Hidden feelings expressed

Michael Forrester

He took hold of her arm and pulled him towards him.

“Michael? What are you doing?” he buried his face in her neck. Inhaling her fresh fruity scent.

“God, we only see each other last night but I already missed your scent,” he murmured on her neck.

“What? Why?” she put her arms on his back and struggled to support him up. When the two of them are on their feet, Katherine tried to pushed his body away gently.

“Come on, let’s get you clean up. You’re still wearing your yesterday’s clothes.”

“No. Please.” he tightened his grip on her torso. Crushing her chest into his.

“Let me stay like this a little longer. I want to assure myself that you’re actually here. God, you don’t know how much I missed you.” he said, voice cracking between sobs.

His body is shaking tremendously. Relief patch his holed lungs. Solace mend his battered heart. It’s amazing how her presence alone can spread tranquility to his entire body. Spreading liquid antidote to the poison clogging his veins.

“Why would you miss me? Right when you told me I’m a nuisance,” she said, not looking directly at his eyes. He produced a wistful smile.

Putting his right hand on her nape, he caressed her hair gently.

“I’m so sorry.” he took a deep breath and continued.

“You know in movies Kath, this is the part where the guy admits he purposely hurt the girl to protect her. Since he was threatened to do so, he has no choice but to do it. But this ain’t movies. I confess our situation does resemble one. But it’s not.” he sniffed.

“I hurt you because I’m a coward. I hurt you because I’m scared to admit what I actually feel. I hurt you because I’m afraid of what I might do to you. You don’t know how much I want you. To the point my desires may tear you apart into pieces. And I don’t want that.”

“Certain scenarios keep playing in my head. From the day you found me. I imagined what life was like if you’re always there with me. I can enjoy your sweet cooking. I get to greet you good morning. But do you know what’s the best feeling I experience when I live with you?”

“What’s that?”

“I get to see you at the door, smiling, telling me welcome home.” she gave a short laugh.

“Are you serious?” with a smile playing on her lips she looked up to him. And he met her eyes with a serious one. She raised her brows in disbelief.

“You’re joking.”

“I’m not. Kath, I’ve been homeless for so long that the desire to have a home is gnawing inside of me. I could die in envy watching teenagers walk back home while I’m stuck in the dumpster with no home to return to.” he breathed.

“That first night I spend with you, I broke down not because I’m miserable. But because I’m overwhelmed with happiness that I end up at a loss for words. And when you said this will be your home, promising that you’ll stay with me… God, you don’t know how much it moved me.” he forced his eyes shut, swallowing back the tears.

“Just knowing that someone is willing to stay with me, to wait for me, even if I have nothing left...That was the relief I’ve been looking for years. It’s like you put back the missing piece in me. You set every part that was wrong in me to the right path. You just don’t know how much it means… how much you mean to me.”

She fell silent in his arms. She did not push him away but she’s not talking either. He caught on her silence, taking it as a cue, he continued.

“I just want you to know that you are the best thing that ever happened to me. In case you still don’t know, I have loved you from the moment I laid my eyes on you,” he said gently and planted a kiss on her forehead.

He felt her stiffen in his embrace. Her grip on his biceps tighten.

“Kath?” he unraveled his arms from her back. Trying to get a good look on her face, he slid his hand between their intertwined bodies and cupped her chin, pointing it upwards.

Huh? She.. is she crying?

“Liar.” she sniffed. Her cheeks are dampened with tears. After she stole a glance at him, she ducked, burying her face on his chest.

“Liar. Liar. Liar. You don’t love me. You don’t love me. You don’t...” she sobbed.

“I’m always looking at you. Each time you turn your back on me, I stood there and watch. When you brought different girls at night, I covered my ears to not hear you. When you’re out, I sit on the sofa, waiting for you to return.”

“I keep on waiting, even if I don’t know when you’ll be back, if you actually come back. Do you know how painful it was? Everyday is a battle of anxiety, misery, and heartbreak. I die each day, as hope of you ever looking at my way slip out from my grasp. I became a slave… to my own mind that tortures me.” and she broke down in his embrace.

The way her body trembles, her silent cries that hides her muffled scream, her shaking hands that are afraid to let go, her breaths that are too shallow to swallow. He got the message all too well.

She’s too scarred to believe his words. What he let her experience has taken a huge toll on her. And it’s all his fault. Thousands of broken pieces stab Michael in the heart, he never meant to hurt her this bad.

He initially thought, if he put a distance, her feelings for him will fade away. Turn into hatred. He’d rather have Katherine despised him than seeing her suffer in the process of loving him.

But his actions led her to this state. The outcome did not come out as he expected. If only he had known this will happened, he should not have done it. No matter how scared he was, he shouldn’t have tried to transform her love into hatred.

They both got hurt in the end.

“I know asking for your forgiveness is not enough. Promising that I will make up for it is not enough. I can’t give you a guarantee you’ll be happy with me. I don’t have a luxurious house, I can’t provide you everything you need… But just this once. If you decide to choose me again, I promise I shall love you for the rest of my life.”