Toxic

The warm water poring across my skin felt like it was washing all of the stress and worry down the drain with it except for that memory of Charli kissing me. Why couldn't I stop thinking about it? The urge to bite my lip came over me...it was as if I were starving for something but for what? A wave of heat rushed over me and I broke out into a sweat...maybe I had too much to drink, I thought. I should just go to bed, I should probably go to bed. After my shower I got dressed and took my place on the couch, I leaned over to turn out the light but the sudden thought to check on Charli came to me. Careful not to wake him, I eased my way down the hall and gently turned the knob to his bedroom door to see that Charli was turned over on his side; his hair was sprawled out all over the pillows in miscellaneous strands.

The moonlight lit up his face just enough for me to see his soft features as I rounded the bed, it was like I wasn't in control of my body, I found myself drawing closer and closer to him. I knelt down to his level, I could see the feminine features now that I was close up, I could see what everyone was talking about. It never dawned on me before until now, Charli is an extremely good-looking person; the reasons why he is still single escapes me. His lips were velvety and rotund, his skin was as white as porcelain and scar-free; I reached to touch his face, I could feel how warm his skin was. I had the urge to explore more, I got closer and close...only inches was I away from his pink lips when I thought...what the hell was I doing? This isn't right, I am not like that; Charli is my friend, and here am I intruding on his personal space while he's sleeping.

My mind raced...I was curious...being curious doesn't make me gay right? I want to kiss him...I want to but it's wrong. But my body was way ahead of my brain, my lips were pressed against Charli's once again, but this time I was willing. I couldn't help but like the feeling of his lips on mine, I cupped his face gently as I deepened the kiss, I could taste the sweetness of the drinks he had earlier.

"Benji?"

I jumped "Charli, I'm sorry!" I exclaimed as I pulled away; Charli began to stir out of his sleep. My face began to head up as he opened his eyes, then he turned over; I sighed in relief and got up, I thought he was going to wake up. He shouldn't remember any of this in the morning, I thought. I made my way out of the room shutting the door gently behind me. What did I just do? I touched my lip in disbelief; I just kissed Charli, my best friend...and...and I liked it...a lot. I fell back on the couch, still out of it; I couldn't help but think about his lips again. Am I gay? I thought. No...I can't be feeling this way, it's not right to feel this way about Charli.

I just need to sleep that's all...it was just an accident.

Just an accident..goodnight Charli...

Morning came before I knew it, I checked my phone for the time, it was already ten...I slept a little later than usual. I wonder if Charli is still asleep, so I went to peek in the door in which he was still lying there asleep. He looked like an angel almost...hugging his pillow and sleeping peacefully. His relaxed face made him look even younger than he was; I always admired how he could stay young both mentally and physically, it isn't fair.

"Benjamin" Charli groaned, his eyes fluttered open and rolled over to me. His gaze hit me in the chest making my heart almost skip a beat, oh god...when did he become so beautiful? Why did I just think that...

"Yes? Charli?" I answered, swallowing my nerves. He knows, I thought.

"My head hurts" He groaned as he laughed before trying to sit up, his hair fell to one side as he rubbed his eyes and yawned "Maybe...drinking isn't for me"

I smiled and held my sigh of relief "Do you need anything? Water maybe...I can make you some soup to help your head" I offered but he shook his head and slid out of bed.

"I'll be alright, It's not that bad," he said with a stretch before combing his hair out in the mirror with his fingers "Now that I think about it, about last night..."

Oh fuck...he knows.

"It was nice"

He knows.."Look Charli I-"

"No it's ok, I shouldn't have drunk so much, I don't remember much so I hope I didn't cause you too many problems"

oh...he doesn't know...good.

"You look like you've seen a ghost, you ok? anyways...it was nice getting a chance to hang out with you like that even if it failed, why are you looking at me like that" said Charli.

"Like what?"

"Did something else happen?"

No, you just threw up on me that's all" I lied.

"Ok," He shrugged and patted my chest as he walked past me and rubbed his templed "I'm going out for a smoke, you are welcome to join me," he said opening the balcony doors shivering a little at the gust of cold winter air that blew in. I followed him out as he lit up his cigarette closing the doors behind me, the smell burned my nose, but I found when he took in the poisonous nicotine kinda badass when the smoke came out from his nose. He sat on the wicker chair and crossed his legs resting his elbow on his leg while he held the cigarette between his fingers. I leaned against the rail across from him, the balcony wasn't huge but big enough for the two of us. Then my heart sank with the memory of last night still lingering in the front of my mind, It's something that I hope to forget soon. I was just drunk, I felt my face heat up like the end of Charli's cigarette. His taste was a lot like nicotine...addictive and dangerous.

I just have to quit it...

"What are you thinking about Benji?" Charli questioned as he flicked off the ash from the end of his cigarette.

"Nothing" I lied.

"No it's not nothing, you bite your lip when you're deep in thought about something. I know this, you're my best friend" he laughed tilting his head slightly to the side.

"I am just feeling a bit strange lately, that's all" I replied.

Charli narrowed his eyes "Is it about the redhead from last night?" he questioned before taking another drag from his cigarette.

"Yeah" I lied, to be honest, I completely forgot about her.

"I saw that she gave you her number, you should text her," he said teasingly with a smirk on his face.

"Yeah, I guess" I shrugged.

"What's wrong?" he asked leaning towards me a bit with a confused look on his face blowing smoke from his nose again in a failed attempt to make me smile.

"I just don't feel good today" I replied.

"You think maybe you overdid it last night?" he asked.

Yeah...I overdid it...something like that. I shrugged and sighed sitting in the chair across from him rubbing my face "Maybe I am still just a bit tired. By the way, you are a trooper to still be functional with a hangover" I laughed.

Charli yawned and rubbed the back of his neck "Well" he started "I guess when I use to have a lot of migraines, I just kind of got use to dealing with the pain of the headache", then he put the bud of his finished cigarette out into the ashtray. "Maybe we should go to the park, it's supposed to be nice today but the cold of course" he suggested.

"Okay," I said, "Then we can go eat breakfast somewhere unless you feel like eating here at home before we leave".

He shook his head twisting a strand of his hair before combing it out again as he thought for a moment "Oh, there is a really great Diner, we could go there to eat" he said.

"Okay, then let's get dressed then," I said standing up to return inside.

"Hey, Benjamin?" Charli called.

"Yeah?" I answered.

"I had the strangest dream last night...that you kissed me. Isn't that wild?" he said jokingly.

I played it cool and laughed along "You're crazy," I said, "I don't even swing that way, were you fantasizing about me or something?" I joked.

"Of course not!" he exclaimed, his cheeks turned slightly red as he tucked his hair behind his ear "It was just so real but clearly it didn't happen thank god...it was weird."

"Did you want it to happen?" I sneered.

"Huh?"

"Nevermind, I was only joking" I chuckled as he followed me inside shutting the door behind him.

"I'm going to get dressed," said Charli as he went to get changed.

That was close, I thought; Charli can't know about last night...and I have to find out what's wrong with me. I should text Ariel, I thought pulling out my phone.

~~~~~~

"Hey"

I waited for her to respond, she's problably sleeping because she usually works at night.

*Ding* "Hey big guy"

Oh-she replied...

"Nothing much, I am just getting dressed and getting ready to go to the park with Charli"

"How is your friend? Is he's still feeling sick? He was dumb drunk last night,

he isn't very good at holding his alcahol. He only had a glass and a half"

"He is fine apparently, it surprised me actually.

He said he wsn't ever going to drink again lol :)"

"Well, I am glad he is ok lol.

I have to work tonight so I'm going to sleep more.

Why don't you have stop by after I get off at eleven ;)"

"Okay, I'll try. Maybe after Charli goes to bed we can hang out a little while"

*seen*

~~~~~~

"What are you smiling at?" Charli said.

"Oh shit!" I grabbed my chest almost dropping my phone "Don't scare me like that Boba" I said with a sigh. Charli tilted his head then smiled, his hair once again fell to one side making him look adorable, like a kid.

"You two should do it" He teased.

"Charli, I just met the girl and that's not what my intentions were" I replied shaking my head but couldn't help but smirk at his childish actions.

"Sure it wasn't, maybe not at first but I have a feeling you should take condoms with you just in case," He said as he stuffed a few in my plant's pocket.

"Why do I need so many?" I said pulling one out and looking at it "Oh good lord this one's flavored"

"Mhm! I don't know what size you need and it was a variety so I gave you one of each" He giggled patting my shoulder "Alright let's go". I sighed and shook my head following him out and shutting the door behind me; Charli is a nut sometimes, I thought. He always makes me laugh with his silliness, I kind of wish a lot of people were as comedic as Charli; he was always able to stay positive even in the worst of times. He just had a beautiful and curious personality that brought sunshine into the lives of the people that knew him. He just gets into trouble a lot but that's where I come in to rescue him again and again; we were always there for each other. But there was something different that I noticed about Charli that I hadn't noticed before, the little things like the way he styled his hair down to every step he made which was always carried with grace and love for this unfair and unforgiving world. Something that I wish I had; last night I realized that I had just gotten a taste of it...

It's not right to feel this way about Charli. I don't swing that way.

I'm not gay. But the way Charli looks at me makes my body feel the opposite leaving me confused and paranoid that he'll find out how I feel before I can fix my sickness.