Chapter 2

***

It is so cold...

Where...am I?

What is this deep black space?

Is it...

...Nothingness?

So this is it, I guess.

I'm not sad.

A bit frustrated, though.

There was nothing that kept me alive, after all.

Living my life, dozing off, and having no destination whatsoever.

Other people were happy with their lives and accomplishments.

Mine, on the other, hand was a life with much same.

Nothing worth living for.

I'm actually quite proud of myself, that I could save a little girl's life.

I really do hope that she didn't bruise herself too much, after being hit by my, roughly, 110 pounds.

***

Do I have regrets?

If I could turn back time, there would definitely be some things I would have done differently.

Starting with how I tried to perceive others in this constant "acting" of mine.

Everyone got to know another "version" of me.

I tried to get along with as many people as possible.

I tried to make friends with everyone and make them feel comfortable near me.

I thought if I am popular, there will be happiness and satisfaction waiting for me at the end of the road.

However, there was nothing but desolation.

I realized the people I called "friends" were pure evil.

As soon as they had what they wanted, they threw me and my feelings into a trash can.

It did not matter who they were.

They all wanted money.

Soley the power of money.

I repeated the same mistake over and over again.

Once someone disposed of me, another one "reached" their hand out to me.

Everytime someone new appeared in my life, I hoped that this time I could be cherished as a friend.

I slipped into another role, literally adjusted myself, so they would feel comfortable around me.

This is how a new "version" of me was born.

Then, after a while, they stopped being friendly with me, because they were able to get what they longed for.

Be it either new clothes or a new console, once I bought it for them...

... I was a no one.

An entity with no value.

And I who was scared of being alone again kept buying everything they wanted.

"As long as they are my friends, I will keep buying them what they want", I thought.

"That's what friends do, isn't it?

How naive of me.

I guess I just couldn't resist, that hope was dwelling deep down in my heart...

***

I wonder if someone is mourning about me.

Rather, I'm hoping someone is grieving.

As proof of my existence.

Like every other human being, I was hoping that I would not be forgotten.

My father, with whom I did maintain no contact, whatsoever for the last 10 years?

Certainly not.

In his eyes, he was better of without me.

"Finally this nuisance is gone" is what he is probably thinking.

Then again, my life was so worthless that even I am unsure, whether I have the right to call my past life an "existence".

Despite having definitely lived, my life was not more than a mere waste of resources.

Whenever I was asked what I wanted in life, my first impulse was to say "nothing".

When the thought went through my mind that it didn't make any difference, nothing was going to make me happy anyways... I was torn in unspeakable fear.

Would it have made a difference if my dear mother was still by my side?

I don't know.

There was no way that I could have known, I can't see other timelines after all.

But I certainly do know that I am missing her.

Not only did I missed but I yearned for my mother's words.

I craved her angelic voice which made me happy again...

...her warm embracement whenever I was feeling down...

...her delicious food that made my day...

...her laughter whenever I tripped over something...

...her soft kisses on my forehead...

...and above all...

...her passionate love.

I think when my mother died when I was around 7 years old, my heart could not emotionally progress any further.

It was the last time I was happy.

I was waiting for love.

For her love.

After all this time I could finally reunite with her.

I was eagerly waiting for this cold, black, and lone reality to dimmer away and become a warm beloved place where I could finally be in my mother's warm arms again.

Even though I was in a state where I could not move nor express any feelings, I felt my chest tightening and tears flooding all over my face.

"MOOM! WAIT FOR ME!", I shouted with all my might.

"MOM! I AM HERE! YOUR SON!"

"I MISSED YOU!"

It was a painful sensation.

My chest kept tightening to the point I couldn't breathe properly.

"PL-PLEASE! DON'T LET ME ALONE AGAIN!"

I don't know what I was trying to achieve but I continued this shouting, hoping that eventually, my mom would pick me up as she used to do.

***

With tears and snot all over my face, I cried.

I do not know for how long I was crying.

I don't know how many hours, days, or weeks passed.

No, I didn't even know if the very concept of "time" could be applied to this reality.

But all of this did not matter.

The only thing that mattered was if I could see my Mom again.

***

I began to doubt if I was ever getting out of this dimension, I was stuck in.

"No more?"

"No hell nor heaven?"

"Is afterlife just this cold and lone abyss?" I questioned myself.

I refused to believe that there was no place where I could rest after my death.

"Even if it was me, there must be some sort of great beyond, right?

"..."

"...right?"

When my hope was on the verge of fading away I saw a white light emerging in this black depth.

My hopes were high.

I started running towards this bright light.

Was it even an act of "running"?

Maybe I was just imagining myself running towards it.

I don't know.

But I kept moving forward.

Again I started screaming.

"MOM! SO YOU'RE FINALLY HERE!"

"YOU TOOK SOME TIME!"

"BUT IT'S FINE NOW THAT YOU'RE FINALLY HERE!"

"TAKE ME WITH YOU!"

The light became bigger and brighter.

"MOM!"

"MOOOM!"

"MOOOOOM!"

Ultimately the light was so bright that the void was nowhere to be seen.

"Ah, It's warm." I thought.

"I'm at home, mom"

I slowly opened my eyes and clearly saw a new reality.

***