Chapter 14

February 2015

"I just can't understand why you have to leave!"

I was chortled awake by Mama's shout. She sounded frustrated.

"Are you hearing yourself, Tina!?" a man shouted back, "That offer is a big opportunity for me and you're gonna be like that!?" I realized that it was the man who has a hair like that of girls. I frowned and sat up. Why was he here in the middle of the night?

"You said you wouldn't leave! That you'll stay here!"

"Tina, I can't turn down that promotion", the man who has a hair like that of girls explained helplessly. "That'll do me big! And also you! If you want, you can come me? We'll move together."

"What about my children?" I heard Mama asked and the man who has a hair like that of girls answered, "I mean, we can leave them with Stella. We can just send them allowance and maybe visit every mont--"

"--Are you fucking insane?!" Mama snapped, "They are my children, Vans! I can't just leave them!"

"Then what do you want me to do?!"

"Choose", Mama answered with conviction, "Choose between me or that promotion. If you leave now then we're over."

"Tina", I heard the man who has a hair like that of girls called helplessly.

Just when I thought that they had resolved their fight and had already retired, I heard the door opening and closing. After that, there was an utter silence but the most heartbreaking cry I had ever heard broke it.

Through the whispering sound of the night, the woman whom I thought had no heart had her heart shattered and streamed through her eyes.

~

I was sitting at a waiting shed near the school while looking down at my wriggling feet. School has already ended but I didn't feel like going home yet so I went here.

"Really, Tati? You're gonna go on with that kind of mindset? That's shit."

"How can I when you're being so in denial with it?"

"You should really give yourself a break, Tati."

"You're taking advantage of yourself."

James' word were playing in my head like a broken record. It hit me hard. Really hard. My eyes got blurry when tears swarmed around my eyes.

"What are you doing here?" someone startled me. I looked up and saw a frowning James. "Have you been crying?"

"No", my voice cracked, much to my disappointment. He didn't say anything and just sat beside me.

We stayed there for a couple of minutes with just the silence doing its work. We had looked at everything but each other, both afraid of what we might see in our eyes.

"Have you been thinking about what I said earlier?" James finally broke the silence.

I took a few seconds before answering, "Sort of." He didn't say anything after.

"I'm trying, you know", I murmured, "I'm just so messed up in a lot of ways that it's so hard. Do you think I had never told myself what you told me earlier? Those advices everybody else told me, I had said them to myself even before they could. I will always remind myself that I shouldn't do this because it's shit, I shouldn't do that. I shouldn't be like this, I shouldn't be like that. I should be more like this, I should be more like that. I had told every fucking thing to myself. Everything that I know would help me feel better, be better but", I stalled when a lump formed on my throat, hindering me from speaking. "But I just can't do it. I can't", my voice cracked again as I tried to stop my tears from falling but they were stubborn as always.

James pulled me closer to him as he enveloped me into a warm embrace. "Shh, it's okay. You don't have to force yourself", James consoled me gently that made me cry harder.

We stayed like that longer that we had expected. The whole time he was just smoothing my hair while whispering comforting words to me. And although, I just wanted to stay in his cozy hug forever, I inched away saying, "I'm okay now."

He studied me and smiled. "I'm really not kidding when I said you look beautiful even with tears."

I snorted hoarsely , "Stop flattering me when I'm down, would you?"

"Why would I when all I say is true?"

He chuckled when I just glared at him. "Do you wanna go somewhere else?" he then asked out of the blue.

My brows furrowed as I looked around. "The sun will set soon", I pointed out, my voice still hoarse from crying.

"So? It's just for a quick ride."

"A ride? You're underage. You don't have a license", I pointed out again. He just shrugged and uttered with nonchalance, "So? We're living in a province. It doesn't matter."

I pursed my lips reluctantly. "You'll bring me home before it gets dark?"

He grinned. "I promise."

I looked in his eyes and smiled. "Okay."

"Okay! Wait for me here. I'll go get our ride", he uttered and left me anticipating.

•••

I saw a black motorcycle approaching after less than ten minutes. James was on it wearing an all black ensemble. He looked rather masculine and mature.

I pursed my lips to hide my smile as he stopped the cycle in front of me. "Hop in."

"You sure you can drive?" I asked, quite hesitant.

He answered dryly, "I got here, right?"

I nodded and walked towards James. He helped me to mount the cycle and after he made sure I was doing okay, he went on.

"Is this your first time riding a motorcycle?!" I heard him shout over while I gathered my hair that has scattered. "No! I ride it a lot when I was a kid!"

He didn't say anything anymore and just continued driving. I didn't exactly know where he was taking me but I didn't bother to ask. Instead, I just enjoyed looking at the houses we were passing by. None looked the same which made them very interesting. The distinguishable size of each house framed the sky that was void of any clouds. Birds were flying on their own accord, probably heading back home unlike James and I.

At the far distance, I could see the lush green rice fields that were just beginning to crop. I smiled when I realized where we were heading.

"Are we going to the shore?!" I asked James loudly and he answered, "Yeah!"

My smile got wider. It has been months since I last saw the ocean so I was quite excited.

When we were along the rice fields, I saw the mountains from afar, erected with magnificence. The other side of it was actually where Lula's house was situated. I hadn't seen her for such a long time too that I felt the sudden urge to climb that huge mountain to visit her. But that would be suicide so no.

•••

I hastily climbed off the motorcycle when we arrived. I trudged towards the shore and was awed by the sight I saw. The sun was already hovering above the horizon and it was painting both the sky and the ocean the hues of sunset. I honestly had never witnessed the sun set and I actually didn't care, but looking at this view made me realize that I was missing out.

I felt James' presence beside me. "It's beautiful, isn't it?"

I nodded and answered, "With all its glory."

James sat on the sand and he pulled me down to his side. "You're much more beautiful though."

My face soured and I looked at him with disgust. "Eew, James. Stop."

He laughed with my response. "Why don't you want to be called beautiful anyway?"

"Because I already know it", I replied haughtily which made him scowl.

"I honestly can't understand you. One day, you're very timid like a cat then the next day, you're already roaring like a lion", he uttered in confusion, "Why are you like that?"

I shrugged. "Ask my parents. They're the ones who made me", I responded while an idea popped in my head, "Which made me remember that we should probably pick a song to sing for Ma'am Grace."

"How can that made you remember that?" he asked, perplexed. "Dunno", I answered despite knowing why. I just didn't want to explain any further.

"We can go with Westlife", I suggested, "Ma'am Grace loves them, right?"

He frowned. "I only know Beautiful In White."

"Songs are easy to learn, James", I uttered dryly, "Do you have your phone with you? Go search for Westlife's songs."

He obliged and we looked together for a song that would best fit Ma'am Grace's love life which was very fresh and full of love.

After minutes, we had skimmed about ten songs but we still hadn't found anything. Although, I liked the second song we listened to. "More Than Words sounds quite great, don't you think? I like it", I voiced out to James.

"Yeah?" he glanced at me. "Then let's go for it."

He searched for the song again and played it.

"Saying I love you is not the words I want to hear from you", the vocalist sang the first line.

"It's not that I want you not to say

But if you only knew how easy

It would be to show me how you feel

More than words

Is all you have to do to make it real

Then you wouldn't have to say

That you love me

'Cause I'd already know"

Actually, the reason why I liked this song was that it was somehow related to our situation, James and I, especially the second part. But I would never tell James that, of course.

The song went on until it ended. "I'll sing the first verse including the chorus, then you'll sing the second verse and we'll do the second chorus together", I stated.

"What about the post-chorus and bridge?" he inquired.

"The first three lines of the post-chorus, I will sing, then the rest are yours. And let's just skip the bridge. I wanna make it sound more romantic and I don't think the bridge will do that."

He nodded and chirped, "Let's learn it then!"

We listened to the song again while the sound of the waves harmonized with it. I embraced my knees and rested my head there, looking towards the horizon.

Having been able to see such beauty calmed my mind, but my heart was nowhere near my mind's state, knowing that James was beside me, humming along with the song I wanted to call ours.