A Partial Answer

I decided today that I would stop feeling sorry for myself. I'm going to try to be as normal as possible, though I don't know how you can be normal when you're walking around with an oxygen tank.

Today is the first day of my no-school anymore day. I see my friends going to school so unhappily, but they don't realize how lucky they are getting to go to school so freely, without any restrictions. I sigh deeply at this thought. I shake those thoughts out of my mind and heart, I decide to travel downstairs with my oxygen mask in tow. I nearly trip and fall, but my brother catches me just before the crash. My heart is aching at the very thought of that treacherous fall.

"Are you ok?" he asked after catching me. I think to myself, what a weird question to ask at this moment in life. I nod my head in response, my mind's still lagging behind from the shock of a near fall. He sighs deeply. He walks me down the stairs until I reach the breakfast table. I usually don't eat breakfast but its late and I haven't eaten home-food in forever. Pancakes, bacon, eggs, toast and orange juice. My father walks in from the hallway, he sleeps in the guest room, and he places himself right beside me. Fawn is going to have a fit.

"Good morning Raven! That psychologist we went to said that she wants to see you again, so you are going to go every Saturday," he said like it was so easy. "That's a lot of travelling to do from here to there," I said confused. I saw my mother's position change. "Yeah, that's cause you have to come live with me, you can't live with mom because she has to work," he said like it was so obvious. "You work as well," I said seriously, "so mum gets what she wants and I stay alone either way."

He sighs deeply. "Your mom can't handle caring for all three of you kids, especially now," he said seriously. "Now only! She never wanted me here! And she's taking care of two kids! Me and Fawn, Chase barely lives here," I say, the anger boiling like the water in the pot on the stove.

"Just say it!" I say angrily. "Say what, Raven," he asked patiently. "Say that she doesn't want me here because I'm a burden and she doesn't love me anymore. "I can't say something that isn't true," he said seriously. "Then let her tell me why she hates me so much and why she doesn't want me around anymore," I asked angrily.

"I can't believe that you are sick when there's no proof," she said sadly. "NO PROOF! Must I die again, just so you can believe that there is something wrong with me," I shouted at my mother. "No, I believe that your heart isn't ok. I just can't believe that you can't go to school, that you are in pain and that you have to carry that thing around all the time," she said with disappointment evident in her face.

Ring! Ring! Ring!

The phone ringing takes the tension away from this tense conversation that's bound to end in someone's harm. My mum sniffles and grabs the phone roughly,

"Hello! Who's this speaking?" My mum walks away with the phone in hand. I follow behind her without her knowing. "So you want us to come because?" she said and then sighs deeply. "So you're saying that she has to do the surgery this weekend?" she said sadly. "She has to stay there three days and you're doing extra tests for what?" She asked and then she started crying again. "So you think you might know what's wrong with her that relates to her heart only or to all the symptoms we told you already?" She asked and then sighed. "Ok we'll talk more when we come tomorrow," she said sadly.

"So what did he say?" I asked hurriedly. She jumped in shock at my sudden appearance. "Were you eavesdropping?" she asked a bit annoyed. "Ofcourse I was eavesdropping, I don't know when to believe if you have my best interests at heart anymore. I know I need to go to the doctor tomorrow and all, but what did he say when you asked about the diagnoses?" I asked and said seriously.

"Is our relationship always going to be like this now Raven?" she asked seriously. "Don't change the subject right now. The time for reconciliation can come later, but right now I need to know what he said about me," I asked seriously. "He said that he can only tell us tomorrow," she said seriously. " If I find out tomorrow that you lied, I will never forgive you," I said like a childish teen that couldn't see past the now.

I walk away, walk up those shark-like stairs and sit in my room the whole day. I only go out to grab food and I walk straight back into my room, I isolate myself until the next day comes. The sharp pants of pain in my heart and all over my body never ceases to disappear no even for a second.

I wake up the next day in a lot of pain, I can barely push myself out of the bed. I know I need to go to the doctor, but I'm so not in the mood to roll out of this bed. I eventually roll out of the bed and crawl, sorta, to my oxygen mask. I 'crawl' downstairs and grab the Panadols while everyone stairs at me. I get the water, I do this without standing at all, I then gulp down two pills with no food in my tummy at all.

I then force myself up and I feel my heart pound, I feel the pounding in my head. I then see black. When I wake up, I am already in the hospital bed. I sigh deeply. "Hello Raven!" the doctor said kindly. "Hi," I said sadly. "Oh and I'm blessed with words," he said happily. I laughed alittle. "Ok! You know you have a surgery due in like 3 to 4 days. Then we have decided to do some tests so we can see if there's anything related to your other symptoms," he said seriously. I sigh deeply not believing that 2 to 3 months has already gone by.

"So do you think you know what it might be?" I asked seriously. "We can't be certain of anything, so until we know I can't tell you anything. We have leads! We have all your symptoms, fainting etc," he said kindly. I nod happily. He left immediately after with all my unanswered questions still evident on my ever growing list of worries and reasons for wanting to just die. I still can't believe my heart doctor is helping me discover what's wrong with me.