The sound of guns...
The darkness...
The smoke...
Then, oblivion.

Everyday, I am haunted by my nightmares.

Everytime the thunder roll and lightning strikes, I shivered.

Looking outside my window,
I am writing my daily journal and poetry today...
To release all the pains and tensions from my past.

And I wrote..

December 18, 1980
Myshkin, Russia

My beloved,

Have you ever ask yourself...
What's your life purpose?
If..
Are you doing the right thing?
Are you on the verge of confusion, loneliness, unhappiness and being stagnant?
Day dreaming into your own world?

Too much questions filled in your heart and mind.
Too much of everything that you don't want.
Too much!

To clear out my confusion and to have more clarity about myself, I dig deeper inside me.
Reminiscing my childhood moments and cherish them.
Facing the darkest and painful moments of my memories.
Those memories of repeating horror, memories of loss, memories of death.

Yes, I did face it all.
I cried hard.
After decades of those patterned memories...
This is the first time that I realized..
How I treated myself so badly.

And I really wanted to give back to myself.
By appreciating my past.

Appreciate yourself more...
Love yourself more...
And you will discover more...

I have discovered each words, all feelings, expression, harmony just fits well to take steps in writing this poem for my past.

***A LETTER FOR MY PAST SELF***

My dearest self in the past...
I have been visiting you lately in a vast...
You are carefree, immature and FEARLESS,
You go out more, loving the sun and grasses,
Full of sweat and sun-kissed from above.

Joyous days, feet touching stones and green
Oh How glorious those days have been
Flowing like water in every storms within
And wind touches, caressing my skin
Telling me, It's ok dear, everything has it's purpose".
A path full of journey and a dead rose

All those rise and fall, I am with you...
All those tears and laughter, I am with you..
I am always with you til the end of time

The Last Heiress of Oblonsky, Beatrix

"Your Highness...." she looked at me in full adoration with teary eyes. 


"I am thankful for everything that you do.. You made my birthday so special.. "How could I reciprocate your kindness?" she added. 


"My Lady...you deserved all of these..after all the pains and struggles you have been through. You don't need to repay me. I just wanted you to be happy because you made me happier each day. " I ardently responded. 


The fireworks just ended, leaving us all with so much pleasure. 


Princess Sophie approached us and give their gifts to Beatrix. 


She hugged her and greeted "Happy birthday Princess Beatrix! I hope you like our gifts for you... You and Stefan would be a wonderful couple! I can feel it. For quite a long time..my elder brother Stefan had never given such special attention to any girls" she teasingly added. 


Then, she hugged each of us and bid goodnight. 


And so us King Sven, Queen Evi and the other guests. 


THE RECONNECTION