Caution: Not a nightmare

I am trying to keep reminding myself the words that just came out of my father mouth. I keep saying the words again and again in my mind just to make sure what i just heard is right.

I am so shocked that i can't even blink, my eyes are wide open with shock. I stand there frozen. My mind is keep repeating everything just like a song on replay. I can't believe what just happened in this room seconds ago.

"Sahiba?!!" heena called with her low voice

"Huh? Wha-what just happened?" I look up at heena. A tear fell down from my eye.

"Sahiba. Its all right Please right now try to control yourself" Heena told me and Quickly dry my tear with her hand.

She is right. Right now i cant do this. I can't let anyone see me like this or even let them know what im feeling Right now. This room is full of my extended family members but i just can't do this because if they get to know im not happy with this. Which is absolutely true im not happy but i can't let them know because if i did they will say i am a 'Disgrace' to the family and my parents.

So right now i just have to go with whats happening here.

"Hmm" i replied heena and nod my head

Everyone is happy so Happy specially the old ones like my aunties uncles my grandma like this is what they've been waiting for. They bring out sweets from the kitchen and start to feed each other.

"Congratulations!! Welcome to the club faiz" one of the boys told faiz, probably abbas.

I look at faiz. All the boys are around him and congratulating him and hugging him. He is smiling. I dont know why i feel like he is not happy why would he be? but all i see is he is acting like he is happy maybe because of family. For the first time ever i feel like we are feeling the same. He look at me and just look away.

"Sahiba beta im so lucky to have you as my Daughter in Law!!" My Aunt Jahida said with a huge smile and kiss me on forehead.

Now she is gonna be my Mother in Law. Its so i don't know.. weird because it all happened so fast. I didn't say anything because there is a lot going in my mind its just happened so suddenly and quickly. I feeling so confused. My head is hurting so bad. I just smile. I wanted go away from all this. I start to walk upstairs.

"You want me to come with you?" Heena ask me concernly

"No. I want to be alone"

I start to leave.

"Sahiba where are you going?" My grandma ask

Im going to hell. wanna join? why i have to answer everything.

"My head is hurting im gonna sleep!!" I reply without even looking back

Tears started to burn in my eyes I take couple of steps forward tears starts to running down.

I look back as climbing the stairs and my eyes locked with Faiz's Eyes. Im sure he saw my Tears so I quickly look away and come back to my room.

I locked the door and sit down on bed i burst into tears. I don't know what exactly happened downstairs ten minutes ago. I was feeling so lost. More tears falls as I hear everyone laughing and enjoying.

••

•••

••

I woke up and as soon as i opened my eyes they felt like they were on fire and my head is hurting like hell. I didn't even know when i fell asleep. Once i was fully awake All the events from last night hit me. I wish it was a nightmare but its not a nightmare its reality. Reality of my life.

I remember my mom came last night and ask me hows my head? I didn't open the door and told her i need sleep. I lied because I was not ready to talk to or face anyone.

I stand up and go to the bathroom i wash my face. I realise i was in the same clothes that i was yesterday. I step into the shower and turn it on. Shower water is cold, not too much. Slowly slowly water running on my body. I can feel every drop on my skin from head to toe. Tears start to fall from my eyes. Shower water feels so good i stand there for more than 20 minutes. After finishing cleansing i wrap a towel around my body and another one on my hair. I step out of the bathroom and dressed into fresh clothes. I start to brush my hair.

Go interrupted by a knock on the door "Sahiba are you up? Open the door!" I recognise my mom's voice on other side of the door.

I put the hair brush on the table and open the door. "my baby is up. Hows your head?" Mom asked me with her concerning and soft voice

I didn't say anything. I just open the door and sit on the bed. Mom sit next to me. "I know you're upset about last night. Its all happening very suddenly for you I understand how you feelin-"

"No you dont, you don't understand no one does if you did you wouldn't done this to me" i never talk to my mom with that tone but i'm so frustrated i can't control

"Sahiba i'm your mother and i understand everything you feel. I understand you but you knew that you're gonna get an arrange marriage so don't be mad about that"

Mom is right i always knew that. But i didn't knew its going to happen that way.

"Yeah i knew and im not mad. I'm hurt and i feel wronged i can't believe this you all were planning and didn't even bother to tell me before this this big announcement?" i stopped talking because i feel like im gonna cry So i took a deep breath and continue

"Mom you know what is most hurting is that you YOU didn't tell me you are my mother and it really hurts when i think about it. I feel betrayed" tears start to falling with every word i say. Mom sit closer to me and hugged me holding me tightly closer to her.

"Don't cry i can't see you in tears. I tried to tell you yesterday but my attempt went fail. Your grandma wanted it to happen as soon as possible. Im really sorry sweetie" mom explain it to me

"Sahiba please say something" my mother requested

"Say What? I don't know what to say right now i always knew im going to have an arrange marriage and trust me i have no problem with that but i never knew it will happen this way. It's my life and it's really funny that i am the one whos engagement you all were announcing but i didn't even knew about that. Very funny isn't it? I was feeling like a complete idiot" I say as trying to wipe away my tears but it was waste cause there were more coming

"Yes there were discussions going on but Nothing was decided until night before eid once it was decided Your father told me to tell you in morning but i couldn't and then we all got so busy by the day and before i could told you it was already time to annouce i know it happen in wrong way and i know you should've get to know about this from me not from the announcement with living room full of people. And i am really sorry for that but trust me my love we had no intention to keep it from you." Her voice gentle and every word felt genuine and calming i looked at her questioning if she is telling the truth and i should trust her and she nodded her head confirming

She continue "and its only engagement there is time for marriage im sure you'll be able to accept this and Faiz is a really good boy and i truly believe he is gonna make you really happy"

FAIZ!!! God faiz i don't believe this. I can't even tolerate him for a minute but now I have to spend my whole life him. I really can't see it working.

"It feels very painful right now but i hope you will accept this and we haven't publicly announce the engagement yet once its announced it will be in media" mom stop and take my hand in her hand and continue

"Your official engagement ceremony is tomorrow night" mom told me in her soft voice

I looked at her with so many questions in my eyes. Engagement ceremony tomorrow night. It wouldn't be surprising if they tell its my marriage the day later. It feels like they had it all planned.

"Please honey sooner or later we have to do this!! Don't be sad everything is going to be okay and-"

"Mami! Mamu is calling you" Heena informed my mother about my father is asking for her

"Heena come sit please talk to her" my mother said to heena and left. Heena close the door and sit on the bed i was laying .

"Cmon get up. You ate breakfast?" Heena pull my arm and ask me. I didn't say anything just hug her very tight

"Shh stop crying sahiba i know you are sad it was very surprising for everyone but you always say Allah always do what is right for us so have faith its all gonna be alright just give it some time"

Heena is right! I have to give it all some time.

"How faiz feels about it?" I asked heena. I don't why i asked it.

"I don't know he didn't say much about it" she replied to me

"You remember you always say that no matter what is happening with you live a moment like it will never come again? Now Cmon forget about every negative thought. Tomorrow is your engagement ceremony just enjoy cuz you going to be engaged only once" Heena tried to cheer me up.

How do i tell her I'm doubting my own words. But i smiled knowing i have her with me "i wanna enjoy my bestfriend's engagement and i can't do it with you being like that. I had so many dreams for this day but i have to bury them in deep grave of my heart" i chuckled at her dramatic tone

Yesterday i was so excited for eid, enjoying my day and today my emotions and thoughts are complete mess. I really dont know what tomorrow will bring and I'm scared to find out.