Chapter 26

I, I keep a record of the wreckage of my life

I gotta recognize the weapon in my mind

They talk shit, but I love it every time

And I realize

I've tasted blood and it is sweet

I've had the rug pulled beneath my feet

I've trusted lies and trusted men

Wanna know why I’m playing such a hard core song? It’s because I’m angry. In order not to take it out on anyone, I came here to pour out my anger the only way I knew how to; by painting

Luckily, the art teacher gave us permission to come here after school if we felt like.

No, I won’t smile but I’ll show you my teeth

And imma let you speak if you just let me breathe

I’ve been polite but won’t be caught dead

Letting a man tell me what I should do in my bed

I sat down and drew as hard as I could on my sketchpad, constantly knocking down the board pretending it was Cindy’s face. Bitch. Bully. Whore. Meanie.

“Whoa” a chuckle sounded from the exit “What’s got you in a bad mood?”

I turned to the direction of the voice. It was Mr. Henderson. He looked so good leaning by the door that I had to do a double take- scratch that – a triple take

I remembered how jealous I was yesterday when I saw him talking to Cindy but all traces of envy disappeared when I saw him smile at me like I was the only thing that mattered.

My breathing increased when he walked over to me. How can one person affect me like this?

He sat on the chair beside me. The fresh scent of vanilla hit my nose. How can someone be so effortlessly attractive?

He took a look at my painting and chortled. I drew a stick figure pinned so a stake with fire burning underneath.

“I don’t know who offended you Ruby but violence is never the answer” he joked

“I know. That’s why I’m taking out my anger here instead of on the person”

He shook his head

“I’m scared of you”

Oh honey. You should be

“What have you been up to?” he questioned “I didn’t get to talk to you yesterday’

Of course, you didn’t. You were too busy letting that whore face suck up to you yesterday.

I drew so hard that the paper tore. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath

Calm down

Calm down

“Wanna talk about it?’ he asked, his voice laced with concern

“I’m just tired of bullies” I snapped

He looked confused

“Okay?”

“Why do people think it’s cool to put other people down? Huh? If not for those horrible people my brother would still be alive”

I did t even realize I was crying till he used his thumb to wipe my eyes. I closed my eyes to let the tears fall freely and slowly. I miss Rainer so much. I just wish he was here with me.

“I don’t know what’s going on because you aren’t giving me much detail but I’m sorry you’re going through this. You’ll be fine”

He caressed my hair. I just stared at the wall blankly. Why is life so unfair?

He took one of my sketchpads and went through my drawings while I continued with my painting. His eyes lingered on a particular image. His eyes ran through it like he was trying to understand the picture

“What’s the story behind it?” he asked

It was a drawing I did in class a few days ago; a princess locked in a tower.

“It’s me vs. society” I explained

He raised his eyebrows in confusion

“Society wants me to behave a certain way. The president’s daughter has to be an elegant, responsible, and poised but nobody knows that I’m going through a lot. I’m not perfect and I never will be. I should be allowed to make mistakes too but nobody understands which makes me locked away in my own thoughts and crisis”

‘Wow” he breathed “that’s….”

“Deep? Yeah I know”

His lips curved in a smile. He took his time to flip the pages of my sketch book. I felt appreciated as he did that.

I admired his beautiful features. His strong jaw line, his dark hair, his petty brown eyes, his everything.

“I would like to draw you sometime” I said

I should. I couldn’t think of a better muse

“Sure. Tomorrow?”

I grinned in delight

“Tomorrow then.”

He looked at me intensely

“What?” I asked him

“The sun… on your hair….your face” he sounded breathless “you’re gorgeous”

We were sitting so close. I knew what was supposed to happen next. If this happens, there is no going back.

He’s a seminarian that’s supposed to be a priest in a short time while I’m a troubled girl who got sent away from home. It’s not supposed to happen like this. It never happens like this. It’s forbidden. One of us is going to get heartbroken at the end- and its most likely going to be me.

My heart beat faster as our faces came closer to each other. If this happens, it cannot be undone.

I have never felt a strong attraction to anyone like this. I know that if I kiss him, know how his lips taste, forever binding my dreams to the taste of his lips, my heart may never beat the same again.

I waited for what seemed like eternity.

One would have thought I would make the first move but boy was I wrong. He leaned in and pressed his lips to mine. Before I could re-think it, his hands cupped my face pulling me closer and that was when I lost it. In that moment, I realized that he was just a man after all. He felt the attraction too as much as I did

He has feelings like every other human being. People expect the religious (pastors, priests, reverend sisters) to be pure as snow, to be without sin, putting too much pressure on them but people forget that they are human too.

They are bound to feel emotions of the heart as well. Isn’t that the essence of living? Isn’t that a part of being human? To feel. To feel these emotions are what keep us alive. In that moment, I know I could not judge Sister Martha for loving Annabelle

He kissed me slowly at first, his tongue moving swiftly against mine, sending wild spark of electricity down my spine, invoking feelings I ever knew I was capable of feeling.

Our mouths moved in sync

Our tongues danced in harmony

He tastes like vanilla

He tastes like affection

He tastes like lust

He tastes like pure satisfaction of my deepest desires

When we pulled away, we were breathless

“That was…” I was speechless

He was breathing heavily

“Perfect” he completed “it was perfect”