CHAPTER 11

Zagin crosses the distance that separates him from us angrily, takes Leceth by the neck and smashes his fist with all his might until he falls to the ground. Two more blows follow.

__ Stupid boy __ he yells at him with anger boiling in his veins __. What kind of fucking sick are you?

With the last blow, Leceth's half-naked body hits the dresser, smashing it. He does not get up, gasps of pain escape from his lips, while threads of blood flow from the cracks in them.

Zagin jerks away angrily, turns to fix his gaze on me in horror. I cover my body as much as I can with the remains of my nightgown. He approaches slowly, I can't help but walk away until I'm cornered against the wall. I don't want him to touch me, I don't want anyone to touch me.

__ Quiet, no one will hurt you __. He takes the sheet from the ground and spreads it to cover my nakedness. He walks away step by step until he reaches where Leceth is already starting to stand up and fix his clothes __. You and me damn miserable, we have to talk __. He drags it towards the exit until he disappears from my sight.

I am not entirely alone, the storm has not yet passed. It's like being in the eye of a hurricane, the worst part is yet to come. Kiara is still there, quiet, she even seems to breathe. He just looks at me, with hatred, pity, disgust, or all those together. He advances slowly until he is closest to me, he falls on the mattress with a blank look.

__ How many? __ inquires with a voice devoid of emotion.

Instantly I understand the question he hardly dares to ask. I have spent so many years keeping this secret, at times without realizing it I have come to believe that, if no one knows, then it has not happened. I have fantasized that this day would never come, that I would never have to face their stares.

It's not my fault, I'm aware of that, or at least a part of me is. The other always searched through the memories what it is that I could have done wrong. Even now that part of me continues to do so. My mind travels in the gaps of my past screaming that we could have done something.

That is my truth, I feel guilty, disgusted with myself, because in one way or another it is my person that has awakened those unhealthy desires, it is me, it is for me.

__ He ​​has never succeeded __ I answer. God only knows how much it costs me to hold back, but I have to. I owe her the truth no matter what saying it out loud after seven years causes my soul.

__ Today? __ I only deny.

I see him struggle to be strong, but a sob leaves his lips. I can't even imagine what it's like for her to find out and, in the worst way, how much she must feel.

__ Since when? __ whispers fearing the answer.

This conversation is not good, not for her, not for me. Knowing it will only tear her apart more and I swear I don't want that. Each of her questions, each ounce of pain that flows from her, slowly pierces my soul, tearing me apart.

__ Since when Suhaila? __ demands between screams. His gaze is blurred by the tears that do not stop falling, lets see what I already know. She is shattered, every part of her is slowly shattering, a part of me is to blame and there is nothing I can do to stop feeling that way.

__ Since I was sixteen __ I confess. I hide my gaze, I refuse to see the damage that three words can do in a life, in his life.

__ Oh my God __. He gets up, walking away in horror, covers his face so as not to look at me __. That's why ... that's why ...

__ For refusing me, she made me a slave __ I conclude with a ragged voice what she cannot.

An intense burning lashes my cheek as his hand hits my face. I touch the place feeling the throbbing on my skin, but even carnal pain can be compared to what I feel inside. I don't hate him for it, I can't.

__ You should have told me! __ screams with all the anger that has been accumulating.

__ And what would you have done? __ I force myself to look up, not lower my head, no more __. What could you have done to stop him?

His eyes widen looking at me in pain. But I am not going to retract, I am tired of paying the faults that do not touch me. Tired of suffering for years the injustice imposed at the hands of the strong just because belonging to the female sex declares me weak. Being a woman makes me a puppet forced to live day after day a mediocre and sinister tragedy at the hands of a dominant sex that takes pleasure in crushing and trampling what few delays of pride and self-esteem that can remain within me.

__ Nothing __ whispers and looks away.

He slowly leaves, closing the door, leaving me alone with my misery. At least now, alone, I can unload everything I feel, hit, break everything in my path, until I drown in the pillow all the screams that I have always kept. All the pain I keep quiet, until my throat can't take it anymore.

I don't want, I don't want to go back to that place in my mind where I locked up all those moments. The one I hate the most is that day where it all began.

It was November 9, I had woken up happy and how not to do it if it was my birthday. Leceth had never shown love for me, since she was a child she didn't bother to hide her contempt from me. But despite everything, he was my older brother, I loved him.

Although a part of me always feared him, incomprehensible to my young mind at the time, but something in the brightness of his eyes when he looked at me and brushed his fingers down my cheek letting him run down my shoulder, told me that I should take care of him. I never understood to what extent, until that day, right after my little party where there were only two guests, Kiara and Leceth, he walked into my room.

That night my life changed, that innocence in my mind disappeared like the morning mist, leaving a gray sky that took away the brightness of happiness in my eyes. That night, a part of me died and the other was ripped apart, shattered with no hope that the pieces would one day come together.

Between fragmented memories and broken sobs I wander in a haze of memories and reality that envelops me and slowly takes over even my will.

The sun begins to rise for India, its rays warm as the dim dawn transforms into a bright sunny day, brings its usual scorching heat, but still I feel cold. It is not the typical cold that bristles your skin until you wrap yourself in a warm coat. Mine is an internal one, one that won't go away.

I'm still in the same corner where I dropped hours ago. Stuck to the side of the big bed where hours before I fantasized about a good night of dreams, I thought that in a few hours my life would resume its course.

How wrong I was.

Nothing took its course, my whole stormy life turned into an even worse one. Right now I would give anything as long as none of this had happened. Seven years of being silent, seven years of feeling how my soul is being torn inside, seven years of imploring for an end to so much suffering in the darkness of my slave bedroom and all for what.

Now I pay the price again for what is not my fault, now I pay the consequences of a crime that I have not committed. I am the victim and yet I am the one who is still locked up, imprisoned in this golden cage like a criminal.

On the floor, everything that once made up the decoration of the room is scattered, broken lamps, ruined pillows with small feathers floating in the air. The dresser lies shattered on the floor, the torn curtains move slowly in the light breezes that filter through the broken glass.

But it doesn't bother me, because this whole room looks exactly how I feel, decomposed, shattered and only cared for under someone's decision when they have found some use for me.

The hours pass slow and stormy, they leave the aftermath of a lethargy alien time. I know that outside these walls there is a world, one that is undoubtedly falling, fragmented under that weak layer that one day hid its cracks. Nothing is heard but the low whistles of the breezes that touch the Korkmaz mansion.

The cloak of night soon comes to claim what is his from heaven. The great door that keeps me locked up opens, my heart beats out of control for the uncertainty. A plump white-haired lady enters, holding a tray with what appears to be my food. It's been a whole day that I haven't seen or heard from anyone, but I'm grateful that it's her and not Leceth.