Can’t Do This

Ever since I was little, I knew what I wanted. If I wanted any certain thing, I never gave up on getting it. This time, I don't know what I want. What do I f****** want? I want the guy who makes me feel safe. I want the guy who gives me butterflies when he locks eyes with me. I want the guy who makes my cheeks heat up when he smiles at me. I want the guy who makes me feel good. I want the guy whose lips feel like pure bliss when they're on mine. Dammit, I want Brian. But I don't want the f***boy who is known for flirting excessively. I don't want someone who could hurt me just as easily as keeping me out of danger. And that's somehow enough to keep me away from giving in.

I can't take it anymore, either. With over a week of no talk just super intense but low-key passionate sex with Brian, it keeps tapping at my forehead. I feel so guilty after we're done because I know he just wants to lay with me and hold me, telling me how much he loves me, but I dismiss him instead of doing what he wants because I know damn well I want it too. I want it so much. But I can't do it because I don't want to get thrown away when he's done with me and end up getting hurt. And I can't hide this from Julie anymore. She almost found out at least twice and I don't know if I can do it any longer. I need her help.

Julie, can you come over?

She texts back fast, as usual.

Oh s*** what happened???

She always knows when something is bothering me.

I'll tell you when you get here

Ok

It's a matter of time before she gets to my house. She knocks on the door and I open it.

"What's wrong? You always call me over when something's wrong." She walks inside and I close the door behind her. I take her by the hand to my room and we sit down on my bed.

"Please tell me you won't get mad."

"It depends. Is it that bad?"

"It's pretty bad."

"Just say it." I take a deep breath.

"So, um, a while ago, after school, Brian asked me to be FWB with him."

"So?"

"I said yes."

"Damn, a b**** couldn't even tell her best friend but whatever. And?"

"Remember when I went to Hawaii?"

"What the hell? He was there?"

"Yeah."

"Why don't you tell me anything, you b****?"

"I didn't know how you would react. And plus, I'm not done. So then, when we were there, I met this guy named Luke. Brian didn't really like him but I didn't care. So one day, me and Luke went to the movies. Brian told me not to go, but I just thought he was jealous that Luke might take me away from him. But Luke was touching me... And I got out before he could actually do anything more and I went to the restroom to hide." Julie rubs my arm sympathetically.

"And then my mom came but I didn't know Brian was there so when we went outside of the restroom, I saw him and I felt so happy to see him. I told him how sorry I was and I just felt so safe because he was there. But then Luke came back and Brian told him to stay away from me and punched him in the face. We left and when we got back to the villa we stayed at, he wouldn't leave me. He stayed with me all night. I had a nightmare and he was still there for me."

"Tara, please don't tell me you like Brian just because he acted like he cared."

"Julie. I never said that I like him. You know it's more than that. He actually gave a s*** about me, enough to punch an a****** in the face. I'm not even done, though, so just listen. So then when we got back to California, he asked me to go to his house for a movie and then told me that he loves me. I didn't know how to feel about it, so I had to think about why he could even say that. I don't know if it's true or not, but I know he feels something."

"Do you like him or not?" I sigh. Because yes, I like him. I like him a lot.

"Yeah... But I'm not about to get myself hurt. If I give in, I know my happiness will be short-lived."

"So you know that you need to drop him, right? It's not right to keep him if you're not going to keep him."

"I know. I'm going to."

"When, though? Things like these shouldn't wait."

"I can tell him now. Can you drive me?" Thank God she has a car.

"Okay. Do you need me to stay over and make sure you're okay if you don't feel like it?"

"Yeah."

I get my jacket and we head out. I tell her the directions as she drives me to Brian's house.

Brian POV

There's a knock at the door so I get up to answer it. Tara's standing there. My heartbeat speeds up, just like it always does when I see her. She's just so beautiful. But right now she doesn't look happy. I'm guessing she's not looking for a hook up.

"You can come in." I move out of her way and she walks in. She doesn't sit down, though.

"Brian, I can't do this anymore." F***, what? Every time she looks at me she blushes, but she doesn't want to stay with me. What the f*** is her deal? She obviously feels some type of way about me. Even when I kept my f****** distance and didn't do anything but have sex with her, she still wants to leave. I tried so hard to keep her, but apparently, it wasn't even enough. As much as it drove me crazy for one of us to leave after sex, I had to deal with it just to be with her. Even if it was for the shortest time.

"Why?"

"I hate how I feel after every time we have sex because I know it's hurting you for one of us to leave and not stay a while, just cuddling or something like we used to. And I don't want that for you." I mean, she is right that it hurts, but I have to put up with it for her.

"You're leaving me. Again." I'm so f****** pissed. I'm beyond pissed, I'm f****** furious.

"Yeah." No sorry, just yeah. I'm so done with this.

"Fine. Leave, then. Don't let me stop you," I say with as much sarcasm as I can. Before I can even tell what's going on, her lips are on mine and I'm just standing there. She pulls away and wraps her arms around my waist, burying her face in my chest. WHAT THE F*** DOES SHE WANT? Does she want me or not? She makes me so weak, I don't even know. I try my hardest not to give in so easily. I tilt my head back and sigh. She lets go of me.

"Just... Go," I say, looking down, away from her. I could explode if she stays another minute longer. She doesn't say anything else as she leaves. This is what I get, I shouldn't have tried to let her in. I shouldn't have exposed myself and my true feelings.

This is why I never let my feelings get the best of me.

Tara POV

I close the door behind me and don't let my tears fall until I get to Julie's car. As soon as I'm inside, I let it all out. He was just so... Cold. He was hurt and I saw it in his eyes.

"You've gotta be kidding me. Why are you even crying over him? He's not worth it."

"Because I didn't want to do this. Honestly." She opens her mouth to say something and I know exactly what it is.

"And don't tell me to get over it. I just need you to be here for me. Because the way you're acting about it makes me feel even shittier than I do. You know I'm trying. I'm trying so hard," I sob.

"Come here," she sighs in defeat. She wraps her arms around me and I relax into her embrace.

"It'll be okay, Tara. Believe me." We stay like that for a while until I'm done crying. She starts the car and drives back to my house. We walk inside and I just lay down on the couch, exhausted. I look around for Julie but she's gone. I hear her footsteps and look up to see her with a blanket, a carton of ice cream, and two spoons. I sit up and smile for the first time today.

"I brought you some stuff."

"Thanks, Julie."

"Anything for you, hun." She sets down the ice cream and spoons and sits down next to me, covering us with the blanket. She takes the ice cream and opens it, handing me a spoon.

"Do you want to tell me what happened? You don't have to if you don't want to." I sigh.

"I told him I couldn't do what we were doing anymore and he asked why so I told him that I didn't want to hurt him by dismissing him after we have sex. And he was... So angry. Like, as angry as he was when he saw Luke right before he punched him in the face. And he told me to leave so I did." I choose not to tell her that I kissed him.

"It will be okay. You'll find someone who isn't a f***boy and won't break your heart when he gets the chance."

"I hope so..." I murmur as I fall asleep on her shoulder.