Chapter 14: Death Bites!
WARNING:
Some of the scenes coming up will contain mild to moderate sexual themes, proceeded with caution you beautiful horny bastards!!!
Date: 04-06-2005
Location: Omaha, Nebraska
Ray Roberts was a chubby chaser who was helping women to lose weight. Until he found a woman who the narrator called "Big Bess". She was 400 pounds and Ray knew he had hit the "mother-load". They have a couple of drinks and then go upstairs to the bed. They start off with oral stimulation. They eat donuts, and they start having sex afterwards. Big Bess' heart couldn't take the stress and she was knocked unconscious, landing on top on Ray. Her ass crushes his chest and her breasts cover his face and he is unable to breathe. He finally asphyxiates to death. When she comes through, she sees his dead body and is saddened by it.
Way To Die #451: Ass-phyxiated
Date: 03-03-2003
Location: Boston, MA
Arnold was a fat freak in training for his frat-house's fart competition. He hired Max Beers who was known as "The Gas-Master", for the reason that he was the best at sphincter workouts. After a bunch of workouts, Max was ready to give Arnold a "test burn", not knowing how flammable farts were (as they contain methane gas). He lights a lighter in front of Arnold's butt and Arnold lets it out. Arnold's fart was so big that it was enough to light Max on fire and he died.
Way To Die #103- Work Of Fart
Date: 09-09-1998
Location: New York City, NY
May was a talented violinist. In her mind, her greatest anatomical treasures were her hands. But May did have one major flaw, one sour note in her symphony of beauty and talent, she was a total klutz. In other words, she is clumsy. One day, as she was going out to perform at a concert, she rolled on top of her ankle and falls down a flight of stairs. Refusing to break the fall with her hands, May slams her head against the wall near the bottom of the steps, cracking her skull and killing her.
Way To Die #76: Crash-endo
Date: 08-04-2003
Location: Macon, GA
A convicted robber named Mort was on the run. His latest felony, armed robbery, would put him in jail for good, if he was captured. The cops take a break, but Mort hides in a drainage pipe, because what better place for a human rat to hide out in? The cops gave up, saying that they're getting too old for this. Mort was not going to take any chances so he continued his crawl and the pipe kept getting smaller and smaller until he predictably got stuck. In a short amount of time, he went from surrendering to apologizing to crying. Day turned to night, and for the first time in his life, Mort was scared; make that terrified. Mort heard a sound so he lit his lighter to find out what it was. Mort saw some rats appear causing him to scream. Needing a way past Mort, the rats attacked him, ate through his eye, and right through his brain. Unfortunately, Vyshali Rao says that this is one of the most gruesome deaths imaginable. The next morning, Mort's face had skin ripped away, his eyeball destroyed and brain matter eaten away by the rats, sending this robber to the hell he deserves.
Way To Die #505: Vermin-ated
Date: 12-23-2008
Location: Milwaukee, WI
Claude, a dying elderly man, was almost climaxing but the only thing keeping him alive was a cartoon show. His French maid named Fifi was in his house. Then she performs a striptease to get him off as an early Christmas gift.. She then wrapped Christmas lights 'round herself (which resembled an Xmas elf). Claude's respirator warned him about cardiac overload. Then she climbed right on him. Claude was getting nervous as his heart was beating. Sleigh bells were ringing in Claude's ear. Then as Claude went lights out, the lights went out as well. When the "maid" plugged in the lights, Claude's house couldn't take that much electricity. Before he went lights out, the lights went out. Much to her horror after seeing Claude dead. His respirator short-circuited and he died, thus sending him to Heaven.
Way To Die #106: French Fried
Date: 06-27-1994
Location: Palermo, Italy
Mario Bolusi, who made a mistake borrowing money from the Mafia and being unable to pay them back, is forced to dig his own grave while two mobsters, ignoring Bolusi's pleas, have a picnic nearby. Meanwhile, Bolusi digs up a World War II frag grenade and, not knowing what it is, throws it at the mobsters' picnic area. The grenade explodes in the mobsters' faces, killing them both instantly. Bolusi, shielded by the dirt and being below the blast radius of the grenade, survives and flees from the scene, happy to be free from them.
Way To Die #803: Blast-Away
Date: 11-04-2001
Location: Darien, CT
Cole was at his house trying to have sex with his mistress. He was given 3 pills of Viagra and put into his beer by his wife Janine, who's in failing marriage. Then Cole had 3 of his own. Then after, he gets a call from his mistress, who gave him 3 more prior to his arrival. Before we go any further, let's do the math. Cole was given 3 pills of Viagra by Janine. Then had 3 of his own. Then after, Cole's mistress gave him 3 more. So that's 9 times the recommended dose. During sex, too much blood races through Cole's system resulting in a fatal heart attack and he falls on his mistress.
Way To Die #186: Die-agra