Clinically Diagnosed

"Raven, we don't care that you don't want to go,"my mum said angry. "But I'm feeling sick and I need to rest, my heart hurts a lot,"I said tired. I've payed considerably since she saw me, she knows it's not fake but she won't accept the fact that she was wrong.

"Raven,"the receptionist shouts. I sigh while I look at my brother and sister who look torn. I get up, dragging my rather heavy oxygen tank. My eyes carry the weight of heavy bags, my heart feels like it's running a marathon. I get into the psychologists office and I just sit there, I collapse heavily into the seat.

"Hello Raven, so why'd you come today?"she asked happily. "Well my parents made a mistake in the appointment, they were supposed to make me go to a physiotherapist. I honestly don't know how they got it wrong,"I said annoyed right now for having to sit here while my heart feels like an out of tune song beating in my chest.

"I apologize for that! Well let's not waste this appointment,"she said kindly. I nod. "How long?"I asked rather tired. "Um an hour,"she said worried. I sigh deeply, but soon stop due to a sharp pain in my chest. "So anything been happening lately?"she asked concerned. "A lot of medical things,"I said with deep annoyances laced into every word. "Did your feelings change towards life?"she asked concerned.

I knew where she was going with this. "Um yeah. I feel hopeless. I don't see the point of living if I can't live. I'm scared to do anything. No one believes me. I can't do anything I love. I'm just tired of life,"I said with tears brimming in my eyes. She sighed.

"Have you ever considered taking your life?"she said worry starting to show. "Yes!"I said without hesitation, "maybe then my parents will realize that I'm not ok, that I was not ok, that I was dying on the inside while they just didn't believe. They just watched me break into a thousand shards of glass but they put it back together without any glue believing it would stay or go back to what it was."

The psychologist looks at me sadly. "Do you want to do the things you love anymore?"she asked with the same pity showing. "No, I can't it's impossible. I even had to drop school. I miss doing the things I love. I can't write without pain, I can't play without pain or fear of a heart problem, I can't go to school because I can't remember or learn anything. I just wish I could confidently walk up those treacherous stairs and off that high and mighty building,"I said with deep sorrow, tears flowing like when a dam bursts. The sobs racking my body like a storm.

"Calm down, I know you're not feeling well. I don't want you to waste your life, I know it's hard!"she said motivationally. I sigh. "How do you know it's hard?"I asked harshly. "Not like exactly what you're going through but I was a very sickly child and my whole family hated me so much that they put me up for adoption,"she said sadly.

"Are you trying to tell me that I might get benefits? I mean I'm missing more school and I'm losing out on years of my life cause no one can tell me what I freaking have,"I said seriously. "I wish I could help but I'm not a doctor-doctor,"she said seriously. "I'm not a doctor but I can find a diagnosis faster than them,"I said confidently. "Have you?"She asked curiously. I nod.

"Well that's the hour up, if you wanna come back you can. We can meet soon then if you want, I can make an appointment,"she said kindly. I shook my head, "My family will never let me do this too." She sighed. "I'll come to your house but for now. You are being diagnosed with depression and you probably have anxiety. I'm going to give you pills but it has side effects so,"she said kindly. "Thanks, I'll see if I want to take it,"I said kindly.

As soon as I endured the long ride of torturous explanation and argument, I went to check up the side effects of depression pills.

Wow, I didn't think it would be that many.

Um, I already have heart problems so I'm kinda worried. I should check if with my heart problem this is a good idea.

Ok, I'm not taking these antidepressants. It's not a good idea with my two heart problems. I'm sweating profusely at the thought of dying for the 4th or 5th time. I'm terrified of feeling that last breath, those last memories, that last moment.

I think and think about my thoughts, my tiresome thoughts of leaving all that there is in this life, to die. To take what's left, to take control. What's the point of taking something that's been taken already so many times? I wish I understood why it's so satisfying to think your taking your life when honestly I fought to survive yesterday or the day before. My tears fell silently. I then hear sobbing. I think it's my mum! I walk into my younger sisters room, dragging my oxygen tank.

"What's wrong mum?"I asked kindly. "Nothing! Go to bed please!"she said rather rudely. "If you don't want to accept the fact that I'm sick, I get it. Just stop being so cold and distant. You're still my mum, you should be supporting me. I'm struggling here. I feel like I'm drowning and all I want is for you to be there for me,"I said sadly. A loud crack sounds as I turn around. I nearly scream in pain but I remember Fawn is sleeping so I hold it back.

"Mum please help me!" I scream whisper. She turns around and sees my shoulder is completely dislocated. "Oh my god,"she said scared. She drags me to my room, closes the room. I sit on my bed and she clicks it back into place, I make no sound. "Mum, you don't have to believe. Just don't say you don't believe me,"I said and sighed.

My mum got up and left in tears.