Feeling of doubts

Mio's Pov.

It's been a week since the first day of school, the first day I met and became friends with Sam and a week since the incident.

I just woke up from the memory of what happened at the school cafeteria. I can still hear Amanda yelling at me, the beating I received from both her and Zoey...and Sam defending me. I hate this feeling! Because of me, Sam bickered with Amanda.

'...It's all my fault...'

I didn't realize that tears were running down my eyes and I ended up sobbing quietly squeezing the pillow now in my arms. Because of me, Sam hurt someone. It's always my fault! Now I'm scared that Sam might get in trouble because of me, she doesn't deserve to be friends with a loser, weak, ugly, fat, and a POOR person like me.

I cried non stop until I looked at my alarm clock, it was 7 am already, yet I couldn't find myself to prepare for the day. I feel lifeless...I felt dead inside. I was so into my thoughts I didn't notice my phone buzzing nonstop. I reached for it to see 20 miss calls and never-ending messages from Sam.

Sammy: Mio!

: Hey, you awake yet!

: Mionette! Don't fucking ignore me!

: Mio!! Are you not awake yet?

: Mio! Wake up or you'll be late.

: I'm serious Mio! You should wake up!

: Don't leave me on seen!!! Yah!

Mio: Good morning Sam ^^

Sammy: Morning to you too, but don't act cute.

Mio: Sorry if I couldn't reply, I just woke up.

Sammy: It's okay, at least you're awake now. I'll meet you later at the school gate, okay?

I paused for a moment, the feelings are coming back. I felt like crying again. "She doesn't deserve a worthless friend like me.." I muttered to myself clutching my phone while I continued staring at Sam's last message.

I hate this feeling! I hate being so worthless and getting Sam into my problems. I hate myself, I just hate myself.

I continued to cry and cry my heart out until I noticed I've been crying for a good 20 minutes already. I plucked the courage to prepare for the day and go to school even though I didn't felt like it. It was not the first time I felt this way, but it was stronger than before.

I slowly made my way to my bathroom, stripped my clothes off, and went to shower. The hot water from the shower poured down my skin, touching every inch of it. I am completely blank and just stared at the water going down the drain.

I was full of thoughts that I can't even organize it, I am completely lost and it hasn't even a month since class started. I left a deep sigh still staring at the drain when I notice something.

I saw the water dropping was getting tinted by the color red. I wondered where it came from but then it hit me. The red fluid was from my wrist, it was my blood!

I stared blankly at the drops of my blood, it didn't even hurt. I looked in my right hand to find that I was holding some scissors that surprised me.

'When did I got hold of these scissors?'

'Why did I cut myself?'

'Why doesn't it hurt?'

There are some of my thoughts right now but instead of stopping, I found myself cutting my left arm more. I don't know why but it bought me pleasure, I think.

Several more cuts and more blood leaving my body, I stopped cutting myself and stopped taking a bath.

I put down the scissors inside the cabinet with the rest of my toiletries, dried myself, and reached for some bandages to bandaged my arm. I didn't know why cutting myself felt good and made my mood better.

I shrugged off my bedroom after grooming myself, it was now passed 8 so I went straight out of the door but not before leaving some food for my father to eat when he wakes up.

As usual, I took the same route to my school, my earphones plugged in my ears listening to some music. Today the song that I played is 'Broken by Nightcore'. I don't know why I suddenly want to listen to this song.

I felt like I want to cry more, but I'm scared to worry people or even get ignored. Yes, people just neglect me every time, or they either bully and hurt me. It happens all the time and I felt so tired.

As the song keeps playing I felt like ending my life already, to get it over with. I don't know why I'm being like this, I'm utterly confused, afraid, angry, and other emotions I can't even describe. I felt throwing up but I haven't even eaten anything.

I felt the song I'm listening too, is talking to me or it tells what I want to say but can't. I kept dragging myself and finally, I reached the school gate and...

I saw no one...

Sam was not there...

What do I expect, I left her on read and did not reply to her. Maybe, she finally realized that she's too good for me. Now, I felt more miserable!

I sat on the side of the street, my back on the school walls and there I started crying again. I know I would never be seen by anyone, I would never have friends, I will never be happy! I'm so full of myself.

"Did you think she'll be there for you!" I muttered to myself between my sobs, "You'll always be alone! No one loves you! No one cares for you!" tears falling quicker and nonstop, but then someone lifted my head.

"Mio..." a soft and familiar voice whispered to me. I felt weaker when I heard it. I felt all the negative thoughts disappeared when I saw her face and made eye contact and then more tears escaped from me and my sobs grew louder.

"S-Sam!" I cried clinging to her. I hugged her tight and she hugged me back but more tightly.

"Why are you crying?" she asked me with a calming voice and drawing comfortable circles in my back trying to calm me down and it worked but I'm still crying. "I t-thought that you l-left and didn't want to be friends with m-me anymore!" I exclaimed between my sobs once again.

"Stupid! Why would I do that? I've been wanting to be friends with you since junior year." she trailed off pulling away and looking at me wiping my tears with her soft hands. "I'll never want to be not your friend. Don't think like that, okay?" she gave me a reassuring smile and help me get up.

"You okay now?" she asked me and I just nodded. "If there is something that happens or bothering you, just tell me, okay? I'm you frie-" she cut her self in the word she was about to say "...no scratched that, I'm your best friend, so you can always count on me!" she told me giving me a thumbs up.

I looked at her and smiled. The feelings and doubts I had earlier, all of it disappears. But there was something I still felt uneasy with. Sam told me to tell her if something happens, so should I tell her about me cutting myself?

When I saw her smiling, I shrugged the thoughts away and went with her inside the campus.

"Maybe I should just tell her some other time."