Dreams

It's a new week. I'm usually excited about Mondays and meeting my friends in school after a weekend of family issues but today's different. Today is the deadline for the payment of my external examination fees. Mum tried to get the money but the man told her to come back today. Without paying for my exams, I won't be able to write them till next year. As I prepare for school, different thoughts rush through my mind. I try to focus but it feels impossible.

"How will I stay back at home when everyone goes to college? How do I cope? How am I sure that I'll pass the exams next year? Where do I get money from? Why can't I have peace for at least five days straight before problems come into my life? What did I do to dad? Why...How...Where..."

"Shut up!" I scream and shut my eyes as I struggle to put an end to the raging storm in my head. Shouting is the only way to calm it down,my panic attacks. I try to steady my ragged breathing as I look down to see my hands shaking. I hug myself and sit down on my bed.

After a while,I calm down and my breathing returns to normal. I pack my books into my backpack,pick up my transportation fare and head out of my room.

"I'm off to school mom!" I say.

"Take care of yourself kid. I'll try my best to get the money today" mum assures me.

"Okay mum. Bye!" I say and walk out of the front door.

I get to school and I'm surprised that there's no teacher in sight. This is very unusual.

"What's going on? Where's the teacher on duty? Is there any chance that I'm actually early today or... Oh! They might be having their staff meeting today. Let me just get to class and find out what's going on. I didn't check the time throughout my preparation at home. I hope I haven't missed any period..."

"Amy! Wait up! Amy! Stop walking so fast,I'm trying to meet up!" I hear someone screaming from behind. I look back to see Emma hurrying towards me.

"Emma? How's this possible? Emma doesn't come late to school. I'm either dreaming or I'm spiritually high!" I conclude in my head. She gets to my side and wipes her face with her hand imitating our principal's funny method.

"Why are you acting like that? Do I have something on my face? Do I look ugly today? And why the hell are you late?" I scream while asking the last question.

"I want to be sure I'm seeing clearly na. 'Do you look ugly?' Have you ever looked otherwise? And what do you mean by 'why am I late?' You,why are you early? Did God visit you in your dreams last night? Cos you've never been a punctual student" She rants.

"Otherwise kill you there! 'mmjiot'! You know I'm prettier than you 'sef'. But,wait...are you trying to say that I'm actually early? What's the time on your wristwatch?"

"Prettier ko, petticoat ni. It's 7:30 am o. Better go and find out what happened to you last night. We both know it's not normal of you to be early. Better still,give me your lunch money so that I'll commune with the gods and tell you exactly what's wrong with you" she blabbers.

"May your so called gods strike that your mouth. Mumu! Can't I choose to come early? Is it your early? Did I tell you that anything is wrong with me? Better mind yourself o" I say as we enter into our class. She laughs and puts up her hand with her fingers spread out in a gesture of insult. She moves further into the class towards her locker at the center.

I get to my chair and drop my backpack. I sit down and glance around the class. It's scantily filled. Cassie is also absent.

"Wow! I came early today! I've almost forgotten what it feels like to be early to school. I'm going to so rub it in Cassie's face when she arrives. Wait! Oh, thank God! There's no assignment. I just have to sit here and think. I should read a book or something... What if mum doesn't get the money? What will be my fate? How will I cope with watching my mates leave me behind? What if..." I put my head on my locker as thoughts start to swim in my head again. I stay in that position till I hear a familiar voice screaming.

"Classic Cassie" I think and smirk.

"Jesus! Oh my God! Am I dreaming? I must be seeing things! This simply can't be! No!" Cassie rants while trying to clean her eyes. I'm laughing all through her display.

"Amara! Is this you? Or...are you her twin? She didn't tell me she had a twin. Or, are you a demon that took Amy's face?" She asks and takes two steps back. I almost fall from laughing.

"Cassie,shey you've seen it too? I was shocked when I saw her earlier o. I almost broke my eyeballs in the process of cleaning them" Emma says from her chair.

"You people should free me na. Somebody cannot decide to come early again? Ahn! Why are you guys being so dramatic about it? I just felt like coming early today" I lie. I've never felt like coming early. I simply don't even get to check the time. I always have issues bothering me so, 'I don't have the time to check time'.

"Babes, I'm going to do Thanksgiving next Sunday for you. I'll also give a testimony in church. Amara came early to school! Even the priest won't believe it" Cassie says and we both laugh.

We settle down and get ready for the day's lessons. I take out the books I need and put them in my locker. I bring out Michael's songbook and remember he was supposed to go for a show during the weekend. I wonder how it went and if he performed well.

"I haven't seen him today. I hope he's okay. Wait...why are you hoping he's okay? What do you care? It's not like you like him or something right? But,why isn't he here? Did he... Oh! Speak of the devil". I think as Michael walks into the class. He's beaming like he just met with the president. That's so not him. He rarely smiles genuinely except when he's with his friends. He gets to my locker,looks down at me, winks and walks past towards the back of the class.

"What? Did he just wink at me? He knows how much I hate winks! That b*stard! That stupid,dumb,cute son of the devil!

Hold up,Amy...did you just think cute? How do you combine all those hate words with cute? Are you also dumb? Why do you always loose it when you think about him? Why are you even thinking about him? I should stop! But,he's so cute and...so stupid! Okay, that's enough! You should be..."

"Good morning sir!" I hear and stand up with speed before our form teacher, Mr. Joel notices me.

"Good morning students,you may seat down" he says.

He stands in front of my locker which is at the center row and opens the book he is carrying.

"I'm going to call out some names now. If you hear your name,it means you haven't paid for your WAEC and NECO exams and you're expected to leave the class till you bring your money or receipt for payment. Now, listen attentively" he says and I suddenly feel like running out just to avoid hearing my name. He starts to call the names written on his list of defaulters.

"...Victoria John! Where are you? Pick your bag and leave. Emmanuel Olu! Move out. Christian Attah! Where's he? Is he absent?" Mr Joel asks.

"He hasn't come to school sir" someone replies from the back.

"Alright,I'll have to come back again in the afternoon after your lunch break to chase the latecomers out. Next on the list is... Ama... Amara Eze! Oh, you're even sitting in front of me. Why haven't you paid? Pack your things and move out this minute. Don't waste my time. The last person on the list is... Ufedo James. Is she here? Where..." I hear him say as I tune everything out. I pack my books and try my best not to let the tears fall as I walk out of the class.

I walk straight to the school's old science laboratory. I enter and find out that it's empty. I'm happy to be alone as I walk to one of the stools at the back and sit on it. I put my backpack on the long table in front of the stools and loose control of my emotions. I cry my eyes out. I put my head on the table as my body shakes from sobbing. My thoughts starts speeding up in my head for the second time in one morning.

"God,why? What happens to my dream of becoming a medic? Why does it have to be pain all the time? Is this why you brought me to this world? If this is it,then I want out. I want to leave all this pain. I want to stop feeling different. I want to stop feeling cursed. I want to stop feeling guilty. Guilty of the fact that my dad hates me,that he left cos he couldn't stand me anymore. I want to stop being another reason why mum has sleepness nights. I need to stop being another cause of pain to her after all she went through with him. What's the use of life when it's filled with troubles? What's the need when I don't even know what I'm doing here? How will I move on when I know deep down that the man that brought me into this world doesn't care if I'm alive or dead? How..." My thoughts are everywhere as I weep. I'm not aware of anything happening around me as I try to push my thoughts out. I try my best not to use my method of screaming to control the attacks.

I don't realize it's time for lunch break till I hear approaching footsteps. I don't raise my head to see whoever is coming because my face is messy from the tears that have been pouring from my eyes. Thankfully,I have my handkerchief with me. I dab my face with it and try my best to clean the tears.

I hear the sound of stool scrapping the floor. I notice the person sit close to me and put a hand on my back. I recognize the person's scent and I know it's Alexis. I raise my head to look at her and she smiles. I smile back sadly.

"Everything will be fine,Amy. Our God never fails. Stop crying,please" she says.

"I...just don't know why. I've been asking myself questions. What if I miss my final exams? What will I do? Why me? Why can't..." I say as my voice fails me. I start sobbing again. She rubs my back and tries to calm me down.

After a while,the rest of my friends come into the laboratory. They get to where we are sitting and they all try to console me.

"Amara,stop this thing please. Crying won't solve anything. This is not the end of the road fa. There's always a way out with God" Cassie says.

"She's right. God has a reason for everything and I'm sure he knows why you haven't paid for the exam. Don't loose hope, everything will turn out well" Emma says. I clean my eyes for the umpteenth time and try to focus on what they are saying.

"Amara! You should really stop. This is slacking. I mean, have you forgotten the kind of God you serve? Have you forgotten the fact that your name is written on the palm of his hand? Your name,Amara,all our names. Like,do you know what that means? Your father in heaven feels every single pain that you feel. He knows everything you're going through and if you believe, then you're going to smile out of this. This is just a little thing before God. So,cheer up,it's just a temptation. It'll pass" Liz says. That did it for me. I find myself laughing and crying at the same time. I hug each of one them and feel grateful for having such beautiful people as friends.

"Thanks guys,I really appreciate. I feel better now" I whisper with my shaky voice.

They stay with me till we hear the bell that announces that lunch break is over.

"You should come with us to the class. Mr. Joel already came the second time before lunch break to chase the latecomers out. I don't think he'll come again today. Even if he will,it might be during the last period" Kate says.

"It's true. Come on,let's go back together. Let me help you to carry your bag" Alexis says.

"Alright, I'll go if you'll carry my bag" I say and we all laugh.

"Better stop this your last born attitude o. So,if she doesn't carry your bag,you won't go. Mumu 'pikin'" Emma says as we walk out of the lab.

"As if you're not a last born too" I retort and hiss.

We get to our class and I collect my backpack from Alexis as we all return to our chairs. Lessons go on but I don't pay attention to any of the teachers. I'm engrossed in my thoughts of past, present and future.

***

I'm still deep in my thoughts when I feel a hand tapping me. I blink several times to focus on my environment and notice that Cassie is trying to tell me something.

"...outside and he's calling your name. Amara! Snap out of it! I think your mum's here" Cassie says.

I look towards the door and see a teacher standing there. He's talking to...me. I shake my head to clear it. I notice the fact that our Chemistry teacher is in the class which signifies that it's the last class for the day before our extra lessons.

"Amara Eze! Come out here. I've been calling you. Are you deaf or what? Or...where you sleeping in class?" The teacher outside, Mr. Stephen shouts.

In a blink,I find myself rushing out of the class that I almost trip. I get to him and apologize for not answering on time.

"Your mum asked me to call you. She wants to see you. She's waiting in the principal's office".

"Okay sir. Thank you sir" I say and run towards the principal's office.

I get there and knock before entering. I see my mum handing over a bank teller to him. I greet them both. He examines the teller and refers my mum to our examinations officer,Mr. Joel. We thank him and walk out of his office. When we've given the office some distance,I look at my mum askance.

"The man gave me the money this morning. I've been in the bank trying to pay the fees for you since..." She starts to say. I scream and jump into her arms in an embrace.

"Thank you so much mum. Thank you. I thought I won't be able to pay again. I thought I might not write the exams" I say with tears in my eyes. She pulls away from me to talk.

"I promised you that I'll try my best. You don't expect me to fold my hands and watch my only daughter miss her exams. Even if he hadn't agreed to loan me the money,I would have borrowed from other people" she says.

"I can't thank you enough mum. I'm grateful for everything. I love you mum".

"I love you too. Now,you should head back to class so you don't miss any more lesson. I'll go and see your exams officer so he'd convert this teller to a receipt and cancel your name from that stupid list" she concludes and starts walking towards the man's office.

"Okay mum. Bye!" I say and head back to class. I'm halfway there before I hear the bell for dismissal. I missed out a lot today because I couldn't focus. I'll have to pay attention during the extra classes so I don't miss out a whole day. I'm still thinking about the subjects I missed when I get to class and see Michael seating on my chair and looking through my locker.

"Christ! This dude doesn't have any single respect for my privacy. What the hell does he want now?" I think as I walk towards him.