chapter 8: The Lighter Side To Death
10-26-2008
Aberdeen, TX
Farmer John, who was equal parts dumb and ugly, was working on his farm. His farmhand, Chester, was in awe of his boss' daughter, Daisy. All Chester wanted to do was plant his seed into Daisy, so the two sneak off in the hay bales, however, the horses give them away and an angry John chases Chester as Daisy watches on. Chester ducks into a truck and loses John, but is crushed to death by a stinky payload of manure. As Daisy opens the truck door, Chester's lifeless arm appears and she screams, then whines, "Why does this always happen to me?"
Way To Die #314: Dung For
Date: December 21, 1978
Location: General Hospital, San Francisco, CA
A couple Monica and Hans, eat live snails and ingest "Angiostrongylus cantonensis", parasites that travel through their bloodstreams to their brains, where they feed on their brain matter until the couple dies a week later (with Hans telling Monica that he's a closet homosexual trying to get more closet time just before the two die, she says "I hate you." softly, but when he says "I hate...", he died and then Monica died).
Way To Die #622: es-scar-gooed
Date: 11-27-2004
Location: Flint, MI
Second-rate magician Dolph Scott, under the stage name "The Great Dolphino" , who does magic shows for less-than-enthusiastic audiences, is ready to perform the final magic trick of the show: the bullet catch, a deadly and dangerous stunt.
Mandalite, his ex-girlfriend assistant who grows tired of him, has a blank-filled gun in her hand. Dolph, with a real bullet already secretly hidden in his mouth, says some magic words which are actually gibberish and waves his wand on the gun, tapping it. When the trick is performed, a death actually does happen.
Dolph's jugular vein is severed by the chunked-tip of his wand, which was dropped into the gun barrel when he tapped it, and he falls down, as dead as his act, with neck in hand, and the bullet falls out of his mouth.
Mandalite doesn't get away with murder--just wishful thinking, and with Dolph dead, she can finally do solo shows in Vegas. The now-awakened audience is amazed, applauding the late Great Dolphino.
Way To Die #401: Take Your Best Shot
Date: 02-08-2002
Location: Fort Wayne, IN
On February 8, 2002, investigators found 2 young men lying dead, with a video camera close by. The confiscated tape reveals a very stupid and avoidable death. The 2 men were desperate stoners, who had run out of their precious marijuana. As the tape shows, they set out to sample anything they thought that provide "a buzz." The 2 potheads were so desperate, they actually tried smoking horse droppings. Finally, as the tape shows, the young dopers made a discovery: an unknown green would certainly get them high. Suddenly, the 2 men start vomiting. The misguided youths didn't realize they had smoked the leaves of Poison Sumac, the most toxic plant species in the United States. It caused the alveoli in their lungs to swell up and fill with fluid, a reaction known as pulmonary edema, and they both died within minutes from asphyxiation.
Way To Die #421: Weed Wacked
Date: 07-04-1969
Location: Anniston, GA
The Civil War had been over for 2 years, but somehow these rag-tied group of rebel soldiers never got the message. Private Willie Holmes was born by the war and decided to take off, but he got caught trying to sneak away when he was branded a deserter and sentenced to death by firing squad.
Having battled side by side with him since the beginning of the war, his buddies are now facing the unpleasant duty of whacking their beloved Willie. Their hard bastard colonel wasn't about to let Willie off the hook. The only medals Willie was going to get were 4 lead slugs to the chest.
But a funny thing happened on the way to Willie's execution: Everyone fired, and everyone missed. And even funnier: He's dead. Something was definitely not right.
Adrenaline levels secreted from Willie's nervous system went way off the scale as he imagined the bullets riddling his body. It was like a lightning bolt to his heart. He suffered a massive carnory and died without a scratch.
Way Of Death 221: Hot Shot
Date: 08-16-1996
Location: New Orleans, Louisiana
A man named Donny was a fellow who constantly got laughed out of the men's locker room and out of the bedroom for his "small crotch rocket.". Donny wants to impress women with a "large package." Knowing his penis won't cut it, he uses surgical tubing to tie a 12-inch kielbasa sausage to his upper thigh. The ladies and some men were drawn to his "package." However, he ties the sausage so tight that it cuts off his circulation. The blood in his clogged artery forms into a clot over the next several hours, eventually killing him at a night club.
"For Donny, size mattered a little too much. But for one night, this tiny, tiny man had something special between his legs...something to die for."
Way To Die #510: Kill Basa
Date: 01-09-2009
Location: White Plains, NY
Jack, an alcoholic, wanted to talk to Jill in order to make out with her. He gets ready for a fight with her boyfriend Tim. Jack tried to intimidate him by smashing a bottle, but he cuts his hand open. He then turns into a laughing stock and runs away. After cleaning everything up, he goes back to start the fight again. Before he can attack, however, he falls to the ground and is dead. It turned out that a small piece of broken Glass entered the blood flow and went to his heart, where it caused internal bleeding and heart failure, sending the failed bar fighter straight to Hell.
Way To Die #364: Crappy Hour