that are slightly losing their light, they still stand out, and it's because of the darkness.

It's dark but there's a small light. And that small light makes you feel going.

You decided to step forward again, and in that one step, you step on a small flashlight. It feels impossible that you found a light in the cave. And that's what I also felt, it feels impossible to be saved in a light that doesn't really shine brightly, but the light is enough to stand another day.

That small flashlight is enough for you to step forward. You keep stepping forward, and you do not stop. Until you realize that the sun is slowly rising.

You realized that while you were waiting for the sun to rise, you're making small progress, and that small progress led you to that light. And you realized that darkness is not all about the end, it can be a beginning to someone.

I can now stand another day. Because I found the beginning in that darkness. It made me realize that it's not too late to start again, and not every darkness is an end.

"I'm sorry..."

"You're here..." I whispered in Travis's ear. He suddenly went to Bataan when he knew what happened. They did just know about my cuts, not what I did earlier. He found me here in front of the sea.

He went behind me and hugged me. He pressed his face against my neck, sniffing. I don't know if he's crying or what, I can't clearly see his face.

"I'm sorry... for not being there, I'm sorry..." He let go of the hug and went beside me. I can now see that he's really crying, this is the first time that I saw him like this... His tears rolled down again as he gently took my wrist. He forcibly closed his eyes, he looked really hurt. His tears don't stop from falling.

He slowly brought my wrist to his lips. His soft lips touched my cuts, he kissed them very gently as his tears fell.

"Let's fight together, hmm?" I looked at him and pulled him closer to me. I kissed the side of his lips, I tasted a mixture of sweetness and saltiness, sweetness from his lips and saltiness from his tears.

He closed his eyes more, "Don't' leave me..." His voice broke as he broke down.

I shook my head, "I won't..." I said weakly as I took his hand and put it on my cheeks.

"I can't lose you... not you... please." I looked at him with a smile on my lips, my baby is crying, hmm? Little didn't he know, he was the reason why I'm alive at this point. It breaks me into pieces as I see him crying, this is the first time I've seen him this weak.

"I can't lose you, Briana... I can't." I held his chin and turned it to me. "Shh, I won't leave..." I said a promise, a promise that I'll try to not break.

"Travis..." I called.

"Hmm? What is it, baby?" He said softly as tears continued to flow in his eyes.

"Give me a hug, I miss your hugs..."

He didn't respond and gave me a tight hug. A hug that feels like home. A hug that gives me comfort.

"Thank you," For saving me. Thank you for coming into my life.

"You can open up to me... so the things won't be that heavy..." I want to, but something's stopping me. It's the thought that I might be a burden to someone, and I don't want to.

"I will, I will when I already can..." He caressed my hair as I said those words.

"I will wait," He kissed my forehead.

"You're not a burden, baby. You will never be a burden."

He never left Bataan and stayed with me for a whole week. He was there every time I'm in the midst of a panic attack, he was there to stop me when I wanted to hurt myself. Saving myself is the best thing I did yet the hardest decision I've ever made. I never thought that healing would be this hard. But with him, he made it easy for me. He made me see things differently. And he never left. He never made me feel like he'll leave.

"Briana... Are you okay?" It was Dad. It was his first words as soon as I entered the house. I just got home from a vacation. His eyes unconsciously went on my wrist, I immediately took my left hand and covered it with my jacket.

"I'm okay, Dad... don't worry about me," I went to him and gave him a hug. I don't want to see them but I already miss them. Seeing them makes me realize everything, and it triggers me. It always led me to panic-attack and hurting myself.

"Briana..." I felt how my hands started to shake as my Mom stated my name.

"I'm sorry, my love..."

Does she love me?

She handed me a letter, my gaze went on her hands holding a letter.

"I know you're mad at me, and I know you don't want to listen to me..." I took it. She let out a deep sigh and held my hand.

"You can read it... when you're ready..." I didn't say a word, instead, I nodded my head as a response.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry you turned out like that... I'm sorry..." Mom hugged me. I didn't do the same thing. I just can't. Dad also joined us.

I can't feel anything. I can't feel... the love. I feel so numb.

"I won't abort the baby..." I don't know what to feel. I'm just glad to know that she won't abort the baby. But I can't be happy... knowing that it was from another man.

"I'll accept the baby..." I closed my eyes and nodded. I don't have the energy anymore. I feel sad. For myself and my future stepsister. This family is chaotic. And I don't wanna be part of it anymore.

"I want the baby, too. I'll accept it..." I nodded and gave them a forced smile.

"The father of the baby... wants me to live in his house..." My mouth dropped. I don't know how to react. I feel dumb. I feel so fucking disgusted by the idea of a man living with that man. I can't think properly, I feel dumb... I feel so fucking dumb.

"What?" I asked weakly.

"Are you... out of your mind?" I pulled my hair out in frustration.

"I'll come home every weekend..." Something revived my anger. I looked at her, a tear fell because of the anger.

Fuck everyone.

"After spending time in your fucking mistress, you'll come home here?!" I felt my lips trembling as well as my hands. I realized what I said... I suddenly feel scared and ashamed... I didn't mean to say that.

A loud slap hit my cheek. It was Mom. Her tear fell as she looked at me angrily.

"I'm sorry..." I whispered.

Why do I feel like it's my fault?

"Stop... I'm sorry, your Mom's just shocked..." It was Dad.

"I'm doing it for you, Briana..." I gasped.

"You're doing it... for me? Really?" I asked sarcastically.

"Yes, it's for your own sake—" I cut her off.

"Then stop doing it, Mom! Stop cheating, please... whatever the reason is, stop it, you're ruining me, Mom... so please, stop..." My anger turned into tears. And I'm now begging.

She kneeled. And shook her head. She doesn't want to stop. I don't have a choice, I need to agree. But I can't... I fucking can't. It's so tiring.

"It's for the sake of our own family, I will protect you..." She whispered and cried in front of me.

"It's so... It's so tiring to be part of this family... it's so draining..." I turned my back to them. I look so disrespectful now, but I just can't take it anymore.

"Briana," Dad called.

"You'll let Mom live in your best friend's house?" It took him so long to respond, but he just ended up nodding. He looked so much in pain but he still managed to smile.

"It's so draining, Mom... Dad..."

Then I left.

It's me again having a panic attack in my room. It feels suffocating, I can't breathe. It's so hard to breathe...

Calm down, Briana. Calm down.

Inhale. Exhale.

I was shaking.

My eyes unconsciously look for a blade. I tried to shut my eyes to stop myself from hurting myself. I tried to remember him, our happy memories. But what I remember is what happened earlier. Thoughts started to control me again. My eyes found a blade in the side of my table. I feel like the world agrees with me because of what I see. I stood up and tried to get that blade but I stopped myself. He will not be happy if I do this again. He will be hurt.

But my thoughts are really loud, I let them control me.

Mom cheated. Maybe I am a bad daughter? She will live in that man's house, she will abandon us! Mom didn't care about how I felt! She wanted to be that man, she hates me, she hates us! She doesn't want us... she wants that family more than us. I'm so miserable. She said it's for my own sake, but I know it was just her excuse. She doesn't love me.

She doesn't love me. That word echoed repeatedly in my mind until I found myself holding a blade. My mind is stopping me but my body doesn't. I will not die. I just want to see blood. I want to feel alive.

I feel so numb as I see blood flowing on my wrist, one cut isn't enough. I looked up and saw myself in the mirror. I can't recognize myself anymore... My white shirt was covered in blood, my hair's messy, and my eyes were swollen. I feel so different.

My trance returned when I heard a knock.

I looked at myself, they can't see me like this.

What should I do...

My eyes widened in surprise when someone opened the door.

It reveals Travis.

The bouquet he's holding fell. He immediately ran to me and hugged me.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry..."

"Travis..."

"Shh, I'm here, baby... stop crying... I'm here..."

He was crying.

"I'm sorry," I cried on his shoulders. He was still crying when he threw the blade in the trash.

"Don't be sorry, baby... I'm here, you have me..." He helped me to sit on my chair. He went into my closet and took a cloth for me.

"Thank you, for saving me again..."

"I will always be here, I will always be here to help you save yourself," He kissed me on the cheeks.

"Here. Change, Love..." He handed me the cloth. He turned his back on me and let me change my clothes. When I finished changing, he started brushing my hair. He also took a wet cloth to wipe the blood on my face.

"You want to see a therapist?"

"Will I be okay?" He gave me a smile. A warm smile.

"Yes. You're the strongest fighter I know..." I stood up and hugged him.

"I'll fight, Love..." I said to him. I saw how his lips automatically formed a smile.

"I'll always be here to support you, I'll always stay until you win."

And I finally agreed to them seeing a Therapist. Because I want to save myself. I'm ready to save myself.